Beautiful Dreamer

4. I Quit

''A lost student, a fresher at campus just as he is a newbie today. In retrospect, I often wondered to myself if I had any right to feel this much attraction towards someone I'd just met.

From the very beginning, I knew I should have avoided him. It's such a shame that then and now, I haven't changed at all. While he spoke to me, surprisingly, I caught the scent of soap from his body. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

He wore me down to the last cell. Every fibre of my being craved to touch an innocent boy fresh out of high school, and just like before, he smelled of a different kind of soap when he entered my office and thoughts of him in the shower clouded my mind even whilst scolding him.

As I recall, his skin was taut... It must feel hard to the touch. Still, this was not how I remember him. He used to carry himself lightly, as skinny as a twig, but now, I'm sure there must be a thudding sound with every step he takes. Who would have thought the shy boy would sprout up as such? The stuttering, timid voice had gained confidence... The white hat that made him stand out...

Marshmallow head...' Ari chuckled.

'You still continue to take me off guard despite many years passing on, and even while I pretend to be okay, after what Mun had said about you, I find myself remembering the hate I felt towards you when you disappeared.

Because of you, I forced myself to move on, failing to feel the same way with anyone else. You'd secretly torn a part of me and disappeared along with it. I felt dead in every relationship I got into. Perhaps if you hadn't crossed my path that day or even offered to help you find your class, maybe then, I'd have... -What am I thinking right now?

Like a fool, I looked for you in everyone I met, even whilst in pain. I wanted no one but you because some of me still thought I'd meet you one day. Of course, I forgot you, but then, as if life is playing tricks on me, you show up and get my feelings mixed up again, looking much more handsome than before.

Aren't you just so cruel? Your body, jaw, breath, hair, eyes, lips...everything! I want them all to myself! Your mere existence is a nuisance, and discovering you look down on my feelings...

I hate you to the core.

Either way, there shall be no fraternizing with employees. Committing socially intimate acts with staff members is just asking for trouble, especially for someone in my position.'

"I can smell your impure thoughts, Ari." Mun appeared, peeping at the door of his friend's office. "Your cheeks are as red as they can get."

Embarrassed, Ari briefly tilted his chin up and then sighed. It was a relief it hadn't been another person. His eyes falling back onto his laptop screen, he scoffed bitterly. "Go away. I'm busy."

Mun laughed at his friend's coldness, a side of his character he'd grown accustomed to, then entered the office and shut the door behind him. "If you like him so much, just tell him. You didn't get your chance the first time and messed up the second time, too. Call him on a date, then ask him out properly."

"Can we not discuss this here? It's office hours."

"But it seems to be affecting you. If you want, I can transfer him to another department or, better yet, have him fired so you can once more pretend to move on."

"That's unprofessional. Besides, he has done nothing wrong to me."

"You just freak him out, and I don't blame him either. What you did that day, blurting out that you are gay, was indeed something. I would hide from you, too, if I were him."