Sunburst

Kabanata 40

~ ALEX~

[Situation: How to remove the scars?]

My life has always been a discovery. I have to learn things my way and pave a path for my own life. Since I was young, it has worked fine. I was able to adapt and move forward to every challenge that goes along the way, but this time around, I felt like I'm stuck in the middle of the road without any direction.

"Brie... I-" I tried to say something but couldn't find the right words. What could I even say?

The words she uttered clench my heart. It made me lose all the strength in my legs, forcing me to sit down.

"Why would you retort to that... Y-You've always been like a mighty sword." I still couldn't believe what she said.

"Alexander, you should know that even the mightiest sword can break and crumble through challenges, whether its victory or defeat." Her eyes still bloodshed from the tears, but her voice turned cold and sour. An expression I never thought I would see from her.

I'm still processing everything I've heard when she started talking again, and this time she's opening the chapter I've always wanted to hear.

"I was fourteen when I left home. Tatlong buwan matapos kang bumalik sa US at walong buwan matapos umalis ni Brianna papuntang Morocco. Alam ko namang balang araw maghihiwalay ang bawat landas natin. Alam ko naman na walang permanente sa mundo, hindi ko lang inasahan na lahat ay magbabago sa pag-alis niyo," she bitterly smiled as she remembered those days.

When I left, I didn't tell her anything. I was scared. I saw how she cried days or nights when Brianna left. I saw how she ran and found comfort in that small tree house by the creek near their house. I saw how she pleaded with me to stay.

I didn't tell her I'm leaving because I know how it would just hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her more than that time, but I never thought that it would only add fuel to the fire. I never thought that her bright smiles that rejuvenate the day would turn upside down and covered with dark skies.

"I heard from my parents you came back later on and helped look for me, but it was too late. That time, running away was my only escape. It was the only option I know that would keep me sane. Away from the overwhelming expectations, grief, pain, stress, anxiety, comparison. Everything. I wanted to be free."

When I heard those words, my fist clenched. I felt so useless. It felt like something covered my eyes for a long time, and now's the only time it has been opened and made aware of the real world.

The past may be history, but it didn't change the fact that I was one of the reasons that pushed her on the edge of the cliff. One little step, one sudden move, and it would have cost her life, but she managed to find a way and will herself to a safe side.

"H-Have you found your freedom?" I wanted to know. I want to find out how she rebuilds herself and what else I could have done to help.

"Yes." It was short but full of conviction. "I found someone."

Her smile clenched my heart. I am grateful that someone took care of her, but it hurts how it wasn't me.

"Alam niya ang tungkol sa nakaraan ko. Kung bakit ako umalis, si Bria at pati na rin ikaw. Masaya ako tuwing kasama ko siya. Ang bawat araw na lumilipas tuwing kami'y magkasama ay tila isang gantimpala ng langit sa kanyang nilikha." She happily smiles as she tells me the story.

Mapait akong ngumiti. Kung sinuman ang taong iyon, maswerte siya, at nagpapasalamat ako sa nagawa niya kay Brielle.

"Mahirap lang ang buhay, pero marami akong natutunan sa aming pagsasama. Sa isang maliit na kwarto na kanyang inuupahan, iyon ang aking naging tahanan. Karamihan sa masasayang ala-ala sa aking buhay ay doon nagsimula at lumago. Sa munting tahanang iyon, ni minsan hindi ako trinatong isang bagay o hayop. Sa lugar na iyon, naramdaman ko ang halaga at pagmamahal ng labis at walang pagkukumpara. Isang bagay na kailan ma'y hindi ko man lang matamasa ng walang pag-kukumpara."

Isang munting ala-ala ang biglang nangibabaw sa aking isipan dahil sa narinig. Isang ala-alang nagpapatunay sa pinagbago nang batang Brielle na kilala ko.

~

"We don't need to pretend we don't know each other in front of our friends, Brielle."

"Don't get the wrong idea, Mr. Montreal, magkakilala lang tayo dahil sa extracurricular activities natin. Nothing more." The cold stare from her eyes can freeze the whole room. Her defenses are up and not letting anyone chip or even put a dent on her walls.

"What's with the cold shoulder? We've known each other since we're ki-"

"Don't even. Matagal nang tapos ang kabataang tinutukoy mo. Hindi mo na kailangan pang balikan ang nakaraang iyon. Mas makakabuti na rin na hindi tayo masyadong mag-usap kung hindi kailangan dahil wala akong balak makipaglaro sa iyo dahil lang sa nakaraan."

~

The Brielle that I've known has changed. The princess who once dreamed of a fairy tale, the eyes that shine like the sun, and the young girl whose smile can illuminate the fields was long lost and gone.

"Are you going back to that person?" I don't know why I have to know.

Why did I even ask something that would only stab my heart more? It's stupid, yet I don't want to let go of that tiny little chance that might let me keep her once more.

"I wish... I wish I could."

From the way she speaks, I can already tell that something went wrong, but I stayed quiet and waited for her to continue talking.

"The freedom I had, the place where I called home, and the person whom I found my solace. Everything vanished in one night," she cried before continuing, "Nothing is permanent in this world. Not even our life holds a great deal to stay eternal."

"It sure is, that's why we treasure each passing day."

"And that's why we should send each other free."

"Brielle - "

"Alexander, I'm not okay."

"And it's okay to not be okay."

She pursed her lips, holding on to words she's too scared to say out loud.

"Bria already knows about it. I knew it well but I never cared."

"What are you saying?"

She sighed, "Dealing with insecurities can be messy."

The way she's speaking feels like rejection, like I'm losing my grip, and any second everything will crash and burn.

And it did.

"I'm sorry Alexander, I won't be able to move on in life if I still carry the baggage from the past. Let's get divorce."

[Conclusion: Scars can be covered by a bandage, hidden by makeup, and concealed by surgery. But scars can only be invisible through the naked eyes and not from memories of the time. Just like how we can mask our fears, imperfections, and emotions in front of others, but we can never lie to ourselves who knows the truth behind those marks.]

xx