Avenoir

Avenoir - John

John

I don't know how long it is before we come back to our senses, and I feel Marlena slumped limply against me, our sweaty bodies still entwined.

"You okay?" I ask softly as she groans, pushing herself away from my damp chest, the imprint of my dark chest hairs curled in her damp skin.

"I..." she puts her hands on my shoulders to push herself back and she looks at me with her captivating hazel eyes. "I am amazing, Mr. Black. Just amazing." She leans forward and kisses me softly on my lips.

"That you are, pretty lady. That you are." I bring my warm hands up and uses them to frame her face, a palm caressing each cheek as I nuzzle her, and then sprinkle soft kisses all over her gorgeous mouth and face.

"Oh, John," she sighs as she rolls her hips slightly, and I can feel her clench around my half-hard cock. "This.... I didn't expect any of this."

"I didn't expect to wake up kissing the most beautiful woman in the world, but here we are," I murmur against her cheek as I press myself into her still-spasming depths.. "Honestly, Doc. I can't believe you love me. After everything... I thought I blew it. I thought there was no chance you would ever want me back."

"No," her eyes widen as she shakes her head. "I thought I was the one who had messed everything up. After Roman... after what happened in New Orleans. You were in love with Kristen, and I was focused on just trying to pull my life back together. And then.. well after..." her eyes sparkle with tears and my heart constricts as I think about that terrible time in our lives. A time when I came so close to failing her, to condemning her to an eternity of unthinkable misery.

"I knew," I say softly. "After that, I knew how much you meant to me. How much I loved you. I would have gladly given my life for you. My soul."

"You did," the tears shimmer brightly, magnifying the tawny gold of her iridescent eyes. "You offered yourself. You didn't hesitate, and it astonishes me every time I think about it."

"I loved you," I say, searching her face. "I love you. I would do anything for you, Marlena. To make you happy. To keep you safe. I couldn't bear to watch what happened to you. The thought of you..." I swallow, my throat suddenly sore and tight. "I couldn't... I had to do whatever I could, even if it meant taking your place. I would sacrifice myself for you. In a heartbeat."

She opens her mouth, as though to say something and then closes it again, the tears spilling from her eyes.

"I didn't think I deserved that," she whispers, almost inaudibly as she brings her hand up to my face and strokes my forehead and temple gently. "I didn't think I deserved you. So, I pushed my feelings for you, my love for you, away. I told myself I would be happy if you were happy." She sighs. "But I wasn't. Not really. I was happiest when I was with you. And the children."

"So, you told me you just wanted to be friends?" I ask her, still trying to understand how she could have stayed silent for so long. How she could sacrifice her own needs for what she thought were mine. "Even after you realized how you felt? Baby, you put everything on the line for me, to save me from that gas chamber. But you still didn't tell me how you felt. I don't understand why."

"I was going to the night you first convinced me to stay at the DiMera Mansion," she sighs, finally climbing off my lap. I swivel and bring my legs up, lying down on the butter-yellow sofa, my head on a cushion. Marlena curls into the crook of my arm and hooks her thigh over mine with a small, conflicted sigh. I pull the throw off the back of the sofa and pull it over our cooling bodies. "But while you were out looking for Stefano, Kristen took the opportunity to convince me that you felt responsible for me. That as long as you felt that way, as long as you were confused about my feelings, you wouldn't commit to your relationship with her."

"She manipulated you," I frown as I stroke her hair.

"She reminded me of how many lives I destroyed when we had our affair. She said she was sure I wouldn't want to destroy Belle and Brady's lives like that," I feel the warm moisture of her tears sinking into the skin of my chest, and I sigh, kissing the top of her head.

Then I take a deep breath, trying to control my anger. And my guilt. I can't believe I didn't see the truth of what a manipulative monster Kristen is. I can't believe I let her push Marlena around like this. Marlena, who is the sweetest, most honest person I have ever known. She has more integrity in her little toe than the DiMera's have in their whole collective, twisted family.

"Baby, we were in love. And we were torn apart when Roman came home. We had people we thought we owed love to. We thought we owed them the best we could give them. But we should have been honest with ourselves back then. Back in Mexico. I never should have walked away from you. I loved you and I was terrified of losing you again. So, I pushed you away before you could push me. And I am so damn sorry. I have been sorry ever since."

"But Isabella. Brady," she says softly.

"Sure, I loved Isabella. But not like I love you, sweetheart," I insert my finger under her chin and tip her head up so I can see her eyes. "It's always been you, Marlena. Always. I should have been honest so many years ago."

"Why weren't you?" she asks plaintively. "I tried so hard when I first came back. I just wanted you. I wanted my family. And you pushed me away. It hurt so much."

I can't answer for a moment. I can feel her pain and my own echoes it.

"I was scared," I say eventually. "Baby, when I lost you in 86... and in 87, it destroyed me. I don't think you understand just exactly how much I love you. My feelings for you are overwhelming. I thought maybe... I guess when you came back I felt like maybe if I didn't allow myself to feel those feelings again... as intensely as I did when we were together, then I wouldn't hurt so much. Having you meant I could lose you again. Not having you..." I shrug. "It was stupid. Because it never made it any easier. Watching you with Roman. Having you close but not close enough... it's been heaven and hell at the same time."

"But you were happy with Isabella?" she asks quietly.

"Were you happy with Roman?" I ask softly.

There is a long pause as she threads her fingers through the hair on my chest and then brushes her thumb across my nipple. I suck in a breath as it hardens beneath her touch, and I feel my cock twitch against her thigh. It takes so little with her. Such a little moment, just a word or a touch.

"No," she says eventually. "I tried to convince myself I was. But if I'm honest, the whole time, I just missed you. I missed the way you would treat me as an equal. I would miss your smile and your touch. I would miss how you would listen to me and the advice you would give. I missed the way you respected my experience and my expertise. Roman treated me like a possession, like I should bend to his will. He didn't respect me, he wanted to control me. I loved him, but no, I wasn't happy."

"Isabella was the easy choice," I tell her. "She didn't challenge me. I was happy enough, but she wasn't you. And honestly, I think I would have been drawn back to you even if she'd lived. You are... I feel like you are my other half, Marlena. I don't feel complete unless I am with you. How could Isabella have competed with that long-term? In the end, I would have ended up in your arms. I do not doubt that. Like I am now."

"Oh, honey," she reaches up and kisses me softly. "I think we were destined to end up together, whatever happened, whoever came along."

"I'm just sorry anyone else got hurt," I reference Roman.

She doesn't answer and it's a long silence as she lays her head back on my chest.

"Is she really that manipulative?" I ask.

"She helped Stefano take me away from you," she reminds me quietly. "She is evil, John. She's Stefano's daughter. She would do anything to keep you for herself. Anything."