Shea & War

Chapter 5

My Emotional Desert, Welcome To The War And Shea Show

One Month Later

Shea

For the most part I'm handling everything. Physically I feel completely recovered. I no longer get dizzy, I don't have cramps, I can even handle the lingering sadness of having lost the baby.

The doctor said the miscarriage could have been caused by many different factors, stress, illness, but was most probably because the fetus wasn't healthy. He said a large number of first term pregnancies end in miscarriage. Often the women didn't even know they were pregnant, just thought they were having a heavy or late period.

If I hadn't ended up in the hospital, I would have thought I was having a late and heavy period. I had no idea that I was pregnant. I've had alcohol and coffee the past 2 months. The doctor said that in no way contributed to the miscarriage unless I was drinking huge amounts of either alcohol or coffee, which I wasn't.

So I'm processing the loss, I'm handling it, I'm getting better. What I'm not handling very well is my husband. War is totally off right now, he's pulled away from me emotionally. I mean he's here physically, he's helping take care of me. He was with me the entire time in the hospital. But I feel like he isn't with me. Physically he's present, emotionally he's far and away.

I'm fairly certain he blames himself for the miscarriage. The moment the doctor mentioned stress as a possible cause, I saw in his eyes that he immediately took that as the reason.  He didn't hear reason, the doctor, me, or anyone else, he blamed himself for our loss.

We've all tried to talk to him, tell him that wasn't the cause, but he isn't listening to us. I think he's so angry with himself for the whole Mandi debacle that he's latching on to this as his punishment.  What he's missing though, in that punishing himself, he's also punishing me.  He's my husband, my everything, and he's left me out in the emotional cold while he suffers silently.

He's drinking more, he's spending more time at the clubhouse. I'm feeling him drift away from me more and more every day.  Kind of like when Mandi was trying to get involved with him. I don't think he's with her, I know he hates her, but it's the same feeling I had then. I've smelled pot on his clothes almost every day when he comes home from work. I never really noticed or cared when he smoked before. He didn't do it often, and it never worried me. But ever since his revelations of using drugs with some of the guys, it worries me. Is he using again? Is the pot increasing because he doesn't want to use the other drugs? I mean if he's using more pot and more alcohol, maybe he's going back to the other drugs too?  Where we used to have totally open communication, now we have polite conversation, pretty much zero emotional depth, and that is all because War is closing himself off.

Walking into the club house, I can see it's going to be a wild night, the music is pumping, people are dancing, and I can already see that Hack is getting a BJ from one of the club girls. Hearing War laugh from the bar is like music to my ears, maybe my boy is back and feeling more like himself!

Meeting him at the bar, he's smiling and happy, looks like he's had quite a few drinks, but he's so sweet right now. Kissing me all over, running his hands up and down my body, I'm so ready to get back to us. I'm choosing to overlook the glazed look in his eyes, and concentrate on the physical presence and comfort being in his arms gives me.

Sex has always been a super strong part of our life. I was a virgin when we got together, obviously War wasn't. But we experimented, he taught me things, hell, I taught him things. We just had fun, we have fun with sex. Between his experience, books, and girlfriends sharing good information, we're strong on the sex front.