Shea & War

Chapter 11

Coming To The Clear Realization That I'm An Asshole Of The Highest Order

War

What the actual fuck?

I turn and walk back in to the clubhouse, sitting at the table, in the same chair Shea sat in, I need to feel close to her, and this is as close as I'm going to get. I hear Rider, Stoner and Hack come back in and stand by Dev.

Looking at the guys, I try to address the elephant in the room.

"What the fucks going on here? Why is Shea busted to hell, where are Rocky and Jax, and why is Rock driving Rockys car? What the fuck am I missing here?"

I shake my head, trying to make sense of the last 30 minutes.

The guys, my brothers, are looking at me with unveiled contempt. Just staring at me with furious eyes.

Finally Dev speaks.

"Did you listen to the phone message that Shea left for you a few months ago? Did you happen to read the text that she sent? Fuck you if you read them and didn't show up. Fuck you if you didn't read them, the reality is either way, you didn't show up. Just fuck you War. Sign the divorce papers, give them to me, take the money and Get. The. Fuck. Out. We're over your selfish shit. We'll take care of Shea and the kids now, just like we have from the moment you left asshole. Go fuck off, run away little man, run the fuck away."

With that pronouncement, he stands up, throws his chair back, and leaves the room. A few seconds later I hear his office door slam shut.

I pull out my phone, smile at the background picture I've had for the past 6 years. A picture of Shea, at her 18th birthday, her head thrown back in laughter. For me, this picture has always been the definitive example of Shea, joy, beauty, grace and love. Pulling up first the voicemail, my stomach drops as I listen to her heartbreak. Then reading the text message, I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

Oh Fuck.

In what fucking world do all those good people die? Leave behind their kids and Shea. Those four people were the best fucking parents I've ever seen. They loved their kids and each other, totally, completely and passionately.

I watched Rocky and Jax raise Shea from the time she was 14 years old, and they'd been doing it since she was 9. I honestly modeled a lot of my best behavior from those two men, they were truly some of the greatest guys I've ever known. I knew that when Shea and I started our family, I was gonna be a dad like Rocky and Jax.

Well that parenting ship fucking sailed. Sailed or I blew it up with dynamite, doesn't matter, my dream of parenthood is over. Only person I'd ever have kids with is Shea, and it's fucking clear as glass that she's over my shit.

Sheas voice on the message she left me was gut wrenching. She sounded broken, telling me how she'd lost her family. I don't think she realized it, but when she left the message, she said "My parents died, they're gone now." She didn't say my brothers and their wives, she called them her parents. My poor fuckin brokenhearted girl.

She said that she and the kids needed me, she begged me to come home to them. She said how much she loved and missed me, that she needed to be a whole person to take care of the kids and she wasn't whole without me.

I hadn't listened to the voicemail.

I didn't read her text.

I didn't show up to the funeral.

No wonder she, the kids and the brothers hate me. Join the fucking club, I've hated me for the past 2 ½ years.

I need to sign these papers, sign over the checks to her, let them all start life fresh, without me dirtying up everything. I look at the divorce papers, I look at the pen. I know I told her to move on, but fuck, I guess I didn't really think it was going to happen. I mean fuck, I sure as hell never moved on. I've lived every second since I've been gone with Shea in my heart and every thought in my loser head.