suicide.

Selfish.

A couple months past and it's August; the start of sophomore year. I am already over the year. A week goes by and I just could not replay the haunting words, seeing the dreadful faces, and negative environment I was surrounded with; home and school. It's Tuesday, second week in, and coming back to school felt like I was just there yesterday freshman year.

After school, I ask my parents if they could take me to the library so I could study and do homework. I had my permit but not my license at the time. The library is part of a long strip with a bunch of other different stores. Fabric store, hardware store, party store, pet store, all sorts of businesses. To the hardware store and fabric store instead of homework!

I planned a few days before of what to write in a suicide letter, who to write to, contact my two long distance online friends to let them know, and what to store in 'the box.' Pictures, any important belongings. Contacts of my online friends. Letters to the important ones.

First, to the hardware store. Rope rope rope. I walk over to the aisle and see that you need assistance to cut the rope. Crap. I had to think of a scenario of why I'm buying such a tiny amount of rope. I call for assistance and an older gentleman approaches me.

"How can I help?" He asks.

"Yeah, I would like to get some rope," I ask. I started to get a little nervous.

"Alright, how much were you thinking?" He replies.

"3 feet might be good?" I nod.

He measures out 3 feet. "How does this look?"

"Perfect."

He prepares the blade to cut the rope, then asks, "So, what do you plan on using this small of a rope for?"

"Oh, I have a little kids birthday party planned and one of the activities is tug-o-war."  Lyingggg out of my teeth. Jeeze.

"I see, hopefully it goes alright!"

A wave of sadness and anxiety flows through my body. This man doesn't know that it'll be his first and last time seeing me. But I know that it will be my first and last time seeing him. I proceed with my rope and we walk our separate ways. I buy the rope. Same with the cashier. I don't know if she knew, but it just hit me knowing it will be my first and last time seeing her. I stuff the rope in my backpack and proceed to the fabric store.

Goal: Box. I just need a box to store everything in. I walk around the store for a bit until I come across a sunflower cardboard box. Perfect. I buy the box and hold that on me since it doesn't fit in my backpack.

An hour later, my parents meet me outside of the bookstore.

"How was studying?" I'm asked.

"Oh, it was alright," lying out of my teeth.

I'm just nervous. Nervous to think about the future. Nervous thinking about how there will be no more future. Just ready to end it now. Take away the pain. On our two minute ride home, I'm reciting words I want to write for letters. Planning out how I want to lay out the letters in the box and belongings.

I get working on it once we're home. I plan on taking pills, and if that doesn't work, then I'll use the rope. I decorate the box a little and garher my valuable, important belongings inside. I have my handmade letters tucked in a pile inside. Now, it's a matter of taking the pills and hoping it works.

I grab several sleeping pills and ibuprofen. I look down in my hand, and just stare into the void of pills for a moment. No one knows this will be my last time waking up. No one knows that this will be the last goodbye. I down the pills, and fall asleep.

Then, I see this white light.