State of Mind

Part Nine

The drive home was silent; Arizona stared straight ahead, her gaze unwavering as I sat next to her, looking at her in hopes that she'd look at me.

In the pit of my stomach sat a boulder of guilt. I knew without a single doubt that I had fucked up; there was no denying that. I had broken her rules and acted completely out of line, in public at that. Like a small child I was taken by the hand and lead out to the car wordlessly, but I didn't need words to know how much trouble I was in.

"I pushed that girl off of me" I say weakly, trying to defend myself in whatever feeble way I could manage. "I didn't want anyone to touch me. I just wanted to dance" my defence is even weaker; as if dancing in a group, making a spectacle of myself in some club she'd brought me to, was definitely something she'd excuse.

"I saw" is all she answers, her voice still in that eerily calm place it had been when she told me not to speak.

She was so level, but with every sharp intake of my own breath I could see her pulse jump in her neck.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have left at all, I shouldn't have had a drink, I'm so sorry please don't be mad" I babble out, practically begging for her to just look at me. The pathetic feeling of begging was nothing compared to the desperation I felt for her. "Please just look at me Arizona I'm sorry, please" I feel the tears welling in my eyes and the panic beginning to rise in my chest.

"Please just look at me" I beg, the tears burning the back of my eyes now "please just..." I trail off, trying to swallow the lump in my throat in an attempt to keep myself calm.

As if I wasn't already way past the point of being calm. Panic became me more and more as the seconds wore on, just as I saw her anger grow the more I spoke.

Her face said it all, and that's what scared me.

This is why she was the dominant one; she could keep her emotions in check, handle her own reactions and remain calm even when she was anything but. Whereas I was on the verge of a mental breakdown in the backseat of a limo because she wouldn't even so much as turn her head in my direction.

"You are beautiful" she states, still not looking at me "you are so beautiful. And you are mine" another statement, not a question "do you realize how other people look at you? Do you know what they think when they see my pretty dolly? What they think about doing to you, what they want to do to you?"

Her voice has an edge to it, her calm composure slipping just slightly at my outburst of emotion.

"I'm sorry, I don't want anyone to do anything to me. I don't want anyone, I only want you. I'm sorry, I fucked up, I really fucked up, I didn't think-" my babbling is cut short as she speaks again, her tone leaving no room for nonsense.

"That's the problem, you don't think" she snaps, before taking a pause. She breathes in, her chest rising and falling slowly as I watch her regain her composure. "I have to think for you, Amelia, and this, this, is why"

When she calls me Amelia I know I'm done for.

I was her Dolly on most days, her sweetheart on others, her love early in the morning over coffee and breakfast. I was only ever her Amelia when things were serious.

"Arizona..." I trail off, unable to find any defence. If I repeated an apology again I was sure she'd slap me. I wanted to slap me.

"Just stop" she holds up one perfectly manicured hand to silence me "because the more you speak" she says slowly, her voice growing more dangerous by the moment "the more it'll hurt"

With that, I shut up.

~

Once we were back at her place she wasted no time in taking me to her bedroom. My dress was roughly pulled off of me, leaving me in just my underwear, as she demanded I lie flat in the middle of the bed.