God's Gone AWOL

[Bonus Features] Soup for the Soul

Lucy's downtown Los Angeles apartment was surprisingly sleek and shiny despite the chaotic nature of its owner. Cool, blue LED lights lined the edges of the black furniture and glowed from within the walls. With tall windows that overlooked the gleaming big-city-skyline, and the modern decorations everywhere, the main room felt almost like a futuristic spaceship or something out of a cyberpunk movie.

Under normal circumstances, one could even say that the design was sexy. However while it was currently filled with thick, billowing, putrid, brown clouds of smoke accompanied by a soundtrack of a wailing fire alarm, all sense of class had disappeared.

Eyes glowing in red fury, Xander's hand instinctively flew to the hilt of his blade. He raised the sleeve of his jacket over his nose and mouth as a shield from the toxic gas. Although he had cut down countless opponents in his lifetime, he had never encountered a foe as dangerous or as terrifying as the one before him now.

Behind him, Xander heard a door open with a BANG! Someone came stumbling out into the main room, coughing heavily.

"Fuck! It smells like ass in here," Zibs wailed, "What's the smoke about?? Xander, what in the actual fuck is going on?"

Xander was standing in the kitchen, facing off with Lucy's electric stovetop. The brown fumes of smoke were all rising from the same place: a medium sized saucepan sitting innocently in the center burner. Bright orange sparks of unknown origin occasionally popped out, causing Xander to jump in his skin. He gripped the hilt of his knife, but he knew he couldn't physically fight this particular opponent in his usual way.

For some reason, he thought that his near-disaster at Atticus' house was just a stroke of bad luck. After all, he had been trying to cook with human ingredients at the time. He hadn't expected the cooking ware to try and murder him a second time —especially since he was only trying to make a simple soup. Now he was angry and embarrassed at the fact that he had let his guard down again.

But the fact that this was the second time he had caused a culinary disaster actually gave him an advantage. The smoking, spitting pot had never seen Xander in battle before, so it didn't know his secret weapon: knowledge. Last time, Atticus had slapped a lid on the pan and turned off the heat —or had he turned off the heat before putting on the lid? Xander couldn't remember the details, but he could remember that it had been reasonably simple.

"You trying to open a gateway to Hell in the fuckin' kitchen now or what??" Zibs tried to move towards him, but doubled over gagging from the smell.

Xander grabbed the nearest lid and smashed over the steel pot. It didn't fit properly, but Xander didn't care. As long as the enemy was suffocated and the spew of wretched belching smoke was put to an end, all would be well. He quickly tuned off the burner and moved everything away from the heat.

Soon enough, the muffled popping and hissing of the pot died down. Although the sleek, shiny room was left with a dirty brown haze in the air, the fire alarm shut itself off. And Xander finally relaxed somewhat. He realized that even in death, Atticus was still helping him somehow. How strange.

"Oh thank Hell that's over with," he said, sighing in relief.

"What were you trying to do??" Zibs asked.

Xander turned to face her. She was still standing at the edge of the kitchen, afraid of stepping any closer to the monstrosity on the stovetop.

"Well I was making soup before the pot tried to assassinate me," Xander explained.

It was for Bentley specifically. It had been a while since the disaster in Purgatory, and her general health had not improved in the slightest. Xander recalled how both Bentley or Lilith would make soup whenever one of the three siblings was sick or otherwise not up to snuff. Although Xander himself had rarely indulged in any culinary endeavors during those years, he always thought that cooking would be reasonably simple. —Now he could see how very wrong he was.