Avenoir

Avenoir - Marlena

Marlena

I exit my office with my coat looped over my arm and my purse in my hand. In my other hand, I hold my keys and I am just about to lock my office door when John rounds the corner.

My heart thumps wildly as he rushes toward me. "Doc, we need to talk," he says breathlessly.

"I um..." my cheeks flare hotly. I promised I wouldn't say anything to him today and I know I can't be around him for any length of time and keep silent about Kristen. And I can't look him in the eye and lie to him about how I feel any longer. I feel like, after that kiss, it must be written all over my face. "I have a patient I need to see." My voice is choked, and he puts his hand on my upper arm.

"With your coat and your purse?" he asks softly.

I pause for a moment, trying to wrack my brain for something to say, something that will sound plausible.

"I am seeing... I have to go out afterward. Pick up... Lexie is watching the children. I have to get back..." I flounder around, trying to find something believable. He watches my face carefully and I can see the scepticism in his eyes.

"You're trying to avoid me, Doc." He rounds me, pulling my arm so that I pivot and am facing the door of my office.

"No!" I shake my head as he pushes down on the door handle and pushes the dark wood of my office door open. "No, John, I really have to go."

"No, Doc," he pushes me through the doorway into my office and closes the door behind him. "Not until we've had this conversation."

My heart flutters wildly in my chest as he leans against the door, locking the door behind him.

"What..." I can feel my cheeks reddening as I back up and throw my purse and coat on the couch behind me. "What do you want to talk about?"

"What happened earlier," he says, fixing me with his deep blue eyes. They are almost hypnotic in their limitless depth, and I feel for a moment like I am falling headfirst into him. Into his intensity and his magnetic personality. "You said you were going to tell me something."

"I...." I attempt to smile. "I said that could wait," I turn around, as casually as I can manage, making sure my back is to him, and make my way to my desk. When I am there, I start to pick through papers as though I am looking for something.

"I know you did," his voice is quiet behind me, and I am curious for a moment as to what expression his face wears. But still, I can't bring myself to turn around and look at him. "Doc, I know you did. But I got to thinking and I felt like... whatever it was, it must have been important. I don't know why, I just..." he trails off as I continue to shuffle through the papers on my desk. "It was an awkward moment and I feel like I didn't..."

"It was," I say quietly, my heart hurting in my chest. "It was awkward, yes." I so badly want to tell him everything. About Kristen, about her lies, about my feelings. But the truth is, I am scared. Despite Laura's reassurances, and her absolute certainty that John is in love with me, I am no longer sure. I want to believe it, but I also don't want to embarrass myself or embarrass him. As long as I stay silent, I can still believe that there is a chance for us, that one day, we will find our way into each other's arms. If I tell him right now how I feel, and he doesn't feel the same...? Then it's all over. I will finally have to relinquish my dreams of being with him.

And God, how pathetic does that sound? I'm not some naïve young girl, pining after her first crush. I am an adult woman, nearing middle age. I am a psychiatrist, for goodness' sake. And here I am, behaving like an awkward ingenue.

"Doc," he is close behind me now. I can feel him behind me. The warmth of him, the way my body vibrates with his proximity. The hair stands up on the back of my neck and I feel momentarily breathless and slightly dizzy. "Doc, look at me."

"I..." I scoot around the edge of the desk and slip behind it, holding tightly onto the back of my chair. I still don't look at him, just leaf through the folders that sit on my blotter. "I can't find... what I'm looking for. I know it's here. It has to be here."

"Marlena!" His voice is sharp as he follows me around the end of the desk. I am being stupid, I know I am. He knows I am. I couldn't be more obvious if I tried. He takes me by the upper arms and bodily turns me so that I am facing him. I am forced to look up into his face. Into his electric blue gaze. "I'm not going to hurt you," he tells me gently, "you're acting like you're scared of me."

"Oh, I'm not," I can't help the thrill that shimmers through me at his touch. I feel breathless and an odd panicky fluttering settles in my belly. "I'm not scared of you, John."

"Then why are you shaking, baby?" he asks me softly, smoothing his right hand down my left arm as his left hand holds my right.

I swallow, my throat tight. I don't know what to say to him. Being so close to him earlier, to feel his mouth on mine, his arms around me, it has unbalanced me. My world has toppled off its axis. I have longed for this moment, this opportunity for months, and now it is here, I don't know how to grab it. I don't know what to say to him.

Oh honey, he's going to notice. Trust me on that. Subconsciously, he knew that was you. Laura's words echo in my head. He doesn't know you feel the way... you feel about him. You haven't exactly been honest with him. Maybe if you were, and you asked him what he was thinking you would know the answer.

"John, please let me go," I ask, and cringe at the pleading note in my voice. I want nothing more than for him to take my face between his gentle, sensitive hands and to drift his lips across mine in that gentle teasing way he used to, but I can't get the words out. I love him so much it's overwhelming and yet I can't bring myself to say the words that would end all this, one way or the other.

"Doc," that nickname, that endearment falls from his lips so impossibly softly, but he doesn't let go of me. If anything, his hold on my arms tightens. "Baby, you're shaking." I see him swallow nervously and I wonder suddenly if this closeness is affecting him as much as it's affecting me. "If you're not scared of me, then what is going on with you? What are you feeling?"

I am caught in his undertow, and I don't even know which way is up anymore.

"I... I don't know what you mean," I stammer.

He sighs rubbing my arm softly and then smoothing his hand down until his hand finds mine. He watches his fingers weave between mine so that we are indelibly joined where our hands meet. Then he lifts our hands so that they are between us. "Doc, you're my best friend. You know I don't ever want to lose that, right?"

"I know, I know." My vision blurs and I tremble with the restraint it takes to stop the tears spilling over my lashes and down my face. I can't take him explaining again. I can't bear to hear about how he was dreaming about Kristen, dreaming about kissing her, making love to her.

This is unbearable.