Alive

Suddenly

Completely unironically 

4 years after my depression hit

and when I was deep into my 

{ recovery }

Suddenly people started noticing

and asking me what was wrong

and if I was okay

and suddenly telling me that I'd changed.

{ The truth is }

It hit the day

12 became my number.

It didn't creep in; it didn't come slow...

It just hit...and it hit hard.

Suddenly

all my dreams became just that -

dreams.

Suddenly

all my friends became so valuable that

I depended on them for everything

and they let me down; one by one.

Suddenly

getting good grades seemed like

the only option

for the outcome of a good life.

Suddenly

all my lists and all my plans

became insignificant pieces of paper hanging on a wall

that would never be used.

Suddenly 

I became...blank 

and every moment seemed like the last time

a moment would mean something.

Suddenly

I had no idea who I was

or who I wanted to be.

Suddenly 

I couldn't write anymore,

I couldn't sing,

I couldn't see...past the empty field in my head.

I was expecting

pain and sadness and anger -

but I got nothing...not a single thing.

There are 5 stages of grief

and I hadn't even experienced one.

Suddenly

all I could do was

wait.

{ 2022 }