Physical Communication

Chapter 25

I held the door open for Kate and Adam. It wasn't long once we were all inside that Kate took off down the aisle to her mom. Having Adam at my side suddenly made me nervous. What would I tell them? I looked up at the altar at the front of the church and a wave of calm washed over me. I continue up to the pew my sister, Rebecca, and her husband are sitting in.

"Mind if we join?" I smile at them.

I don't miss the flick of confusion before she smiles back and nods, moving over to make room. Thanks to Adam's pit stop at home we make it just in time for Father Jacobs to walk up to the front and greet us. I notice from the corner of my eye Adam pulls his phone out. I raise my eyebrow at him in question.

[So I don't miss anything he says.]

He turns his phone so I can see the screen. The same app he had been using this morning with Kate is typing out the words Father Jacobs is speaking. I nod in understanding. Silently I wonder why he didn't use it more often. I think back.

Most of the time when I am around him it is in the gym. He never signs much there and only ever works with people who sign. Then there were times at Scout's place or the bars but again he was always around people who signed. The only time I remember witnessing him around a lot of people who didn't sign was when he was with my family. I recall him using paper to communicate to them. Suddenly I remember many times I had found him on his phone. I had just assumed at the time he was being an antisocial asshole.

My guilt brings me back to the present and I am surprised the service is almost over. This only adds to my guilt. The congregation starts to exit the pew, heading to the altar for communion. When it's our turn we all go up, except Kate. When I sit back down I see her pouting. I give her a wink and she smiles at me. I can't believe she will be receiving her first communion in the spring. She is getting too big too fast! It makes me wish I came home more often.

When the service is over I stand and start to head out; planning to catch up with my sister outside. A hand grips my arm and I stop and turn. Adam seems a little unsure as he communicates.

[Am I able to do confessional?]

This took me by surprise. I think about the logistics of it and shrug.

[You can ask Father Jacobs.]

We wait until everyone has left because Father Jacobs is shaking hands and saying farewells. I don't ask but I'm very curious about what he wants to talk to him about. Father Jacobs sees us waiting. He smiles and greets us.

"Warren, it's nice to see you again and welcome. I remember you from the wedding but I don't believe we had the honor of being introduced."

[Yes, it's nice to meet you.]

"I'm afraid I don't know enough sign language."

I take the initiative.

"I'm sorry, this is Adam. He wanted to give confession. However, the 'normal' way isn't really possible."

"Are you wanting to interpret?" He looks at us confused.

[No, I will talk and lip read. I can use my phone when needed. It's how I've done it in the past at my old church.]

I nod and repeat it to Father Jacobs. I watch as they walk off towards his office. I sit back down in a pew. I lean back and cross my arms over my chest. I look up at the crucifixion above the altar. I have seen it hundreds of times and yet this historical church still takes my breath away. I knew Adam was religious and wasn't too surprised when he agreed with Kate to join us today. However, his request to take confession is. Is he talking about me? Once he repents will he turn away from me again? I am deep in thought when someone sits down next to me.

"Why is my child telling me about you and Adam having a sleepover?"

I swear my heart jumps out of my chest at my sister's sudden presence and inquiry. I look at her and she is smirking at me. My heart slows down when I see she isn't pissed at me.

"Yeah, sorry about that. It wasn't planned by any means. He showed up at my door last night after she went to bed. He was soaked by the rain."

"Is he ok?" She asks me, concern written all over her face.

"Yeah. He is going through a lot."

"Are you helping with those issues or part of the issue?"

The look on her face says she's pretty sure she knows what's going on. I sigh and shrug.

"Both. I am trying to be helpful but my feelings for him make it difficult to not be part of the problem."

"Where is he?"

"Talking to Father Jacobs."

"I don't know what he is going through or what all it entails but I can see you are concerned. You guys are in the right place to start finding solutions." She gestures to the sanctuary. "And we both know you have a family that will be there for you and him no matter what that may be. Also I know a little girl who is already imagining walking down the aisle as a flower girl again."

I throw my head back and groan. The mind of a child. If it was only that easy, Kate. I can't help but laugh at my sister's attempt to cheer me up. But a knot forms in the pit of my stomach at the thought as well. I've never had so many thoughts and feelings at the same time.

"Well, thank you again for watching Kate."

"I didn't even ask, how was your night?"

"We had a great date night, thank you!"

The smile and happiness on my sister's face helps fill me with joy, relief from my personal turmoil. She has been through so much. I would do anything for her. Even spending my weekend nights watching Disney, eating chicken nuggets, and the occasional nail painting with my niece. Honestly, mine and Kate's monthly "date nights'' are my favorite times of the month. We hadn't had one in awhile because of all the wedding and honeymoon and it was nice getting to chill with her last night.

Rebecca squeezes my arm and smiles before standing up.

"I hope everything goes well. Call if you need anything. Even just to talk."

She gives me a stern look because she knows I won't. I rarely ask for help or put my problems on others. I am the smile that brightens the room. I am the one who takes care of everyone else. I can't support them if I'm not the strong one. She leans in and places a kiss on the top of my head before leaving. I sit back and wait in silence.

When Adam walks up to me I have no idea how long he has been gone. I try to read his face and gauge his attitude. But he seems just as deep in thought as I had been moments ago. I stand and we walk out. The drive back is just as quiet. My mood drops. Whatever happened last night between us is gone. When I pull up to his place I am surprised when he turns to me.

[Thanks. For last night and today.]

He seems nervous so I cut in to end his suffering. We both know what's happening, no reason to drag it out.

[It was no problem. Glad you could join us. See ya at the gym tomorrow?]

He hesitates before nodding. He gives me a forced smile before getting out of the car. When I get home my place seems even emptier than normal. I walk into my room and collapse on my bed. In the past I would be on my phone asking Blair or Cara for advice or calling Scout up to go work out to get my mind off things. But I am too lost and numb and yet full of so many emotions I just lay here.