Jake and I. (On Hold)

Chapter 1: This, this is my story.

CW: It's a bit scary, but It'll get better.

And now a few weeks later, I'm working on rewriting my story. To get my life back on track. Even though I'm not perfect, despite what I've been through, I try to persevere. And that mysterious young man whose name I don't even know is crucial in that piece. He saved my life, and now I am trying to bring some structure back into my chaotic life, and even if it comes in mini steps, a step is a step, and a step means that I am moving forward, and that is precisely my goal. I often think back to that day, my birthday, when I stood there and those strong, warm arms wrapped around me. The way he acts, the way he talks, the way he treats me, it shows that he is a very special person. I still often feel alone, or very bad, and I have the urge to go back to that place, but every time I stop myself by writing a letter to him and printing it out and to hang on the wall. I often go outside and I organize my thoughts, I make sure I have space to work on myself and that helps me enormously. I think I can be very proud of myself. I made myself a list of what I need to do to get my life back on track. Here he is:

List of Improvement.

1. Do better at school

2. Looking for a study program that I want to follow

3. Take and find my rest

4. Have fun and enjoy life

5. When I feel bad, write a letter to a life saver.

6. Do something I like (hobby/sport)

7. Make friends

8. Express feelings and thoughts more often to people (supervisors, teachers, people who are annoying or nice)

This is my list, and if I say so myself, I'm pretty proud of it, but there's still one thing missing. And that is:

9. Find the young man and talk to him, thanking him for his help.

And now the list is complete! I know that nothing or no one is perfect, but this comes very close. Now I live in the present, I know what lies in the past, but now is now, so I am here. And if I don't know the future yet, then it shouldn't worry me, but you always have to keep looking and thinking ahead. So you can be prepared for most things. My life is quite a chaos and it will remain so for a while, but let's keep hoping for a bright and progressive future. I don't know what life will bring me, which direction I will go, whether I stay here or travel the world, I don't know. I do know that I have to start building bridges, between the past and the present, and between the present and the future, I think I have to learn to accept things as they are. Even though it is still so difficult. I think I should look for what makes me happy, and not what others want from me. There is a kind of lock on my life, I have little direction or control over what happens, or what I do or do not want. Sometimes it feels like I'm locked in a high tower, swallowed up in my sadness and loneliness, with no one to call or trust.

I live near the forest, and there, deep and dark, is a clearing, I call it My Magic Place. And when I feel bad I go there, because there, in the middle of the clearing, is a fountain. When I sit there I feel better, safer, to scream, to cry, to laugh, to be afraid, to write, to dare to be myself. I often have the urge to drown myself, or hurt myself physically so that I can forget the mental pain, but I do it very little, purely and simply because that is some kind of magical place, and I want the magic, the beauty of it don't spoil with my depression. I haven't really known love in any form all my life, maybe when I was very young and when my parents were still alive. Because I didn't actually get the Love I needed, I started hiding from the world, I tried to find a gate that would lead me to the prince on a white horse, to a beautiful, non-existent fantasy world. All I had were books, stuffed animals and fantasy friends. There were sometimes adults who worried about me, but I don't need their pity, I am (I think) strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Even though I am constantly insecure about myself, about who I am, I don't know where it comes from, but whenever I want to make the decision to quit, someone comes to save me, a stranger, myself or something/someone else.

I'm sitting on my bed right now, thinking about what to do with myself. When I hear the bell ring, that now means it's lunch time, normally I never go to the dining room and something is brought because the dining room is too busy for me, but if I want to stick to my list I have to I do. I get up and open my door, people are walking down the hallway and chatting with each other, no one seems to notice me, and I walk quietly into the hallway. When I enter the dining room I grab a tray, a plate, cutlery and a cup and place them on the tray. I let the people who are meant to do that brag for me. I turn around and look into the room, there are all round tables for 6 people or so, I'm guessing that there are about 23 children here from the age group 16 to 18. There are still about 4 empty tables, so I sit somewhere at the back of the room at an empty table.

I start eating, and it's fine, people are chatting all around me, and from my corner I can look around quietly. I see the people, and then I realize that I don't really want to be here at all. All my life I have been moved from one orphanage to the next, and now I realize that I don't have to stay in this building if I don't want to, there is a world outside this building. I wolf down the last bit of food, put away my things and run out of the room, up the stairs to my room, where I grab a backpack, put some clothes in it, my wallet (not like I have a lot of money or anything) and a thick I manage to fit in a notebook with a pencil case, my headphones, my phone, my computers and chargers, and a blanket. I put on my winter coat (in the middle of summer, but nights can be cold.) and go out the door, I know everyone is in the dining room at the moment, so I can go out quietly. I leave a quickly scribbled note at the counter:

I'm going to be away for a while, I don't know exactly how long, but I'll survive, I'm going to find myself, and you guys won't help me with that.

Greetings,

Emily.

I walked out the door, and somehow I felt relieved, but what do I do now? Where do I have to go? I don't have any places that I am connected to, or that I know? Or is it? I walk straight to De Plek. When I finally get there, I drop down to the spot where I was going to jump. I look around hoping to see someone, but no one I see. I take my notebook and pencil case out of my bag, I start writing and get lost in it. I don't know how much time passes, but it feels good. I notice it's already getting dark, and it's cold, so I'm shivering. I keep writing. I'm starting to get tired and I put my notebook and pencil case back in my bag and take out the blanket. I put my bag behind my back as a kind of pillow and wrap the blanket around me, I put up my hood and my hands in my pockets, I pull up my knees and put my head on my knees. I try to fall asleep, but not too deeply in case of police, or a thief or someone else.

The next day is boring, no one crosses the bridge, but it is ice and freezing. When evening falls it starts to rain, and I take shelter under a tree and that helps, there is a slightly less chance of getting wet. It starts to storm, lightning and thunder rumbles. I crawl deep into the shadows against the trunk, I try to fall asleep, but the lightning and thunder are getting louder, and I'm shivering from the rain and the cold, I'm soaked. Waves of emotions flow through me. And I scream, I cry, all alone I lie there against the trunk of a tree, the shadows swallowing me up and pulling me down, I have to do something, I must not stay here. I suddenly feel like I'm dying, I have the urge to give up everything and go back to that bridge, rather than die of hunger, cold and thirst, I haven't eaten for more than a day and drunk, and the pain shoots through my side. I try to get up, but suddenly all my strength seems to have disappeared, it keeps storming, and my head hurts, I lie down on the floor and put my arms protectively around my head. What is happening? Is this it? Am I dying? Dark, no, Black thoughts race through my head as I feel two strong, warm arms wrap around my waist and pull me away from the tree. Just then, lightning strikes that spot, and the tree is suddenly on fire. In a daze, I watch the fire expand, then everything becomes vague, so blurry, my eyelids are suddenly so heavy, black spots appear, and now I can't see anything at all.

I hope you liked it!