Revive (Book Two)

Chapter 32: Unknown

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Chapter 32: Unknown

I found myself amidst the tranquil serenity of being outside, but my mind was anything but peaceful. Perhaps, this was a pivotal moment of my life, attempting to figure out what the right thing to do was in all aspects of my life including my father, my criminality, and my love.

Determined to break free from the never ending, suffocating grip of cocaine and alcohol, I was self-loathing on the truth my father spoke to me. He and I were incredibly alike and maybe it was true, we were not capable of giving or receiving love. It was a pity.

I couldn't go home, I had made a promise to stay away from her when I was in these states until I became clean, so I had to do what I've always done in these situations; turn to nature. It's vast unending beauty offered solace in a way it hadn't before and I couldn't figure out why. Was this finally my breaking point? Or maybe I was finally having a break through.

It was hard to tell in this state of mind.

One thing for sure was, as I stomped across the dirt trail with no sure destination, I felt the weight of my past mistakes slowly seep itself onto my shoulders.

The crisp air although it shouldn't have been cold out, filled my lungs and cleared out the never-ending cigarette smoke I filled them with. My judgement was off mentally and physically, considering I tripped over a small stick just a moment ago. I didn't know what I wanted to do yet, but I had to come up with a decision before I returned to the hotel.

These destructive patterns have held me captive for far too long.

Glancing up, I watched as the trees above me gently swayed as the breeze brushed past them. The rustling of the leaves and occasional crunching of a nearby critter was enough to slowly put me back into peace. Chirping birds used to annoy me, but I encouraged them to continue. I didn't want the quiet.

I shouldn't have come here, but I found myself back into the cemetery of where my dead friend rested soundly, and stared at his gravestone. This would likely be the last time I ever visited his grave and I needed a proper goodbye before I officially accepted that this chapter in my life had to close forever.

Standing before the weathered gravestone, with what was weight of my past mistakes on my shoulders, turned into the weight of severe sorrow that pressed down on my chest like a boat anchor.

Colson Isaaqs, etched into the cold and unforgiving stone was doing nothing but serve me a reminder of the immense pain he endured after I left. I thought it only happened in movies, but the sky was beginning to grey, matching the darkness in my heart.

I sighed, solemnly. "Hey buddy," I offered with a quivering voice.

The tombstone was quiet.

"I wish you were here to respond back," I mumbled and spat on the ground beside the grave. "Fuck," I muttered. "Sorry."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at the temptation of finding more cocaine. "I uh, almost murdered my dad," I admitted out loud, then chuckled at the stupidity. "Then I thought, maybe I shouldn't force you to have to deal with him..." I sighed and pulled a smoke out of my pocket. "Hell, we both know he wouldn't end up in the same afterlife as you. Maybe I should've done it."

I sighed a frustrated grunt and put the smoke to my lips, only to take it back out and fiddle with it in between my fingers. "Fuck," I uttered again. I stared at the stone. "I miss you, you know that, Twig? I fucking... Miss you."

Salty tears welled in my eyes but I blinked them away.

"I-" I sighed. "Fuck sakes. I could use your help," I paced along his grave. "You could've used mine... I don't know. Damn, Twig. I'm fucking lost, man," I babbled like an idiot. "My selfish ass didn't think of you for close to five fucking years. Five years, but there you went and stormed into my memories when all I done was push you away." I twiddled with my smoke then pointed it in his direction. "Like a fucking storm, Twig. You came back like a fucking storm."