Life is as intense as you want it to be. People in it will bring either tremendous joy or an unbearable pain. She could heal in revenge, hell being her home. But healing through words is the only way of keeping her sanity. Covering the shades of bla...
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[kodachrome] is a journal. It's my way of healing through writing down about people who hurt me, and I've hurt. In between all these years, a feeling of self-loathing has been echoing in my chest, and the baggage I'm carrying on since a young age has suddenly exploded. I found myself crying, in front of my mother, over an old heartbreak, right in the middle of a living room, some years later. I've hit rock bottom, and I knew I needed to let go of myself. There's no way I could keep resentments for much longer. Otherwise, they'd fool me, and I might end up killing the little joy that's left in my soul.
Proud of holding grudges, I'd get excited when I knew karma was on my side. But at the end of the day, and as much as it's hard for me to admit, I'd be feeling empty and wondering, "Why would people hurt me? Why have they done what they've done? Why did it have to be this way? Would it be any different if they weren't like this? Was it my fault? Am I the problem? Should I have acted differently? Would I still be with this person if all of this never happened?"
And I can't let go of my pain. I can't just forget and pretend it never happened. There's a level of trust that will never be back, no matter how much I try and how much I'd like to make amends with anyone, even with myself. I can forgive, but is it a real forgiveness if every time I have to be aware of my own behavior, so no fight will ever happen again? Is it a real forgiveness if every time I'm thinking when will the good times end, because of what they've done to me before? Will it take longer than last time for them to fuck me up again? Or this time, will I be the villain? To all of the thoughts I have, which aren't even 1% of the little I described in this introduction, [kodachrome] will be the colors I need to create in my head in order to heal, let go, rekindle friendships, forgive past relationships, and trying to stay true to myself.
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*Mostly fictional with some bases on past, real situations. If there's a situation described here that resembles with someone's else's experiences, it is not intentional at all.
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