In Order to Love Chaos, You must Understand Him

Wind May Not Blow This Out, But Will Water Take it Out?

She looks up at the huge castle of the Hojo. This time it feels more intimidating as last time. Shouldn't it be the opposite? It's because she feels more nervous now that Kotaro has given her an assignment of getting intel. She doesn't want to fail, not because it'll mean that she'll die, but because it'll mean she would be seen as a disappointment to Kotaro. She should have died last time. Maybe luck was on her side as the God of Fire intends to protect his child. This time... there is no luck. This is real show of skill.

He says, "I'm sorry to have to do this again. I'm sorry I can't just give you what you want. I'm sorry you have to work for what you want. I'm sorry you have to prove yourself. This will be the only time. If you can live through this, freedom will come to you not long."

Is this god truly sorry? Let's see how she feels:

While she felt scared at first, she was determined. 'I don't care what it takes! There's no way they could possibly find me even if I do a stealth kill. They're the ones that got in my way, so it's on them for getting their life cut short. That's not my goal though. Top priority is to just listen in on those plans and report back. It's as simple as that. Right... Simple...'

To say that this god was sorry based on what she has determined in her mind, this god does not care. She will not hear whatever this god has to say. The thing about fire is that it's dangerous to trust. Why would she follow something that has caused her so much loss in life just to be told it was all for this one purpose? If he truly cared to give her that freedom, she would've had it. Instead the god blessed her with third degree burns.

"How could you say that? I'm the only one who cares! I was the one who helped you get here from the very start! It's fine if you don't understand. No, it really is. You needed to feel this in order to understand what you wanted. My human children hardly ever understand the sight of a God."

The God of Fire is not kind. The god of fire is not of freedom; the God of Fire rules over fire and only fire.

'Warned me that Hojo was the water or wind that would take out the fire? No, I'll be whatever I want. I won't just be confined to fire. Kotaro is chaos; he is not fire, so why if I want to follow him, restrict myself to just one element?

'No, to be a compliment to chaos means to not even be tied down by fire. No god will get in the way. If you truly cared, there would be no restrictions! That's why I will follow and love chaos as I understand him.

'I just might turn myself to water just because I know how much it'll hurt to be around him like that. I can be anything but chaos because if I were to be it, I could never be around him, and that is more painful than being hurt while being with him.

'I never want to understand you or anyone else. All that has been taken away from me doesn't matter anymore, but if you're the one who caused it, then I will never confine myself to just fire. Instead, I'll use and abuse you how I wish. What I want to understand is Kotaro himself. That is what all this is for because that's what I'm making it.

'Freedom through fire?

'No, I'll find it through disobeying you if you're the one who's made all this come to this one moment.'

"Be thankful at the very least, Y/N. You would have never understood this is what you wanted if I never brought him to you."

'No. I won't be restricted by a god's words. Regardless if that be true, I'd rather die than give you any credit. You are the God of Fire. I wouldn't even follow a god of freedom.'

To Kotaro she says, "I'll die in this mission."