𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

52 | END

We had been over this for hours. Michael and me, yelling back and forth. We had done a lot of that recently but this time it was worse.

He found out about the money and Ace.

and how i used some of it to pay my tuition.

I knew Michael hated lying more than anything so the fact that I had been lying to him all this time...

I was just guilty and sad ever since I left Ace. This wave of guilt comes and goes but only when me and Michael aren't arguing does it leave.

So right now, my heart was hurting. I didn't mean for this to happen.

Every time I look in the mirror I see a different person, I don't know who I am anymore.

Im so close to just giving up, like going to that place where Dantè and my mother is, as fucked up as it sounds. Im drowning.

Maybe I should just leave and like never come back. I came to New York and haven't had peace since and I don't think anyone notices or cares.

"So what'd you do with my money?" He asked and I pulled myself back to reality.

I was drained, like my mind wasn't here.

"I didn't touch the money you gave me, I can give it back if you want." I told him tiredly.

He laughed sarcastically, "I bet you can."

I stayed quiet because what else was there to do, to say ?

I had been lying to him for weeks now.

I stayed quiet staring at my lap. There wasn't much I could say or do. I had to listen to everything. I've checked out of life the moment I came home.

It was only a matter of time before I lost it.

"Are you done?" I asked teary eyed and his eyes softened as he looked at me.

"Do you think it's been too much for us to go back to how we were?" He asked and I let out a long sigh.

"Before this, I was the happiest girl in the world, because of you, I was safe, because of you and now I sit here crying, scared, fearful, because of you." I said softly.

Confusion crossed his face, "Because of me?"

"Every day I wonder if you love me like before, I live in fear that you're not happy. That how I am isn't what you want anymore because, because I'm not even what I want right now." I told him.

"Sos but you know I love you no matter-

"Do you?! I can feel your disappointment in me from all the way over here. Just admit it please Micheal, you hate the fact that I loved Ace, that I kept my mouth closed for him, that I accepted everything from him even after he's the worst thing that happened to me, to us."

"Don't you think I hate myself for it. I hate my heart for showing so much empathy , for being so open but you can't shame for it when this is the same heart that was open enough to love you regardless of my brother, regardless of the girls you went out with while I secretly missed you. You can't shame me because all of that is the same reason why you love me so much. wait no...I mean loved." I explained to him. My tone was so condescending because I was tired, tired of being blamed.

"I sat here for a whole 9 months and 2 weeks, missing you, wanting you to just come home, hoping you're safe, and that you're not hurt. I was so depressed without you. Just to find out that during those 9 months you loved someone else. That hurt Solàna, it hurts to know that and I know it may not be that simple on your end but I don't care what the situation is it all blends out to the fact that you loved another man while I yearned to feel your love again."

and that's when it hit me, he'd never fully understand, he'd never wrap his head around the fact and I couldn't blame because I don't know what I'd do in his shoes.

I couldn't force him to understand why I loved on someone else while he spent his 9 months depressed because of me. That's all he could think about.

So I stood up and went up stair, packed everything of mine and Michael watched not saying a work because he knew that this was too much for the both of us.

I booked a flight and hotel back home, to St.Louis to be exact, I placed all my things at the door and sat on the couch, thinking about what I was doing at the moment.

Was I doing too much? Was this really necessary? Would I be happy back home?

How much would I miss him ?

Hours passed and it was soon time for me to go, packing all my things in the car was a struggle on my own I tried not to wake up Michael but I ended up doing so anyway.

"Where are you going?" He asked as I stood in front of the door.

"Home." I said softly.

"How long will you be gone for ?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders because I really didn't know.

"Are you coming back at least?" He asked and I nodded my head but he shook his in dissatisfaction.

He cuffed both my cheeks with his hands and that warm feeling that I loved from him came back. Oh how I'll miss it.

"Use your words Solàna. I need to know that I'll see this pretty face of yours again." He said and wiped the stray tear that fell down my face.

"Yes. I'll be back Michael." I told him as my voice cracked at the end.

"I love you."

"I love you more kid."

...