Most Everything (Hartbig AU)

iv.

Aghhhh to be totally honest this is one of my favorite chapters. Anyways I hope you're having a most wonderful day :) xx

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/ doesn't matter if we change / doesn't matter at all / don't you worry about me friend / don't you worry if it doesn't feel the same / (it doesn't feel the same) /

La Lune - Madeon

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"Because that's really fucking twisted. I don't think you know how much this hurts, do you? I used to worship the ground you walked on, you know. I would've died for you, I would've killed for you. It was clear from the start that we would never happen. But this? This is low."

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I changed into the first tshirt and pair of sweatpants I had seen as soon as I got home, unable to put any thought or care into what I was doing. All I could think of was the hurt look on Hannah's face.

I used to worship the ground you walked on, you know. I would've died for you, I would've killed for you.

I had known, of course, that Hannah had a crush on me; I guess I didn't realize how deep it went. Sweet, innocent, passive Hannah had said she would have killed for me. I was afraid to believe it, but at the same time, I knew it was true at some point in the past. Obviously, it wasn't the case anymore.

On the bright side, I didn't have to tell Chester anymore. I wanted to tell him, and I wanted there to be a reason to tell him. I wanted to be with Hannah.

But that wasn't going to happen.

She thought I had pranked her, told her my feelings as a joke to get her to admit to something. Why had she gotten so defensive so quickly? Was it really that hard for her to believe that I was into her?

I shook my head. Of course it was.

"Hannah, I-" I saw myself sigh. "I don't feel that way."

She had run her fingers through her hair and I felt a pang at the memory. "I know. A part of me always did. I thought you should know, though. Just so there were no questions about it." She had forced a laugh. "Sorry. It's just so ridiculous. Some stupid bit of my brain refused to admit that you didn't like me. But now I know it's true."

"We're still going to be friends, right?" I remembered grasping at straws, hoping to save the scraps of our relationship that were left.

She smiled weakly. "If you wouldn't mind. I mean, if it doesn't make things weird between us then that's what I want."

"It's only weird if we make it weird."

'I don't feel that way' my ass. Of course I felt that way; I had turned to her before Mamrie for almost everything, and I had known her for maybe three months at that point. God, I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it earlier. I didn't want to spend time around her because she was funny, I wanted to spend time around her because I liked her.

What the hell.

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A few weeks had passed, and I had gone out of my way every moment of each day to avoid as much contact with Hannah as possible. It even went so far as to not watching her videos; I just couldn't stand to see her face for that long, so happy, while I was cut off from her entirely.

What was her secret? How had she moved on so completely?

I did try calling her once. I knew she was home, as she had tweeted about being happy to be back in LA moments earlier (I still had notifications on for her tweets - we used to be best friends, after all). She wasn't doing anything. It wasn't too unreasonable to want to talk about what happened, even on a random impulse. But she didn't answer the phone.