Freefall // Hyunlix

The Plan

<Hyunjin>

The door to the office swung open and in stepped several staff members, most of them I recognised but there was one woman who stood out. She wore a black skirt with a white shirt and matching black blazer, her auburn hair was in a french twist and her rectangular glasses stood askew on her crooked nose. The way she looked at me sent shivers down my spine, she looked at me with hatred. Her piercing eyes stared into my soul, it was as if she could see inside me. Silence fell over the room as our manager started to speak.

"Alright boys, this is Kim Jiwoo, a leading dietician and nutritionist. She is here to assist us today and offer advice where required." I could hear the members greet her warmly, smiling at her but I couldn't. I couldn't even meet her eyes.

"We will work through you individually and give tips to your stylists to improve for this new comeback. Each turn should take no more than 10 minutes so you should be out of here in the next 90 minutes or so. Jeongin, we will start with you." the manager said, ushering his Jeongin's stylist over. I watched as they started to measure the maknae, taking every single measurement and writing it on a clipboard. He stepped onto the scale next before they recorded that too, speaking to Innie quietly about something. Jiwoo started speaking to Innie too, probably giving him some advice. He was nodding enthusiastically and seemed to be taking in whatever she had to say.

Sitting silently in Chan's arms, I waited for my turn. Fear and dread kept swelling within me and I could feel myself shaking as my turn approached. I heard my name being called and I began to rise, my legs shaking underneath me, my palms clammy and my face red and swollen. My stylist looked at me with pity and my manager started to measure my body. I felt humiliated. While they worked in silence, I could feel their judging glances. I knew I was fat. But this felt awful.

"They're laughing at you. Little Piggy Hyunjinnie, I told you you were pathetic and now look. They can see right through you, the way your thighs chafe, the three chins hanging from your balloon face, the rolls of fat protruding from your belly jiggling with every breath. You've let everyone down. You're such a disappointment."

After my stylist made some notes on her clipboard, she ushered me towards the scale. I wrung my hands, nervously stepping onto it. The familiar beeping sounded and I couldn't help but look at the number. 112 lbs. Not good enough. Not NEARLY good enough Hyunjin. I saw the look of surprise on my manager's face and shock on my stylists. They could see how heavy I am, how fat and ugly I am. How worthless. Kim Jiwoo beckoned my manager and stylist over and the three started whispering, exchanging glances at me. I felt so ashamed, I wanted to sink into the ground and die. I stood there, my cheeks growing redder, my gaze burning into the floor before they ripped back to reality.

"Hyunjin, you are underweight. You are going to need to follow a diet plan for the next couple of weeks to get you back on track." Jiwoo handed me a sheet with calorie packed meals. My eyes skimmed over each one, my brain racking up the total calories per day. 3500 a day?! No way in hell was I touching that! I'm fat enough as it is, why can't they see that? Why are they trying to make me more hideous? Mumbling a quiet thanks, I scrunched the plan up in my pocket and sat next to Chan. My heart was racing, blood was pounding in my ears, my chest growing tight with every breath. I was going to die.

"Chan..." I croaked out, my eyes swimming with tears. I could see him look at me, he knew what was going to happen, perhaps better than myself. Without a second word his warm hands gripped onto me and I felt myself being ushered out of the room. I let him guide me as I felt so weak. The world was spinning so fast, I couldn't breathe. I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't-

Blackness shrouded my vision and I stumbled backwards into someone.

Why was I on the floor?

Who was holding my hand?

What was happening?

Opening my eyes slowly, I could see the small figure of Chan hunched over me. I was lying on the floor with my feet in the air, what happened to me?

"Hey Hyunjin, it's alright buddy, you fainted. Do you remember what happened?"

I racked my thoughts when suddenly the events of 5 minutes ago hit me. My stomach felt like it had been hit with a baseball bat. I could feel myself trembling, my eyes watering again, my chest was extremely tight. Gasping for breath, I stared into Chan terrified. I couldn't even form words, ask him to help, nothing. He knew what to do. I felt him sit me up slowly, and pull me into his embrace. My heart was pounding, everything felt numb, It was like I was underwater. His muscular arms tightened around me, my head was pulled into his neck and his hands made shapes on my back.

"Everything's going to be alright Hyunjin"

But everything was not going to be alright Chan. Why can't you see that? They want me to look hideous, they want to feed the pig more food, make him swell to an even bigger size than before. They want to humiliate me in front of STAY, in front of the world. I want to die Chan, I want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I want out. I don't want to play this game anymore. I've had enough. My head was screaming for help and all my body could do was lay motionless in my leader's arms. My physical form may have calmed in his presence but I was deep in battle in my head. Emotions tore me to shreds, raging a vicious battle.

"Jin, do you want to stay here? I can send one of the members to comfort you while I have my assessment, we can go home right after I promise." I nodded silently, I was too drained to speak. My eyes watched as he left the room, my brain barely acknowledging my surroundings. The war within me raged on and I found myself on the losing side. My hand subconsciously reached into my pocket and latched itself onto my blade, but before I could pull it out Minho walked in.

I looked up at him and withdrew my hand from my pocket. I stared into my arms, thinking back to the sea of red from my dreams. Maybe it was a sign all along, maybe this was what I was meant to do? I felt Minho hyung sit down next to me, his hand silently stroking my back. It was a comfortable silence, my mind was set on what I was going to do. For the first time in a long time, I felt happiness.