Freefall // Hyunlix

A Broken Visual

The 8 members of Stray Kids were on edge this morning. Chan felt tense as he was responsible for the group and its members, whatever these assessments said reflected on his as the leader. Minho was worried about Jisung, he had caught him having a panic attack over the assessments and he didn't want the younger to be stressed. Changbin was just caught in the middle of everything, he was hungry, tired and everyone around him was so tense, he couldn't help but notice their attitudes starting to rub off on him. Seungmin was calm and stoic but he couldn't help feeling annoyed about the whole situation. Was it really necessary to have these assessments? Especially when it was causing so much stress to the members. Innie woke up exhausted, he could hear noises all night so he hadn't slept a wink. Felix was worried. He was worried about his image, what the staff would want to change, what things he would be forced to do in the name of professionalism. But he was more worried for Hyunjin. To say Stray Kids were a mess would be the understatement of the century. The group split into their separate cars and headed towards the company building, they were already running late so Chan hoped there wouldn't be too much traffic.

<Hyunjin POV>

Ever since the waterpark, things have been messed up. My relationship with Felix has changed, I don't know where I stand with him anymore. My once safe space is now shrouded with awkwardness and unease. I don't speak to the members either, I don't want to burden them with my presence. I feel like I can't catch a break, as the voices are getting louder and unbearable, they never leave me alone.

"Cut Yourself. Just one more line. Deeper. You like this pain, do it again. Cut deeper Hyunjin. "

"Stupid, ugly pig. Fat. Useless. Shameful. Burden. Worthless. You're just a problem."

"Kill yourself."

These thoughts circled my mind like a never ending mantra. I felt numb and paralysed, it feels like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. No one can know how I feel. It will only make it worse. I think my brain is trying to kill me but I could be wrong. The voices were right about my eating, they helped me lose weight. Equally the cutting does help me relieve stress, maybe death is the ultimate solution to my problems. I'm just too afraid to do it. I still love my members and my dog Kkami as well as STAY. What would happen to them if I left them behind?

I'd been dreading today. I suppose I hoped that if I avoided the others like the plague, they would forget about me and I wouldn't have to go. But alas, I was awoken roughly by Chan shaking me. I headed to my designated car and slipped into my usual backseat, sliding my headphones on. My classical playlist drowned out any noise around me and I couldn't help but slip into my thoughts. (Voices are in bold, Hyunjin's thoughts are italics)

"They're going to expose you Hyunjin. Everyone is going to laugh at you. Who would want someone as fat as you in the group?"

"I know I need to work harder, I've been trying, I swear."

"It's pathetic Hyunjin. You have barely lost any weight, your face looks like a balloon, your thighs spill out of your pants and as for your stomach... I mean look at the jiggle"

"Am I really that pathetic?"

"Yes. Yes you are."

"They're going to kick you out of Stray Kids."

"I probably deserve it though, I mean I'm pathetic. "

"You deserve everything bad that's happening to you. It's your fault for burdening them with your existence, why don't you just give up? There's some rope in the storage closet at work, do it Hyunjin. You don't deserve to live."

Do I deserve to live? After everything am I really happy? Is this a life I want to live? Am I really without hope, am I just wishing for a miracle, waiting for someone to swoop in and save me? I know that I'm worthless, I don't try nearly as hard as I should. My body is wrong and no matter what I do, nothing seems to help me improve. I feel like I'm just getting worse over time, my mind and my body are just willing me to give up. But I mustn't. Not yet. Kkami needs me.

Arriving at work, the 8 of us signed in and headed to the 49th floor. I followed behind as the boys stepped into a rather bland office. In the corner of the room there were two grey sofas, looking tattered and old. Next to it was a rather sad looking plant and a small coffee stained table. On the other side of the room there was a bunch of measuring equipment and a scale. Not a scale. My chest started constricting, there was so much pressure I felt like I was going to explode. They're all going to laugh at me, they're going to see how fat I look! I can feel the bile rise up in my throat so I get up and start to stumble towards the door, my hand grasped tightly over my mouth.

"Hyunjin where-" Chan started

"Bathroom" I cut him off.

Once I got out of eyesight I sprinted towards the bathrooms at the end of the corridor. I knew we were alone on the floor so no one would disturb me there. I slammed open a stall door and began to retch violently, a few small waves of stomach acid trickled out. What did I expect really, I hadn't eaten anything to throw up. My throat burned badly but the pain felt good. I deserved this. Leaning back against the cold wall I tried to control my breathing, I could tell I was hyperventilating but what could I really do? I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped myself up, imagining I was being hugged by Felix. I started thinking about how he calmed me down when I was like this and what he would say to me. Even though my mind was racing, my chest seemed to loosen somewhat. I wasn't comfortable by any means, I felt extremely anxious but I was okay. I looked in the mirror at my dishevelled appearance. My black hair was messily tangled; beads of sweat laced on my forehead. My eyes were bloodshot and there were tear tracks all over my puffy cheeks. My face was so swollen I looked like a balloon. Disgraceful. You've really let yourself go this time Hyunjin...

I tried my best to clean up my appearance before returning to the boys. There weren't tear tracks on my face anymore and I sucked a mint to get rid of the smell of vomit. But my nose and cheeks were blotchy and my eyes were bloodshot- there was no avoiding that.

I started the walk of shame back to the office, the anxiety brewing within me once again. With a small sigh, I shook my hands in hopes to gain some courage before I pushed open the door. Keeping perfect eye contact with the floor, I slunk back into the room crashing on the nearest sofa next to Chan.

"You alright mate?" he whispered to me, glancing at my messy appearance.

I nodded, maintaining my staring contest with the floor. The other members were chatting amongst themselves, oblivious to my struggles. I wish they would notice me. I wish so badly to be like them, so carefree, so happy. A small tear slid down my cheek as I thought back to all the good times when I used to fit in with the boys. All our happy memories together were replaying in my mind, torturing me, showing me what I was missing out on. Silent tears rolled down my face as I tried to blink them back, my grip on my emotions weakening by the second.

"Jinnie" Chan spoke softly, placing his hand on my thigh. I let out an involuntary wince and flinched away from him slightly. I saw a look of worry flash across his face and I knew I fucked up. "Jinnie, come here." He held his arms out warmly, offering me a hug. It was just what I needed right now and I gladly accepted. Leaning into his embrace, I let the silent tears fall. It dampened his shirt but he didn't seem to mind, instead he carded his hand through my hair, holding me gently. What had come over me? Why was I so weak?

His presence soothed my jumbled thoughts, calming the storm of emotions within me. I tried to focus on my breathing and to forget where I was right now. I wish the voices would leave me alone. I just need 5 minutes to myself. I'm not asking for a lot here right?

"Jinnie, I'd like to talk to you when we get home if that's okay? It's about your doctor's appointment next week." Chan spoke quietly so no one else could hear us. I nodded my head but didn't look at him. I felt so embarrassed about my appearance, there would definitely be tear stains on my face now. How pathetic.