Most Everything (Hartbig AU)

ii.

Chapter Two! Thank you all so much for reading, it means a lot xxxx

PS: you can follow me on twitter, @sivanblue, for updates and other stuff. :)

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/ we go climbing up the glass walls / pricey heights and freefalls /

Motley Crew --- Thomston

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So I wasn't straight - that much was obvious.

I had never really thought of my sexuality before, but just thinking of changing something I had always identified with, something so hugely me, made me feel sick. Just like every other human to ever exist, I had assumed I was straight from the beginning. There was nothing wrong with being gay, and I knew that, but it still made me feel different, made me feel wrong. I sighed and tried to push it out of my mind. Labels could wait. It was hard enough to come to terms with something you had never thought of as a possibility.

For now, how was I going to tell Chester I was into the wrong friend? It's not like we were even officially dating, we had only been out once, but still; I didn't want to lead him on if I knew I didn't like him that way.

There was a short term solution to avoid Chester and help sort out my life: talk to Mamrie.

Mamrie and I had been close friends even before I had met Hannah. She knew everything there was to know about me, from my middle name to when I lost my virginity. But even though we were close, I felt nervous coming to her with something like this. I had bared my soul to her before, but this was a whole new level of nakedness, and I was scared.

I knew she wasn't going to judge me or change her opinion on me because of this one little thing, so why did I feel like she would?

I clutched the phone in my hands, open to Mamrie's contact info. The little phone symbol was begging to be pressed, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Instead I typed out a quick message with shaky fingers and hit send before I could stop myself. "Hey Mames, can we hang out soon? Mine or yours would be sweet. Miss you. xx"

Moments later my phone buzzed, and I grinned. "Of course, you idiot. 7 at mine okay?"

"Perfect."

So now I actually had to work up the courage to tell Mamrie what the fuck was going on. I sighed. That would be a bit hard until I figure that out for myself.

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Soon enough I was at Mamrie's, with a bottle of wine in one hand, and my phone and keys in the other. I kicked the door in lieu of knocking, as I had no free hands.

"Gracie!" Mamrie pulled me into a smothering hug and I laughed. "Let me help you with that."

She grabbed the wine bottle and I followed her inside, looking around for distractions. Anything to put off talking about what I actually came here for.

Ten minutes into a Real Housewives episode and it was obvious that wasn't going to happen. Mamrie could tell something was up, and I could see her dying to ask about it. I sighed, and she took that as her opening.

She scooted closer to me on the couch. "What's up?"

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head no but felt my mouth open anyways. "Hannah and I kissed."

"Y-you what?"

I sighed again. "We kissed. Yesterday."

"Can I get some more context?"

"We were talking about how I'm kind of new to the whole dating-relationship-intimacy thing, and I tried making out with a pillow, and it didn't work, so I kissed her instead."

"And?"

"Things moved kind of fast, and I liked it, which is confusing enough as it is, but I wasn't ready, Mames. I stopped her after telling her not to stop, and I think she's mad, and I understand why but I don't want to. I don't want her to be mad." I started to trip over my words the further into the story I got, and soon Mamrie was rubbing my back as I cried.

"Shhh," she whispered. "You'll figure it out, Grace. You two always do."

When my tears finally turned to hiccups, I shifted so that I was facing towards Mamrie, rather than being hugged into her chest sideways. "What do I do?" I rubbed at my eyes desperately.

"You have to tell her what you're thinking," she said, barely quieter than a whisper.

I hiccuped again. "I don't know what I'm thinking."

"Then tell her what you told me."

I shook my head quickly. "I can't do that, Mamrie, it would ruin everything!"

"It would fix things more than you think," she said quietly, looking over at me sadly.

"I- I can't do it yet. I need more time to figure this out."

"You know Hannah will always listen to you if you need someone to talk to."

"I can't talk to her about her!"

"Sure you can. That way, once you realize what's going on, she can tell you her thoughts too." Mamrie was looking at me like she already knew what was happening, and I didn't like it. I hated that look. She didn't know what was going on, hell, I barely knew. How would she know what was going on in my life?

"I can't do it." I put my head in my hands.

"Just take your time, Helbig. Time fixes most everything, even if it's not the way you expected."

-----

It was the next Friday. I glanced across the table at Chester to see him watching a football game on TV at the local restaurant-slash-bar he had driven us to for our first official date. I was excited, I was having fun, but what Mamrie had said earlier that week was sticking with me.

It would fix things more than you think.

That short phrase had been stuck in my head for days, and I couldn't make sense of it. How would telling Hannah that I thought our practice kiss might have feelings involved fix anything?

I had been thinking the last couple of days, and a lot of my thoughts - besides the Hannah ordeal - I hoped would never see the light of day. I was ashamed of myself and the path I seemed to be taking. I was terrified that my fears would come true.

What if I wanted it to be Hannah across from me?

I didn't. I didn't want to go on a date with Hannah. We were in a platonic relationship. Platonic.

I am not gay. I am not gay or bi or pan or interested in girls in any way. I want to be here with Chester, on a date with Chester, fall in love with Chester, who is theoretically perfect for me in every way.

But there was still that part of me, infinitesimally small as it was, that insisted this wasn't right. It was supposed to be Hannah across from me, not Chester, it was whispering to my entire being, and I hated that part of me more than anything in the universe.

I'm not gay.