Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓

9 ; Actor

I got back home fairly quickly, and I walked into a shrouded in darkness apartment. I threw my bag and hoodie onto the sofa, and clapped so the lights came on. I sat facing my fireplace and TV, and sighed. I had been thinking during the ride back to my apartment about how I was feeling. I didn't want to move from the awkward but comfortable position on my sofa. 

"Why do I feel so weird around him now?" I sighed to myself. 

I reached for my phone from my pocket and turned it on. The screen was to bright the orange lit up living room so I turned the brightness down. I opened Instagram, and scrolled for a little bit, not moving another muscle in my body other than my finger. I kept scrolling hoping for something interesting, something to take my mind off the tense atmosphere I just escaped from.

I was hoping for something other than Chan, but when his latest photo on the Stray Kids Instagram popped onto my feed, I sighed again. Regardless of the weird tension between us, I liked the post. Simply because I did like the post. A lot. More than I should've. He was wearing his hair nicely after a performance, and a short sleeved tank top which showed off his arms nicely.

I turned my phone off and walked to the kitchen, I turned on the light by a switch and walked to my fridge. I brought out some strawberries and started chopping them up. I cut them into 4 pieces, and placed them into a bowl. My phone suddenly pinged, so I cut the last strawberry and picked up my phone again.

Chan: Hey, I know your going to be on set everyday starting from next week. I'm going to be pretty busy next week too since it's the final week of September, and Seungmin's birthday is soon. I'm just gonna work on the song myself from now on. Have a great time on set! Fighting Rain-ah!

I closed my eyes tightly, kind of hoping that his message was different. It felt like he was pushing me away, keeping me at a distance because of what happened but I was sad about it. It didn't feel good to be pushed away. 

My eyes were stinging, it reminded me so much of my days in school. I was always pushed away, alienated by the people who were supposed to be my friends. I spent years struggling to accept what happened, and I was comfortable knowing it was my fault and why people around me grew to hate me and push me away. Chan was doing the same thing without realising it. I don't blame him.

Everything that I became comfortable with helped me to build confidence and become a person who cares about people a lot. All the things that happened to me made me become selfless, and kind because I never want people to leave again. I never want to be person who pushed someone away because of the person they are, I know that pain.

Instead of messaging back, I clicked on google and started searching why I felt the way I did today with Chan. What did it all mean anyway?

If you're feeling tension with a certain friend, there could be many reasons...

blah, blah, blah

One reason could be unrequited feelings, or perhaps mutual feelings. If you feel a tension and you question certain things about this friend, your feeling could be the source of unwanted tension in your friendship.

I took a deep breath in. This website was telling me the tension and my confusion was actually my feelings for him. I laughed loudly, I never in my life felt such feelings for someone, nevertheless a man. Not that I was against it, I think as an actor, you have to be very open-minded and accepting, especially to make your audience comfortable and accepting of you. 

It's just...I've never held feelings for a man before and suddenly I meet Chan who's older than me and now I'm experiencing a confusing whirlwind of emotions for him?

To confront your feelings for your friend, you should build up courage and tell them! Your feelings will either be accepted or not, but the tension will be resolved and getting rejected is not the end of the world!

Check our website on how to deal with rejection!

I sighed, was revealing my 'sudden feelings' for him a good idea? It probably wasn't, but the website said it would get rid of the tension. 

I wouldn't just tell him, since it's his birthday on the 3rd of October, I would make him a big present and write a heartfelt letter. Therefore, if he doesn't accept my feelings then he can just throw away the letter and never talk to me in person never again. 

I rolled my eyes, feelings. Do I have feelings for him? I began thinking about him, being by him, what we could be like in the future, and would I ever live with him? Would we wear each others clothes? Kiss? 

The thoughts alone had my cheeks heating up again, and a shy smile playing on my face. I probably looked crazy if there was someone here with me, but I was alone. I shook my head, ridding myself of the delulu thoughts. So, perhaps I did like him. I was somewhat proud of it, it was the first time I had feelings like this. 

I wouldn't let him push me away just yet, it wasn't fair. I wanted him, and maybe, just perhaps I like him enough to envision somewhat of a future for us. 

What present could I get him? A beanie? More tank tops? Some jewellery? What does Chan like?

Chan likes music!

I could get him some clothes, I could write down some lyrics for the OST and impress him with my no experience of writing lyrics! Perhaps that will help Chan accept my sudden feelings for him.

If I could show my devotion to the songs, and write about how I feel as my character and about him, he might see a different more mature side to me, and he might give me a chance. I could only hope, as I went back to my strawberries.