Silver Lining | ʟᴇᴠɪ ᴀᴄᴋᴇʀᴍᴀɴɴ

Chapter 20

I clear my throat, and his eyes turn from dark to amused. "Peppermint, sir, please," I say, and I'm actually embarrassed to hear what I sound like.

Captain Levi's lips twitch upward, the way they always do, they way I love them to, the way it drives me insane because he smiles too little. He turns away from me for just a moment to reach into a jar of dried peppermint leaves. I furrow my brows for a single second before they shoot up when Levi puts a leaf on his tongue.

I don't have to wonder what he wants from me, what he's planning, or if I want to do it. Because I do. I want to do it so desperately. Our lips meet, our hands, our tongues. He tastes like peppermint and a faint hint of him. He tastes amazing and feels even better. Levi swallows the leaf, and left is only him.

His hands let go of mine and travel up the sides of my thighs, over my hips, holding me to him. They slide to the small of my back at the bottom of my spine, making me tingle everywhere. His lips leave mine, and he leaves soft kisses along my jawline, down my neck, where he softly sucks at the sensitive skin. I can't think. I can't do anything but press my lips together in a desperate attempt to stifle a moan.

My hands are in his neck, pulling him in. They slide along his collarbone to his shoulders, then down his chest. Through the fabric of his sweater, I can feel his heartbeat, fast and hard against my palm. I can feel his muscles - every single one of them - as my hands move farther down his stomach until they stop at his waist; so small, so petite, so delicate, so fucking hot.

When I pull him closer, his bulge presses against me, and a moan slips out of my mouth against his lips. There's no way I'm going to be able to do this any longer. There's no way I can touch him like this, have him touch me like this, kiss me like this, without wanting more.

The more we move against each other, our chests rubbing together and causing friction between our shirts, the hotter the water boils. The scream of the kettle drowns out my quiet whimper when Levi pushes me back against the cupboard, his body so hard and hot against mine, his lips so urgent and delicious, his hands so careful and curious.

Our lips break apart, but the captain doesn't step away. The tip of his nose rests against mine for a moment, his eyes fluttering shut. But I keep mine open. I want to look at him, watch him, see what I do to him. Levi takes a deep breath, steadies himself, and takes a step back. I smile at him, and he gives me a tiny soft smile back.

The others take the mugs out of our hands when we join them again, and Levi wordlessly sits back down in his armchair. I grin into my mug as I slide down onto my spot on the couch. Jean raises an eyebrow at me, but all I can do in reply is to smile even wider. He flashes me a confused grin, then comes over and presses himself next to me, causing Eren to have to move on the other side of me. The two of them get into an argument that me and Mikasa have to break up yet again, but I only laugh when they finally fall silent.

"You two are children," I say with a shaking head. "Tiny little bickering children."

"Oh, shut up," Jean shoots in my direction, but he's not looking at me, and I know it's because he's trying to hide his smile.

There's not much for us to do today, so we try to entertain ourselves. We sing the songs we were taught at home or when we got to the Training Corps. Jean and I try (and fail) to teach the squad our favorite song that we sang growing up. Sasha sings her favorite, and we all sway with the rhythm of her sweet and beautiful voice. Petra and Gunther tell us stories about what the Special Squad had been like before we came along, and we all sit in silence and listen to them with our mouths hanging open in awe. My eyes never leave Levi, who keeps smiling to himself while listening to the stories.

We all take turns telling stories of our own, of how we grew up, what we liked to do, what our time in the Training Corps was like. I'm silent. I let Jean tell them about his childhood, and he includes me in it. He says "we" instead of "I" and inclines his head to me whenever he mentions me. I'm immensely grateful for him taking over because I don't want to and simply can't talk about it. This time, I notice the captain looking at me, and when I look back at him, his expression is curious. I sigh a little and excuse myself to go to the restroom, mainly because I need to escape Levi's inquiring eyes.

But I could have and should have known better. I should have known that he would come after me, would follow me, would want to ask me. I should have known. But I didn't, which is why I'm startled by his presence when I let out a breath in the darkened hallway.

"Sorry," Captain Levi says. "I didn't mean to startle you."

I can't help but smile a little, still new to the softness in his voice when he speaks to me. But I don't say anything, only lean my head back against the cold stone wall and take another deep breath. I'm trying to escape my memories, run far away from them until I have to stop and catch a breath. The second I look into Levi's dark blue eyes, I think I reached the spot where I can breathe, I think I'm far enough from the memories, from the pain, the dirt.

He tilts his head to the side, eyeing me with a curious look. "Is everything alright?" he asks.

I shrug. "Yeah," I reply even though I'm not sure if I'm lying or telling the truth. "I'm alright."

Levi narrows his eyes as if he can feel my uncertainty. Damn him for his mind-reading. "Okay," he says, but I can tell that he doesn't mean it. "If you ever want to talk about it, you know you can, right? You know I'm here."

"As my captain?" The words escape my lips before I can catch them, but I'm glad I said it. I sometimes can't be sure if he's concerned about me because of me or for the sake of the squad. I sometimes don't know if he's trying to strengthen his weakest link, trying to make me a better soldier. Sometimes, I wish it were easier for me to know what he's feeling and thinking, the way it seems to be for him.

Levi stakes a startled step back. His eyes darken as he tilts his chin down to glare at me. He obviously hadn't expected me to ask this question. "No," he answers firmly. "Not as your captain."

And even though he doesn't define what else he's here for me as, that sentence is already enough. Enough to make my heart feel lighter, my stomach relax, my lips smile. It's enough for me to slip my fingers through his, locking our hands together.

I wish we could stay in this moment forever, holding hands in the dim torchlight, finding rescue and comfort in his presence. We don't say anything for a while, and I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if he's wondering the same thing. I wonder why he never smiles.

"You never smile," I say my thought out loud.

As if only to prove me wrong, Levi's lips twitch. I don't know how to describe it when he's doing this, but it always makes my heart flutter in the hope of finally getting to see a full-on smile. I never do, but the flutter stays. His eyes soften when they find mine, and he shrugs.

"That might be true," he says. "I think I smiled more because of you in the last few weeks than I have in my entire life before that."

I'm weak. Weak in the knees, my bones, my heart. I'm weak everywhere, barely able to stand up on my own to feet, barely able to look him in the eyes. I look away, look at the wall behind him, at our hands, at the floor. I look anywhere but at him. Because I can hear him exhale another smile and I know that if I were to look at him now, I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore.

Captain Levi tugs at my hand a little, making me look up at him and find that his eyes have frozen over again. "You should go back inside," he says, and my entire body collapses.

My heart sinks, my hands drop out of his, and my head keeps bopping up and down in a sad attempt to nod. I nod too many times. "Yes," I say, even though I desperately do not want to go back inside. "Yes, I should."