Cruel Summer | ✓

chapter thirty-two

The feeling doesn't fade until my plane's wheels leave the ground. I sink into my seat, the tightness in my limbs finally loosening as I watch as Rapid City disappears, as South Dakota becomes Nebraska and eventually Colorado. When I land in Denver, I text Lou. We chatted last night, after Mom and I had a less argumentative dinner than the night before, but she hasn't been online yet this morning. It's eleven thirty when I say, back in denver airport again, cue the most tedious two hours of my life. One tick soon turns to two, but they don't go blue.

Last seen yesterday at 22:49, it says beneath her name. It probably means nothing, but my anxiety levels are already higher than usual, the combination of two days with Mom – who cried when I left – and another long day of travel. My flight from Rapid City was only ninety minutes and my next is two hours long, but I left Mom's house just before eight this morning and it'll be six p.m. at the earliest before I'm back in Fisher. I can't wait to be back. I am craving Lou and her perfume and her kiss; I need to suck in a lungful of fresh Idaho air, to wipe the slate clean.

I check my phone every few minutes. Nothing. I buy a book from Tattered Cover Bookstore and I find a quiet corner of the airport to sit and read with a coffee, but all I can think about is Lou's silence. She could be busy. It's Saturday, after all; she could have a morning rammed with piano lessons, or she's at brunch with her friends and she left her phone at home, or she's lost between the pages of a great book.

so far my plane's on time to get into boise at about 4ish, can't wait to see you, I send, hoping she will hear the buzz of a message and check her phone. I put mine away and try to focus on my book. But thirty minutes later, I'm on page five and I haven't taken in a single word.

is everything okay?? I text at twelve thirty. i can get a bus if there's a problem!

I check the schedule for the Boise to Fisher bus. It leaves every three hours. The only one I can get on time isn the six o'clock, which would get me to Fisher for eight thirty. I'd have to hang around in Boise for an extra two hours only to miss half of Robbie's party.

One o'clock comes and goes and my heart rate is ticking up and up with each minute that passes. I call Lou but she doesn't answer. I try again and again but it rings out; I leave her a voicemail and I try not to sound too panicked. At one fifteen, I send her one last text: getting on the plane now, see you later, and it isn't until after take-off, my phone on airplane mode, that I remember that I have Riley's number. Fuck. I should have called her.

I don't mind flying. I don't get nervous about taking off or touching down and I'm not freaked out by the concept of being in the air as unnatural as it may be, and being in first class certainly helps, but I'm so fucking stressed I can't enjoy the space and the view and the free drinks. My mind is on fire with worst case scenarios, all the things that could have happened since ten forty-nine last night to make Lou stop answering her phone. It's two hours of pure stress. I can't focus on anything but my anxiety for the entire flight; the second the wheels hit the runway I switch off airplane mode and jiggle my legs as I wait for my phone to find cell service. There's none. I curse under my breath and get a mean side-eye from the woman in the seat next to me, who clearly doesn't think I belong in first class. I know I don't, lady, but I'm here.

I don't get a single bar until we've taxied to the gate and I refresh my messages, praying for blue ticks and an explanation, but there's nothing. There's fucking nothing. It's three forty-nine. Lou hasn't been online for seventeen hours. Her last message taunts me: I'm so glad you and your mom had a good time. Can't wait to see you and hear more but I can't keep my eyes open. See you tomorrow x

I call Riley. She doesn't pick up. I send her a text, asking if she knows what is going on, and I try not to have a breakdown as I make my way from the gate to the arrivals hall. When I get there, I find a bench and I drop onto it and I check my messages for the millionth time. Nothing from Lou, nothing from Riley, but there is one from Tay.