"Mom I genuinely don't feel up to shopping ok? I just got home a few days ago and miss my support people." I was back in Boston and currently in bed rotting yet again. This was the worst of it. I was no longer surrounded by my best friends, my lifelines. I was home and I had my parents but other than that I was utterly alone. Alone to be with my broken heart that wasn't mending any time soon.
"Baby, it'll help I promise. Plus, we need stuff for the wedding. Tonight we're also going to Jackson's for Dinner and you can't argue. He's genuinely been worried about you and asking about you a lot. Why don't you talk to him?" My mom sighed as she rubbed my head while she held me in bed.
Because he knows. He was there. He knows what happened and still treats me like it was my fault sometimes. He knows and treats him like he didn't do anything.
"Because mom, I don't want to talk about Jack to him. I don't want to talk about Jack at all" I barely say his name. That was the first time in a while. It felt foreign leaving my lips; that alone could've brought on the water works. "You know what, let's go shopping" I decided, feeling my stomach turn at the thought of laying here another day in my misery.
"Yes, let's go" she smiled. "Change into something and I'll do your hair, ok? Try to find something nice because we're going to dress shops" I nodded as she slipped out of my room leaving me alone. Slowly i got out of bed and walked into my closet to find something to wear.
Every item of clothing held a memory. Some good. Some bad. My hands fluttered over each item, memories crashing my brain within seconds. My fingers gripped a sweatshirt and I closed my eyes as tears welled. This was a good memory. It was his sweatshirt. He gave it to me one day on the dock at the lake house last summer, after Luke left for hockey camp at UMich.
It was just me and him out there. It was chilly. So he did the thing. He gave me his hoodie and I happily slipped it over my body. He complimented it on me, saying 'it looks better on you than me'. He kept wanting to kiss me, I could tell. But he didn't, he later told me he was scared. I laughed when he said this, telling him how I had the biggest crush on him since forever. Looking back now, his shyness was sincere and it was real. I would do anything to see it again.
The next item of clothing hurt even worse. It was a jacket he had custom made for me for the playoffs. Me and him didn't make it to the playoffs...
I shook my head to rid the thoughts before grabbing a simple white sundress and wedges. I slipped the dress on and called my mom in to do my hair. Putting on the dress was a lot to ask of me right now, I'm happy she was gonna help me get ready to go out in public.
She tied the two front pieces behind my head with a light pink ribbon and curled the rest of my hair. I wish I could say I felt pretty but I haven't felt pretty since the last time he told me. Why is it that he gets to decide my worth? Why do I let him?
"Let's go shop! We need lots of dresses and swimwear. I, for one, am very excited for this." My mom and I tend to use shopping as an escape. Me and her both know we have more than enough clothes to pack for the wedding; this wasn't for the wedding. This was for me.
-
Ok so Jackson's dinner was actually a dinner party with his team. He just decided not to tell anyone this. I can honestly say this was the last thing I felt like doing. Socializing.
Nevertheless, as we maneuvered through everyone to get to Jackson, I plastered a fake smile and hugged people as we passed. One thing that changed since the breakup: parties. Before, I loved partying and letting loose with my friends or even complete strangers. Now, I can't help the anxiety that makes it's way to the surface every time I'm faced with instances just like this one. My hands shook by my side and my heart pounded in my chest with each random person to greet me.
"Jackson, you failed to tell us this was a party" My mother laughed nervously. She was my mother. She knew I was off right now.
"I know I'm sorry. I completely forgot" his eyes flickered over to me and I could tell he did actually forget. "Hey Lily..." he trailed off. I waved with a tight smile.
"Hey" I greeted lamely. My mom and dad watched the interaction with pain in their eyes and it only made me feel like shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so pathetic. I cant control this tightness in my chest, I can't control this fucking sadness that won't leave me alone for even a second. "This party saved me from any more boutiques so I can't be mad" I added to try and lighten the mood.
"We did get you some beautiful dresses for the wedding" my mom smiled, almost in relief. "Which Jackson, are you gonna be ready to go? Flight leaves Friday." The second she said this my body tensed. Friday. That was too close. How was I supposed to be mentally ready by then? I could feel the panic trying to claw its way out of my body, ready to unleash in front of all these people, but I held it down opting to analyze the way my shoes looked.
"Yes mom I'll be ok" Jackson grumbled. "Lil, come with me I got something special you" he told me sparking my attention yet again. I bit my lip as I followed him into the house and to the wine cabinet.
"Oh my favorite Moscato" I noticed right away. Now this was a surprise I could vibe with. Maybe the alcohol could calm some nerves and silence my brain. "Thanks J" i thanked him, immediately turning to go back into the crowd of people who make me anxious because I was more scared of this conversation with Jackson now.
"Lily, we don't need to talk about what happened but we need to talk about this wedding. He's gonna be there...are you gonna be ok? Look he's one of my closest friends but your my sister." He almost looked guilty. Like he realized how dicky he was about the whole thing. I wasn't gonna believe it till I saw it though.
"Luke will be there Jackson. I'm gonna stay with him. I'll be ok. I'm honestly doing a lot better" lie. That was a pure lie. I was not doing any better than the day it happened.
"Lils..." he trailed off and eyed the way my hand held the bottle so tight my knuckles were white. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment and I released some of my grip. "I want you to remember this is a vacation. You do what you need to feel good, ok? We all just want to see you ok again"
This conversation was gonna make me cry. Never have I ever seen him this genuine with me. In fact, I was tearing up. "I know I'm trying-" I stopped to wipe my eyes quickly and he released a sigh.
"You do what you need to. If I can help tell me. Tell Luke. Tell anyone who can. Please" he begged. "I'm very worried"
"I'm not suicidal Jackson" I deadpanned as I continued to wipe my eyes. "I'm just hurting. I'll be ok...he was my first love. It's gonna be worse than it will be again" I assured him. He nodded and hugged me.
"I know. I just hate seeing you like this" I didn't respond. The only thing i could think was that I lied again.
I don't think I would ever recover from losing him.
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Lily. Jewel: hi Boston Bruins ✌🏻
Comments Limited.
Lukehughes43: hi Lily, miss you bae ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Trevorzegras: 4 DAYS 4 DAYS 4 DAYS Trevorzegras: the people we are gonna scar with our behavior this next month is TERRIFYING ↪️lily.Jewel: they really have no idea what's about to be unleashed EthanEdwards: pretty pretty pretty Markestapa: is it hot in here or is it just you? 😮💨 Mommajewel: my perfect girl🥰 QuinnHughes: don't wear that dress to the wedding or Danielle will kill you!!!
