[kodachrome]

Breakpoint: Oppression

I'm the problem.

As I'm crying at 4am
Trying to understand this pain,
I realized he's gone
He's far away now
I can't exactly recall where
But he left me with a broken heart
And I have to bear the oppresion of my soul
It seems that it happened a long time ago
In reality, it's been a couple of months only
He played back and forth with my feelings
But I'm the problem.

[i'm the one who keeps asking why, who keeps trying no matter what. i'm the one who will scream and point at his faults, just to know if he changed, trying to prove a point in his reasons, justifying my reactions, he calls it disrespectful yet he doesn't listen when I say "look at what you've done to me." i'm the one to blame here for allowing myself to even think about the possibility of him ever changing and becoming the man he was in the beginning of this nightmare of a spring.]

The friend I thought I had in him
When all he wanted from the first moment he saw me
Was to have me naked
When he knew I liked him
He wanted a submissive wife
Who would turn into his religion
Not because I wanted to
But because he'd force me to it no matter what
He wanted to keep checking other girls
While he also wanted me to cover up
Just for the sake of
["you're my girlfriend, and I don't want any guy to see you,"]
Because he knew that any guy could check on me
He'd save my pictures just to please himself
With the thought and idea he created of me
And he blatantly told me this happened
When I was in a previous relationship
He knew guys could watch me, so he wanted me
Like a kid wants a toy, and when he finally had me
He didn't even play with me but threw me away
He never cared and never listened.

[his family never knew about my existence and then he'd say it's because i don't respect his mother nor his religion, when in reality he was just scared as fuck to commit to a woman who was taught to be free no matter what. he couldn't bear not being in charge, so he left.]

And now I'm the one leaving with the oppressing love
I feel towards him
It used to be a sweet melody
Turning into a bitter scream
Every morning when I woke up
And I remember whom my heart belongs to
Crying over the window made me think
About the possibility of falling apart and dying
Would I ever love again?
I'm afraid I'm stuck in this position
And there's no place to go anymore
One thing is for sure, I will kill myself
When I feel like it
But this time, is it even worth it?

I'm the problem
I'm losing myself every day
For the sake of not thinking
About this love and the tragedy, it is
To understand that he will never be mine
Or the guy I fell in love with
I'm afraid I'll never see him again even
When I do say I rather rot myself
Than going back to him
As toxic as it sounds
I'm just as angry as I'm in love with him
And I'm praying for this feeling to go away
Once is gone, to be as happy as I have ever been
When I was younger.

[i live by other cultures, and yet he never asked me how i actually felt in it. i surely don't fit so where do i belong? not even next to him, so why am i still crying? my tears won't stop, boys will come and go, that wasn't a man but a trash and yet my heart is broken in tiny pieces, crystals all over my room.]

[what am i supposed to do? throw myself out of the window? or use my mom's gun?]

I'm going to call him one last time, again.