Cruel Summer | ✓

chapter sixteen

Before I know it, it's been a week since I got to Fisher. My stay is half over and I'm no closer to a permanent solution. I wish I could just stay here. Do what Riley's doing. Find a quiet job that doesn't piss me off too much, something that pays the bills and gives me the time and space to live my life, something that lets me fly to LA for the weekend to see my friends.

Except my friends aren't responding to me anymore.

Well, my friend. Tay is the same old Tay. But Gaby still hasn't replied to my message from Sunday and there's no way she hasn't seen it yet. Which means she's avoiding it, because she doesn't want to commit to a date for me to see her. Which makes me feel like there's a big black hole inside my chest, trying to suck up the happiness I have found in the last week.

Fisher may not be the same as it was when I was a kid, but it still makes me happy. Lounging on Lou's dock. Running a different route around town each day. Making new friends. Riley was behind the counter when I went to Cafe Au Late yesterday and we hung out while she was working, and it felt so good to know that I'm still capable of making new connections. It's been so much harder since college. It was easy to meet Gaby and Tay there and fall into our friendship, but ever since I've graduated, I've struggled to find new people. The city's too big, everyone too busy, too wrapped up in the friends they already have.

It's a different pace of life here. One that means I can spend a couple hours in a cafe and chat with the people making the drinks. Riley introduced me to a couple other baristas, both of whom are permanent Fisher residents: Diego, a high school senior who used to have piano lessons from Lou, and Madison, who is home for summer after her sophomore year at Idaho State down in Pocatello. She's working today, alongside Julia and someone I don't know yet; it's nice to get smiles and waves when I walk in somewhere. I like that they know me already, that you have to be intentional to be anonymous in this town.

But just because I'm meeting new people up here doesn't mean I want to lose the people I have. The tight little grain of low-grade anxiety I live with blooms into a full-grown beach ball in my chest when I open The Three Musketeers chat and see that Gaby was last seen online a couple hours ago. I should text her. Make sure she's okay. But I can't bear to be left on read by her twice. I text Tay instead.

Hey have you heard from gaby recently? Has she said anything about us all meeting in la? I send, then put my phone face down on the table and rest my chin on my fists.

The corner window seat in Cafe Au Late is the perfect place for people-watching, especially as the summer draws to an end, children sun-tired and their parents shattered, ready for the kids to go back to school. Half of the cars driving down Park Street are filled to the brim with the detritus of vacation. Several are towing fancy boats. There's still a few days left of the summer break and as I watch, I wonder if any of them are arriving, if they're making the most of every minute. Maybe they've been camping out in Salmon-Challis National Forest and this is their last stop for a bit of luxury, exchanging a tent in the woods for a cabin on the water.

Tay texts back a few minutes later. we haven't spoken in a couple days, she hasn't said anything. I get the vibe she's v busy?? which is fine!! we can totally do another weekend, right? I know you wanted to come down from idaho while you're there but flights from austin are probably cheaper anyway!

The ball of anxiety grows. Tay still doesn't know. I hate the deception. But I can't bear for her to compare me to her the way I already do and I know she'd only want to help, but the thought of her long-distance pity is nauseating.

we'll figure something out soon! I reply. Vague. Breezy.

Absolutely, Tay says, and she sends a stream of hearts. We text for a little while longer, about what it's like in LA (hot, dry, busy, although her brain might explode from how mad traffic makes her) and what it's like here (hot, wet, calm, although my heart might explode with how attracted to Lou I am).