Dedicated to the Debauchery

13: Complicated Convention

Everything had always been complicated, complex, difficult to deal with, to concern yourself with. To be involved in.

You hated it, the complexity but it had a certain appeal that seemed to grow within you, and you allowed yourself to be changed by it. Like a sort of drug you couldn't tear yourself away from.

From the very beginning at the Noahtic you knew exactly what part you would have to play in this whole ordeal. And you had no reason to back out or pretend as if you didn't need it. You needed this as a drug addict needed speed. As an orchestra needs the conductor.

As you needed them.

There was no way in hell you would've taken back your decision, and even now when you knew all of yourself was going down the drain, you didn't fear the outcomes of your future. Because you made it so. You played a part in your own life as much as your parents should've.

And you would make sure that everyone knew, that you were either insane or doing what everyone wished they could do. Wished they could become as insane as you, to lose themselves as much as you and to not fear when their limbs gave way or their minds broke.

You had been learning to embrace it, your truth, and to let it swallow you whole.

You grabbed the steering wheel and  dragged it towards your dreams, even though the storm was not far behind, you never feared. Because you had known you were faster, that you could outrun it, that as close as it was to you, it wouldn't ever be able to reach you.

And just as when you were on the Noahtic threatening a man with his own life, the journey always prevailed to equal results of the preparation. Adrenaline fueled you.

You always knew what you were getting into and you always said yes to the challenge, even if you feared it. Even if it feared you.

Adrenaline Saved you, saved your soul and your mind of absolute boredom.

Saved your bones from the absolutes and your thoughts from the impossible.

You would always find a way.

And the way right now, was to wake up out of your comfortable sleep and continue preparations for objects no one around you knew, only yourself. Making it all the more difficult to speak without alerting anyone of anything.

The night before, you had convinced yourself to stay aware of the events that were happening or would, happen around you. But with the new information and the fact that you had been unable to tear yourself away from your past. It hadn't quite worked out how you had hoped.

Your emotions successfully had gotten in the way of what you were trying to accomplish, they got in the way of your thoughts. Once more, and this time was one of the most dangerous. Not only would Louis know now that they had the chance to try and use this information to their advantage.

You couldn't let them do that again. You were unable to and as much as you wished you could, and equal part of you wished that you couldn't, that you wouldn't.

That you knew better. And you did, but you were doing this for a reason, this sacrifice was not all for nothing, it was all for something, even if that something just happened to not work out the way you intended for it to do so.

You had been vulnerable and in return there was no way that they weren't going to use that to their advantage. Again, you wished you could take it back.

Thinking as you walked back home, you remembered the way from visiting a couple times without them noticing. You had just been lucky enough that you paid attention outside the window and not just inside it like most people.