Beautiful Dreamer

44. Cigarettes

It felt painful to move despite the bed being very comfortable. The smell of cigarettes didn't help either and woke Ari up. There was no doubt she remembered where she slept last and whom she slept with, but why was there a strong smell and cigarette smoke filling the room?

Forcing herself to lift her body, as agonizing as it was, she turned her head from facing the wall and came face to face with an icy look from a familiar lover.

"You appear to have slept quite well, my dear Ari." Ned's voice was coarse and cold. He stared at Ari briefly, then looked aside, puffing more smoke in the damp air. "I'll be leaving for a business trip in a few hours. You can use anything in the house as you please, and I've assigned a driver for you to and from work. Someone'll be coming in to clean the apartment regularly, so you don't need to bother grooming the place up. A personalized chef will be at your beck and call. Additionally, for some reason, my mom wants to see you as well as Lia. She is due soon, so for the sake of public appearances, I need someone to be with her as she bears my so-called child. People believe you are my personal secretary, so let us maintain that since you've been against us revealing who we are to each other. Now, how about it? Is there anything I've left out?"

"How about what?" Ari felt herself surging in anger, but the sight of a depressed Ned was not something she'd ever seen. It was as if, with each passing day, he continued to sink lower and much lower.

"If you refuse me, I'm unsure what to do." Ned dabbed his cigarette bud, lifted his chin, and then tilted his head to face a naked Ari once more. "Ari, I've sacrificed too much of my pride to have you, and I won't lose to some random boy who has nothing to offer you. I can take anything but that."

"Nothing happened between Rey and I, Ned. I was meeting his sister for an interview, and he just happened to have shown up that day. Besides, I didn't hire his sister."

"I told you to employ her, but you refused, waving me off while you had plans not known to me. To think you've been denying me the privilege to be affectionate towards you in public, but you didn't hesitate to push him away when he held your hand. You two might as well have kissed."

"Oh my word, Ned, I thought we made up."

"You let him touch you in front of everybody! A mall filled with spectators!" Ned's expression showed a deep sadness in him. "Ari, you lied to me. Don't you understand? Yesterday, you wouldn't even let me touch you until you pitied me for some sex, and I took it! You have reduced me to settle for crumbs."

"Will you please watch the bud?" Ari warned. "It's going to burn your finger."

"Why did you agree to have this relationship?" Ned ignored. "I had thought if we lived together, then you'd forget about that bastard who has given you nothing but one heartache after another."

"I wanted to move on."

"By making me his replacement," Ned said conclusively.

"Perhaps I did, but that was not my intention at first. I care for you, Ned, and I appreciate you very much. I've become fond of your family and your acquaintances. But, most of all, I really wish I could be as confident as you at professing love publicly. We may both be dominants but we are treated differently by society." Snatching the bud from Ned, Ari extinguished it between her fingers and threw it on the floor. "Not once did I ever see you smoking, and if there was no proof that I'm responsible for making you this depressed, then today I have my answer. You know it yourself that something is not right. Just yesterday, you promised to do anything I say, but you can't seem to settle for second best because you know it's not what you really want."

"That's because I've never lost a battle," Ned replied, lighting another cigarette while ignoring Ari's refusal. "How come I can't win this time when I'm doing everything right by you? You've never taken anything I offer you. Financial aid and whatnot, trying to make sure you owe me nothing before you bolt off."

"Honestly, many a time, I've been tempted to ask you for help, but I want to have confidence in my strength first, Ned. In my past life, growing up, everything was handed out to me with strings attached. I was constantly made aware I was being helped, and I promised myself that once I could leave, I'd be self-sufficient, and that habit has stuck all these years."

"Yes, I noticed." Ned flinched when he felt a burn and dropped the cigarette on the ashtray, then turned his body to face Ari. "I can turn their lives upside down, my dear. All you have to do is say the word."

"No. Ned, you know this isn't you, so don't even think of it. I've cut ties with my family and made a new one for myself. You and Mun are enough."

"I want to be your only family."

Ari smiled, raising her hand to hold onto Ned's comfortingly. "What about your family? Your sweet mother and siblings have supported you genuinely in everything you've accomplished. What of Lia and her fiancé? They'd be heartbroken if they heard what you just said."

"They would, but you are the one I want to be with."

Ari smiled. "You have no idea how lucky you are to love and be loved by your family. It was the extreme opposite for me. I've lost more than I've gained. In the process, someone lost their life because they loved me, and I watched it. I blamed myself for years and took responsibility for that loss, but today, you've helped me realize it wasn't entirely my fault. We can't always win, and we can't always lose. We can't control some unfortunate things, and it's okay. You can't help loving me just as much as I can't help liking Rey. I wish I could turn it off; believe me, I've tried for my sake and yours. Either way, I want to do right by you, Ned. I'd hate to lose you in my life."

"How is it that your words encourage me but still brand me a looser? The pictures I saw of you and Rey prove that he's developed feelings for you."

"You are right. He did tell me of his feelings that day, and I was dumbstruck."

"I'll give him that." Ned sneered. "He really knows how to rile me up."

Ari chuckled and looked at the full ashtrays. There was no doubt Ned had puffed at least four packets of cigarettes. He hadn't slept a wink and this realization made her shiver.

"Don't make that kind of face, my dear Ari." Ned reached his hand to stroke his lover's cheek. "It's okay. I would never harm anything you care for, and that includes him. I get that I can't have your heart, and the more I want it, the deeper you hide it away from me. It must be frightening giving yourself to someone you don't love. Still, good things came from this relationship. Hence, we must celebrate at least. Even my family noticed since I spend more time with them these days after limiting my trips because of you."

Dropping his hand from Ari's, Ned added, "I'm afraid of losing you. But I don't want to end us."

"Neither do I."

"I know," Ned replied and leaned forward to plant a kiss on his lover's lips. He was glad Ari hadn't pushed him away. "You've never worn your ring since I proposed to you. I should have known from then on that you would never be mine."

"I felt guilty having it. I feel it belongs to someone who really deserves you and will appreciate you better than me."

"That someone is you, but as we have it, you wish to be with another."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be. I regret noting. I had a lot of fun with you, and if Rey disrespects you, be sure I'll come to snatch you away. I'll incorporate force if I have to."

"What makes you think I'm going to be with him?"

"Didn't he already say he likes you?"

"So I should dash off to him? I've got better things to do with my life."

"Well," Ned let out a satisfied grin. "If you're not going to be with him, then I'd rather enjoy the last bits of our relationship together. How about that?"