Beautiful Dreamer

34. Why Is It You?

"Your neck is a mess."

"Who is responsible for that?" Ari blushed and looked away, unable to face Rey in the eye. "Besides, your back will need some ointment if you don't want to get scars."

"Who is responsible for that?"

"Pervert."

Rey smiled. "Indeed I am. No matter, my back is not visible to anybody but you. I can't say much for your visible neck being paraded, leaving anyone to jump into the right conclusion..."

"I know, I know." Ari covered his face after pushing the mug of tea away from him. He felt embarassed. They'd awoken, did it in the shower again, and became too famished afterwards. Presently, they were unwinding in the dining area, a feeling of heavy awkwardness around them.

For one, Ari felt overburdened with guilt for cheating on Ned whilst Rey still couldn't comprehend how wild he'd gone over a Ari's body that even now, with him sitting half naked with only his shorts on, he wanted to take him despite quenching his sexual appetite.

'This may be because I didn't have sex for a long time...or I just...simply like having sex with him despite his gender.'

"Are you sure you've never slept with a guy before?"

"Don't make me nauseous."

Ari felt a tinge of hurt inside his chest, then shook his head. "Are you regretting it now after...after everything?"

When Rey remained silent, Ari pulled his mug by the handle towards him but only stared at it. "Nobody has ever done to me some of the things you did... You-You shouldn't have done that."

"You think I go around thinking about sucking another man's...?"

"I get it! I get it alright?" Ari held his arm up towards Rey's face to stop him from speaking further. "Just don't do that the next time."

"There is going to be a next time?"

"Most definitely not! There s-shouldn't! I'm dying of guilt as we speak! I can't believe I was swayed by a guy who doesn't even know what he wants!"

"I want you." Rey declared. "That much I know, and I don't know why I feel driven towards you. In retrospect, it may have simply begun as admiration, however, I didn't know why I responded when we kissed that night after leaving the bar. I should have stopped it yet I didn't want to. Perhaps the thought of taking time during my free days, pondering over why another man would want to bed someone of their similar sex kept confusing me and dwelling on that thought, then witnessing Sir Ned kissing you at the parking bay made me start to look at you differently. Maybe I fostered thoughts of that day, not you and I, but you with someone else, Sir Ned or Mr. Valsawalva."

"You talk too much."

"Do I? This is not easy for me either Manager Ari. I wanted to punch that man's head off when he spoke ill of you. If he hadn't been a client, I'd have shown him the worst side of me."

"You talk as if you like me."

"I'm attracted to your body, that's for sure, and I still want you to mentor me. Like you? Definitely not. Still, I can't see a future with you and Sir. Ned. You don't love him enough if you can still sleep with me."

"What a nosy person you are."

"I'm I? You're the one who made me different. I should be dry heaving after what I did to your body this morning yet here I am, enoying a cup of one of your premium teas..."

"You're right." Ari cut Rey off, "It is my fault. I've always been like this, and even though I've apologized multiple times after ending one-sided relationships, I soon found myself in another entanglement, falling into the same pit with the same dialogue less than a week later.

I've played this game before. It leaves one feeling acutely lonely but with you, it's even worse. I wrong the one that I should be with, and my conscience won't let me not hold myself accountable. Even if I were to say I'm done with you, I'm I really done?"

Rey chucked. "Manager Mun was right. Your personal life is a mess."

"Why don't you two get a room and sleep together since you know me too well."

"I don't think you get me, Manager Ari. I'm not gay."

Irritated, Ari looked at Rey blankly and asked, "Then who am I? You seem to have forgotten where your member just moments ago."

It surprised Ari to see Rey bursting into laughter. He'd at least expected him to have his usual sinister expression on. "I don't go around wanting to sleep with men."

"That's not what being gay is. What you described is a player. Anyone can cheat."

"Like you did?"

"Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that and secondly, you need to evaluate your sexuality and stop being in denial. I'm not asking you what you and I are, nor I'm I setting expectations or seeking to define what we have done. Yes, I've been attracted to you for as long as I can remember, but that is just me, and I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Thirdly, as I see it, you're the type to want things to remain the way they are. You bed me with no expectations and no labels. You're neither gay nor bisexual. The safest path? Is that it?"

"Then what do you want me to do? You've claimed times without number you and Ned are serious; therefore, why sleep with me when the possibility of a happy future with him is vague?"

"Because I want you to decide! Can't you see how far you and I have gone? Do you think I want to be your friend? Did you really think I was going to mentor you Rey? Huh? Being next to you is torturous for me! After the things we've done and how much you've seen of my past, do you believe we can return to how things were?"

"You want me to call this fling off."

"Yes! Please! Because I can't! I freeze when I see you, fumble with words... I fantasize about us... I want my life back Rey!"

"But I don't want to let this go."

"You are incorrigible" Ari covered his eyes in frustration. He felt overwhelmed and trapped, and he hated it. "Talking to you is like talking to a wall."

"You are indecisive Manager Ari."

"You think I don't already know that?" '

"Are you crying again?"

Ari growled in a bid to control his temper. He shook his head, his palms still covering his face but didnt respond.

"A man should never shed tears for anybody, especially in front of another man."

"You should leave." Ari spoke with finality after uncovering his eyes.

"Manager Ari..."

"I'm not your manager any longer."

"Fine." Rey stood up. "Still, I shall continue seeking your mentorship among other things."

"You just can't help pissing me off, can you?"

"Manager Ari..."

"I said I'm not your manager."

"I'm aware, however, I want to make it clear that I don't regret sleeping with you. In fact, even now, I still want to, but I'd want it when you are completely willing, your attention entirely focused on me, and free of guilt." Rey moved swiftly, pulling Ari towards him for a persistent kiss. Ari may have rejected him at the beginning but soon enough begun responding.

"I really despise you." Ari whispered. He knew he neither sounded convinving nor looked the part but he wanted to have the last word.

"Ari, you are the only man I can do this with. Remember that."