Avenoir

Avenoir - Marlena

Marlena

 "Laura, I can't talk about this anymore," I say wearily. I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of the ache that has settled in my chest. I am tired of knowing that there is a decision that I have to make, and that what I want and what is right are diametrically opposed outcomes.

"Honey, please don't give up on him, not now!" Laura pleads. "You're so close."

"Am I though?" I ask her, the question painful in my mouth. I no longer know. I have waited for months to tell him the truth but now the moment is here, I am nervous, and I am questioning just why it is he is still with her if he loves me so? "Or am I just hanging onto something that was over a long time ago?"

"He wrote you that letter in Aremid," she reminds me, taking my hands in hers again. "He thought he was going to die, and his last thoughts were of you, Marlena. He realised he loved you."

"That was a year ago, Laura," I pull my hands from hers and stand up, frustrated and irritated. I know everything she is telling me. And this morning I would have agreed with her. But John kissing me and then denying everything about that kiss... claiming that he thought I was Kristen, and not even acknowledging that I was responding, that I was enjoying everything about our encounter... well at the very least I feel a little demoralised. At the worst, I feel hurt, exhausted and defeated. "If he really loved me like that, if he still loved me, wouldn't he have told me by now? Wouldn't he have shared his feelings with me after he rescued me in Aremid? Wouldn't he question just why I risked everything for him if I didn't love him too?"

"Oh honey, I don't know what he's been thinking," Laura sighs. "Except that maybe he doesn't feel confident in your feelings for him. Maybe he doesn't want to embarrass you, or himself. All I know is the way I see him looking at you when he thinks no-one else is looking. The way he takes your hand and the way he holds you. And what about the way he's insisted you stay at the mansion?"

"He wants to keep me safe," I say uncertainly. I want to believe her; God knows I do. But that's just the problem, I can't sort out fact from fantasy in my head right now. I feel so terribly confused and uncertain if I am simply making up scenarios in my head and reading things into his actions because I want him so badly. "He cares about me, of course he does. I'm the mother of his child. But that doesn't mean he's in love with me."

"Oh, come on, Marlena," Laura scoffs. "You really think he's loved you for all these years only to suddenly stop now? He was frantic when Stefano had you in Paris. He would have done anything to find you. He barely even remembered Kristen existed. I'm telling you, that man is crazy about you and the sooner you get over yourself and tell him you feel the same way, the better for everyone."

I turn and look at John's baby through the nursery window. Not everyone, I think."Laura, I can't talk about this anymore," I say wearily. I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of the ache that has settled in my chest. I am tired of knowing that there is a decision that I have to make, and that what I want and what is right are diametrically opposed outcomes.

"Honey, please don't give up on him, not now!" Laura pleads. "You're so close."

"Am I though?" I ask her, the question painful in my mouth. I no longer know. I have waited for months to tell him the truth but now the moment is here, I am nervous, and I am questioning just why it is he is still with her if he loves me so? "Or am I just hanging onto something that was over a long time ago?"

"He wrote you that letter in Aremid," she reminds me, taking my hands in hers again. "He thought he was going to die, and his last thoughts were of you, Marlena. He realised he loved you."

"That was a year ago, Laura," I pull my hands from hers and stand up, frustrated and irritated. I know everything she is telling me. And this morning I would have agreed with her. But John kissing me and then denying everything about that kiss... claiming that he thought I was Kristen, and not even acknowledging that I was responding, that I was enjoying everything about our encounter... well at the very least I feel a little demoralised. At the worst, I feel hurt, exhausted and defeated. "If he really loved me like that, if he still loved me, wouldn't he have told me by now? Wouldn't he have shared his feelings with me after he rescued me in Aremid? Wouldn't he question just why I risked everything for him if I didn't love him too?"

"Oh honey, I don't know what he's been thinking," Laura sighs. "Except that maybe he doesn't feel confident in your feelings for him. Maybe he doesn't want to embarrass you, or himself. All I know is the way I see him looking at you when he thinks no-one else is looking. The way he takes your hand and the way he holds you. And what about the way he's insisted you stay at the mansion?"

"He wants to keep me safe," I say uncertainly. I want to believe her; God knows I do. But that's just the problem, I can't sort out fact from fantasy in my head right now. I feel so terribly confused and uncertain if I am simply making up scenarios in my head and reading things into his actions because I want him so badly. "He cares about me, of course he does. I'm the mother of his child. But that doesn't mean he's in love with me."

"Oh, come on, Marlena," Laura scoffs. "You really think he's loved you for all these years only to suddenly stop now? He was frantic when Stefano had you in Paris. He would have done anything to find you. He barely even remembered Kristen existed. I'm telling you, that man is crazy about you and the sooner you get over yourself and tell him you feel the same way, the better for everyone."

I turn and look at John's baby through the nursery window. Not everyone, I think.