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Thoughs Of The Overthinker(Part 2)

"They are not your friends."

That is the the lesson I've learned today.

You may laugh with those people, you may share some moments in time. They might feel for your cause as you might feel for theirs.

In the end, they are not your friends.

One moment, you are okay with each other, the next, they find some way to turn against you, even if you weren't in the wrong. And even if you was and try to apologize and make amends to end the conflict, they no longer view you in the same light they used to. They slowly turn into strangers again, if not abruptly, only this time you have shared moments.

And you know what? That is perfectly, one hundred percent, absolutely okay.

I try so much to fit in. I try to like what others like, see how they see, among other actions. Turns out to never truly work out for me. Because why am I trying to fit in with them if they ain't doing the same for me? This human behavior to try and fit in is confusing. Seems I never get it right.

Then I'm weird when it comes to how I portray my words and actions. To me, a simple action such as talking to this girl, who we share interests,to another, I'm moving crazy by following her like a goddamn puppy all the time. Or being predatory and what not.

Maybe if the roles were reversed, I would've thought the same.

I see other people being merry with each other, talking to each other about anything while some music is playing in the background, meanwhile I can't even fathom myself engaging in meaningless conversations, no one to listen to what I have to say or to hear what the other has to say.

I'm sounding very pathetic right now even saying this, let alone writing it down but I had to empty my mind. And writing does that perfectly.

Maybe I am weird.

I look around and see maybe that I am.

My dressing is a bit off at times, but it doesn't matter to me like that. I like stuff like anime, games, a bit of movies and TV shows, though I may not be in the trend with them all the time. I like reading books too, fictional or non fictional and sharing my thoughts on them. I prefer my peace and quiet over parties and mayhem. I have no specific music taste, as long as I vibe with it.I like being gentlemanly, even though today's society says otherwise, but not so old fashioned to be called a relic of a lost time. I like being alone but good company is appreciated from time to time. I like to write stuff too. Stories.

Yet, I always find myself having little to no real friends. I can't even mention five names of the real friends I have to save my life. The people I call 'friends' are those who are either :
a) people in my class who we share little to nothing more than class work.
b) people who I talk to because of circumstances such as neighbors, shop keepers, landlord etc.
c) people who we've shared a past, such as old high school friends.
d) my relatives

Besides those, anyone else don't count.

But what about having a real friend? Someone to call me out on my bullshit and me being pathetic (like right now). Someone who will not stop getting up off of my ass till I be the best version of myself. Someone who'd tell me to pursue a good cause or a higher calling. That guy who'd cheer me on whenever I'm in the gutters. I will gladly be that person to someone else too but I can never find a person who can do the same for me.

Everytime I think I found some semblance of a good friendship forming or coming up nicely, a semblance of me actually having a normal life (I believe that having a normal life is having a life where you have friends to count on), reality kicks in and I find myself back to square one. Every single time. It's either they turn against me unknowingly or I was the 'cause' of the fallout. Like bro, I just want someone to be a real person with me. But noooooooo, fakeness is the new norm.
From real life situations to virtual party chats.

Hence why I'd rather be alone than to water a dead plant.

Pain.

Am I doing something wrong? I would like to believe not, but if someone pointed my mistake, I'd correct them if they are in the right.

Maybe I'm doomed to live like this forever? I wouldn't be that pathetic to think so.

Am I a bad person overall? Good question.

I will find someone like that in my life. Sometime.

Enough delusions.

It doesn't matter. The bitter truth still stands.

They are not your friends.