Avenoir

Avenoir - Marlena

What I said was true. I did have a patient to check on. But also true was the fact that I didn't need to leave right at that moment.

However, seeing John being so kind to Kristen, so loving and so concerned about her health and happiness is galling to me. If only she was half as concerned about his happiness. But no, this is about her and what she wants, as it always is. This is about her need to win at all costs.

Sometimes I think she is more concerned about beating me than she is about having John.

There are moments that I struggle to maintain a hold on my temper where she is concerned and earlier in her hospital room was one of those. I wanted to smack that spiteful smirk right off her face. I want to scream at her and tell her she doesn't deserve John's love or loyalty. But that would only be playing into her hands. She would know then, how much she angers and irritates me, and she would find some way to use it against me, to play victim in John's eyes. So, I behave like the reasonable, measured woman I am, and I take a deep breath and walk away, knowing that one day, this will all come crashing down on Kristen, whether I am the architect of her downfall, or not.

I watched him kiss her and I lost what little breath I had in my lungs. He had just kissed me like that, open mouthed, searching, demanding. Watching him kiss Kristen in the same way made me die a little inside and I knew I had to escape. If I can't tell him the truth, then I can't be around him. I can't continue to lie to him with a clean conscience, so I will just keep my distance until I can tell him all the facts I know.

After seeing my patient, I find myself outside the nursery, watching the babies. Watching their baby.

He's such a little beauty, although strangely I don't see much of John in his delicate little features. I guess that will come in time. I lean my forehead against the glass, watching him as he moves his unfocussed eyes around the room. I imagine John holding him, kissing his sweet, soft baby head, whispering how much he loves him. I imagine him in the nursery at night, holding John Jr. as he feeds him a night-time bottle. I imagine how much he will love and adore him and what a wonderful daddy he will be to this sweet little boy.

"Oh, please let him be okay," I send up a prayer. John has already lost too much in his life. He lost his memory and his past. He lost his wife and then his family, his children, and his identity. And then having rebuilt his life, he lost Isabella. He can't lose his son too. That would be too cruel.

But won't he lose him if I tell him the truth? Not completely, of course, but he will surely lose time with him. I know Kristen, I know how vindictive she is, and I know she will use the baby to try and hold onto John. And if he chooses to walk away, if he chooses to be with me, she will use his son to punish him.

Is it fair of me to take that from him? Doesn't that make me just as bad as Kristen, putting my desires ahead of his son's needs? His baby needs a daddy, needs stability. Right now, he's a very sick little boy, and he needs all the love and energy that his parents can give him. Am I selfish enough to consider taking that away from him?

I watch his little face scrunch up as he prepares himself to wail loudly. He might have a heart problem, but he can still give an energetic scream or two, it seems. One of the nurses comes over to him and picks him up out of the crib, crooning soft, soothing noises I assume. I can't hear, I can only watch the silent show before me.

I imagine it's me picking him up and comforting him. I imagine he's mine and that John is there with me as I coo and kiss his sweet head, inhaling his fresh baby scent. I imagine John coming up behind me and murmuring to our son as he wraps his arms around us. I imagine the baby grabbing hold of handfuls of my hair and rooting around against my neck with his tiny open mouth, looking for his next feed. My breasts actually tingle as I remember what it felt like when Belle would latch on and suckle, taking nourishment from me as I watched her, overwhelmed with love and protectiveness.