To Hurt and To Heal

The Stone Sky

"So... how is life on the other side?"

"Is it treating you well?" Annie asks once again.

"Relatively," I try my hardest to speak quietly, not wanting anyone else to hear us.

"Relatively-" She repeats, "What is relatively supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm doing quite fine, you know, handling the-" I wave my hand around, "Events."

She nods, "If I were you, I would have ran away about now, but to clarify, I hope you don't."

"I don't want to end up like my father, do I?"

"I don't want to be on the papers as a missing kid or a felon on the run."

"Though I'd like to think I'm past that."

She shrugs, "I'd like to think lots of things, but you can't change the past- or the present I suppose."

"The future is different." She states, "I'd like to think, the future isn't my fault."

"And the past and present is?"

"Maybe not completely," she says, "but I wouldn't disagree."

"Fault is a hard thing to think about really, it doesn't matter what led you here and who you are but it matters what if you continue."

"Continue this life and everything that falls in between."

Annie was right, maybe she was trying to make me feel better, but that didn't change the past or the present. It was almost as if she was trying to save me, maybe it was too late, maybe even for herself, but I wasn't about to leave anyone behind. Not ever again. This time, I could tell something was going to be different. It had to be. I wasn't a quitter- well not generally anyway.

Whether it was fair or not wasn't a question. I could step up, become a leader, but at what cost? How far would I go for my family? If I could even call them that. One thing was for sure, I had to pick and choose, despite not knowing the right answer, I had to make it work. Somehow.
*
Of course, there was the chance I could forget. But what would be the point of that anyway. I had already been through too much and gone so far for that to be a possibility. But part of me wanted to sit down and help my so-called enemy though I was already going to take down my father, one way or another. So I tried to forget that too. Not be on either side of the spectrum because maybe it was just too painful to endure this time.

Deep down, I knew I wasn't stupid, I was utterly fucked. I have been stuck all of my life and when I finally get unstuck, I'm unsure. Of course, it made sense, I was always indecisive, which made it safer depending how you look at it. But I wasn't ready to tell the truth just yet. I couldn't, telling myself anything but...that was the route I had to take. Or else nothing mattered, it was all for nothing, and I really was just a failure.
The wait for my next meeting with the chosen one was god awful, I didn't know how I was going to convince him, if I even wanted to convince him that I could change. And I knew change wouldn't take back my actions and make everything better. I could never look at Albus or Scorpius again or even myself in the mirror. The day would come and when it did, it was going to be worse than anything I've ever experienced. Because I knew I couldn't trick them with any of my games again. I couldn't sit there and lie about the prophecy and how it changed me to hurt, to manipulate, to kill. It wasn't me and I think the world's going to know that now.

I'm appreciative that I had a second chance, not a lot to do when it comes to people like me or people with a record like me. It was quite interesting when you think about it, but all I could do was wait until I run away again.

By the time, I had put so much trust in the idea I could become better, it was truly devastating to realise I could throw this away. Not on purpose, not knowing, but I could change the course of action by the snap of my fingers and there is nothing I could do about it.
And maybe it would be better if I was in that cell or that bedroom I stayed in for most of my childhood but regardless, I wouldn't be safe. I really couldn't have survived in a place like that. It's remarkable to me how I managed this far. And not to mention, the short, but unforgettable time I lived on the streets. And all I could wonder was how I got here. It was probably a combination of my past and actions but I couldn't get that thought out of my head.

It was definitely not the most healthy thing to think about but I never chose the right choice anyway. And it was always too late when I realised what I wanted to do. I never forgot the regret that filled my lungs and how it stung when I breathed out. I never really knew why it was so hard and why it hurt so bad, but I had a feeling it was from the wrong choice or the wrong reason.

But what I did know is that it was my fault. My lack of ability or emotions or something else entirely. But I couldn't change that so I tried to and I went about it in all the wrong ways.
And maybe that's a hint into my future.

I'm once again counting the hour hand landing on a higher number of the clock. It was deadening that I was stuck, it was my part of punishment I suppose. I knew I probably deserved it, but it didn't make me like it any more. Which made me even angrier with myself. If only I wasn't so rash I would not be here.

So I tried not to dwell in the past as hard as it was, it was a step forward ever so slightly into a better decision.
My father continued on his public speaking, "And that is why the world will be reborn," he shouts as he drags a bony finger across the edge of the table, ever so slightly making a ringing sound like when you touch the edge of a wine glass.

"Out with the old and in with the new."

"And the old starts with our one and only chosen one."

The rest of the table laughs, while Annie and I remain silent.

She understood as I did when my father exclaimed, "The future is dead."

"As haunting as it may be, we will go on."

"We must, for the impact of our new army."

When he finished his speech, I slump down further in my chair, not daring enough to stand up.

"Delphi," he whispers to me and I know I have to answer, "our new army will be led by you."

"You must prepare."

"Am I not prepared enough, father?" I stifle the words out, "I'd like to think I'm ready for the next step."

"As time calls, you answer, my sweet Delphini." I cringe hearing him spell my name out.

I nod as insurance but he isn't quite keen on letting me go that fast. In a swift motion, his grip tightens on my wrist. "You will be ready, won't you?"

"Yes, father." I state, "I will."
*

I pack my bag, ready for another apology to escape my lips as I make my way to the meeting spot. It takes longer than I thought it would as a minute goes by then another and another until it's almost been half an hour.

Despite my head attempting to calm my nerves, I can't help but shake my leg as I wait in the pitch blackness of the night.

"What are you doing here?" A voice calls out, too familiar but I can't quite place it.

"What do you think you're doing?" It calls out again.

"Waiting," I responded.

"And where has that ever gotten you..."

The voice scoffs then comes closer so I can see the silhouette of a man but not quite sure who it is.

"Padfoot?"

"You think he would want to talk to you after you ran away from your problems- again."

"I shouldn't have run away."

"It doesn't take a fool to know that."

"I shouldn't stayed-"

"Guess again." The voice asks.

"Rodolphus," I whisper as I catch a hitch in my breath.

"I knew you could do it." The voice responds maliciously.

"Come on Delphi, come on home."