Freefall // Hyunlix

An Unintentional Confession

<Hyunjin>

My blood ran cold. It felt like I had been doused in ice water, the shock rippling through my body. I stood up, panicked. I could feel Felix next to me, guiding me towards the doctor. My thoughts were racing, my mind running through millions of disastrous scenarios. My chest was beginning to feel constricted, what hell awaited me through that door. In an attempt to calm myself, I began to assess my surroundings. There were 4 deep oak doors, each with a silver plate next to them. The silver plates had the room numbers engraved onto them followed by the general function of the room. We passed doors 35 and 36, treatment rooms. I continued to follow the nurse as we passed doors 37 and 38, phlebotomy labs. The doctor stopped in front of door 39, a consultation room, and began to unlock it. A small breath escaped me as I knew I'd be safe for now, I wouldn't have to have any treatments while I was in this room.

The door swung open, creaking as it went. Following the doctor inside, I took a seat on one of the blue chairs intended for patients as Felix sat down on the other one next to me. He gripped my hand tightly and began slowly massaging it in an attempt to relax me. I felt less tense by the second as his presence was really soothing, I knew he'd keep me safe. The doctor shut the door behind us and locked it to make sure no one else entered while we were in there. As usual I started to analyse the doctor. She had dark brown hair with a pink streak at the front, beautiful cat like eyes which sparkled under the fluorescent lights and luscious pink lips were adorned with a subtle gloss. Her aura was a safe one, I felt like she cared and was someone who was easy to talk to. Sitting down in her chair, the doctor began to speak.

"Hello Mr Hwang, my name is Dr Hwang Yeji and I understand your friend Chan made this appointment to discuss your blood test results. If it makes it easier for you, please just call me Yeji." I nodded before she continued on.

"Who've you brought with you today Mr Hwang?"

I cleared my throat. "Please, call me Hyunjin. I've brought my friend Felix. He was with me when I had the blood test." I looked at the floor, ashamed.

"Hyunjin, if it's not too hard, would you be able to tell me what happened that day? It might help me get a better understanding of events and also help me understand your results more." Yeji had already had a rundown of what happened from Chan when he made the appointment, as a psychiatrist she was interested to see Hyunjins perspective of events and what he thought had happened.

I looked up at her and gulped. My leg was bouncing and my fingers were tapping restlessly on my other hand. "I was at a photoshoot with my friends." I began, anxiously looking down at the floor. "I went up for my turn and it didn't really go well. I felt really hot so I went to the bathroom to cool off and then I suppose I passed out." The lie just slipped out. I didn't mean to lie to Yeji but telling her what actually happened just seemed too much.

"That's not what actually happened though, is it Hyunjin?" Yeji said with a sad smile. I shook my head, how did she know?

"Hyunjin, I'd rather you just say that you don't want to talk about it than have you lie to me. It's important that we communicate with each other and that we are honest. In this room, there is no judgement, just people who love and support you and want you to succeed. Do you want to tell me what really happened or would you rather keep it private?" She asked me. I felt conflicted again, perhaps more so than when I had my conversation with Chan. I knew that Yeji could see right through me, she could see my pain. This time was different, I had Felix with me, I felt like I could do anything with him there. My words slipped out before I even realised what I was doing.

"I woke up feeling sick that morning, my head hurt and my body ached. I had an argument with the members a week prior and I honestly didn't want to go to the photoshoot. When we were in the car, I was teased by one of the members and it made me feel even more overwhelmed than before. I watched as my hyungs did really well in their photoshoots, getting praise from the other members and the staff. When I got up for my turn I felt worse than ever, my thoughts were racing and I was sweating. I felt so anxious, so scared, I didn't want to do it. After my turn, the members were silent and I knew I'd done a terrible job. I went to the bathroom to get out of the situation, I wanted to be alone. But when I got there, I broke down. My mind was racing, thoughts crowded my mind and I felt like I was lost in a crowd. I broke down crying. I remember I wanted someone to hold me, tell me it was okay, but I was alone and that made it worse than ever. I tried to get up to go and hide in a stall in case someone came in but as I got up I passed out. " I finished with a sob. Felix pulled me into a tight hug and began rubbing my back. Between my broken sobs, I could hear him telling me it was going to be okay and apologising for leaving me there alone. I stayed in his arms as my sobs began to quieten and out of the corner of my eye I could see Yeji offering me a tissue. With a shaky hand I took it and dabbed my eyes. Regret pooled within me, I shouldn't have shared with her my thoughts. What was I thinking?!