Shea & War

Chapter 9

Moving On

3 months after the accident

Shea

Well I'm not sure what the hell I did in a past life to earn the amount of pain I've gotten in the past few years, but I'm freaking over and done with it.  I'm ready for enlightenment, contentment, and a couple of weeks on a tropical beach with white sand, warm water and cocktails, probably won't happen anytime soon, but let's just say I'm manifesting.

Losing my brothers, Kay and Suze, has been tough, but watching and trying to raise their children without their parents has been catastrophically painful.  I thought I knew pain before, I had crappy parents, and an asshole husband who bailed when it got too tough for him.

My four kids have been emotionally eviscerated. Normally when a child loses a parent they have the other parent, or aunts and uncles to turn to. But no, my guys lost all of their emotional anchors, they're just left with me, the weakest of all the adults in their lives.  Lucky for them, I love them harder than any one in the world can, so they get that along with someone who will NEVER bail on them when it gets tough.

But we're doing this, together. The kids and I are a team, the club is backing us 100 percent, and my friends and co workers are also in the trenches with us.  The boys are 16 and 14 and their dad would be so proud of the men they are acting like. They're helping me with the girls, heck, they're helping me with everything. They voluntarily moved out of their house, and into Jax and Suze house, so the girls could remain in their bedrooms. Rock said it was more important because they're younger, and they're girls. He was being so sweet that I opted not to tell him girls are strong too, just like boys also have feelings, but that's a different lesson for another day.  Rock drives Teller to school everyday and brings him home after practice. I take the girls to school with me, and when they're finished they come over to my classroom then we drive home together. At home we make dinner, do chores, and try to keep the family home life going.

It's hard, I won't sugar coat it and pretend it's all daisies, rainbows and unicorns, but we're surviving. At times we're even laughing, and enjoying life. Then we will get a wave of memory, loss and pain, but together, we're a team and we'll pull through, we will win.

With all of this, my new life, I've decided I have to let go of the memories and hopes of my old life. I'm doing what War said to do, I'm moving on. I'm sure he probably already has, I just don't have it in me to think about it, or even care what he's doing or where he is.

When I married him, I believed in my vows, sickness and health, good times and bad, but it seems I was the only one who took those vows to heart.  We had the bad times, relatively short bad times when you consider the length of our relationship, but those bad times broke us.  Not Mandi and her games, not the drugs, not the secrets, not even War fucking Mandi.  What broke us was War.  Times got hard, and then War was gone.  I trusted that the man was a true partner, I was wrong.  I believed in him, and in us, I tried and I waited, until I was done.  

And I am done.

I texted and called him the day I got out of the hospital. I left a message on his phone about the accident and when the funeral was. And because I don't know if he listens to my messages, I texted him the information as well.

Me: War, there was a horrible accident. Both my brothers, Kay and Suze died. I'm now in charge of the kids. The club is having the funeral on Wednesday, I know you loved my family, and they loved you. I hope you can make it back to say good-bye to them. The kids and I need you, please come home.

That was it, no response. He didn't call, he didn't text, he didn't show up to the funeral. He no showed, ghosted his family. For me, that was it. To be perverse, his not showing up to the funeral was the final nail in the coffin of his existence to me.

We're over, I'm done. I guess we were done when he left, it just took me a couple of years and a world of heartbreak to realize it.  Whatever, it doesn't matter how long it took me to accept it, I'm not ashamed that I waited and thought our love was big enough to overcome all obstacles.  It turns out I was wrong, we had a small love, not big or strong and very easily broken.

I'm good with the fact I gave him time, I think it was more for me, I needed that time to figure me out, I did, and I'm better now that I'm leaving him behind.

After the kids and I started to find our routine, I asked Dev, Rider and Hack to help me sell my house, the cars, and all the furniture and stuff we owned together. I don't want anything from the life we once shared. It's also time that I start divorce proceedings.

So now I have a check for half the amount of what I sold the house for, a fairly substantial profit. I also have a check in the amount of $100,000. To reimburse him for the $4,000 that was automatically deposited in my account from him every month for the past 2 ½ years that he was gone. His guilt money. I guess it was supposed to make him feel better about ditching me. I don't care, I never used a single penny of that money, and as far as I'm concerned it's his and I don't want to touch one bloody cent. I also have a check in the amount of $47,000 that covers his half of the amount I earned from selling all of the contents of our house, his truck, bikes and my car. I want nothing from him. He took our beautiful love and life and threw it away, he ruined it and ruined us, but he didn't ruin me, I just got stronger.

So, I'd say we're on the same page now,  I finally agree with him, we're done.

My mantra is now, moving on.