Shea & War

Chapter 21

He Tells Me He Loves Me, And I Want To Hit Him

Shea

"Shea baby, can you come down here?  I'm in the laundry room."  Wars deep voice carries up the stairs and down the hall where I'm gathering laundry from the upstairs bathrooms.  I do laundry almost every day, how in the world do the kids go through that many clothes?  I mean seriously, between the boys teams and practices, play clothes for the girls, and school clothes, along with towels and washcloths, I'm doing laundry almost constantly!

"Ok, I'll be right down, is there anything in the dryer?"  I'm dragging 2 giant baskets down the stairs as I round the corner, I meet War who grabs both baskets from me.

"What's up?  Is something going on?"  All of a sudden I'm nervous, did the boys get into trouble again?  They're still on lockdown after last months fiasco.

"No, I just want to talk, the kids are all out, and I think it's time we clear the air.  The boys took the girls to lunch and then a movie, so we've got several hours just the two of us.  It's time Shea baby, I know you've been avoiding this, you're nervous, but there's nothing to be nervous about, we just need to put words to all the stuff we've been dancing around.  Ok?"  War finishes loading the first round of laundry, then guides me to the living room.

"I don't want to talk about this, can't we just go forward, start fresh?  Leave the ugly and sad behind us?  I really don't want to go back there War!"  I'm starting to get mad, because I honestly think that we should just leave the past in the past, but I knew he wanted to talk this through, ugh.

"Fine, but, I don't want to, this is all on you War!"  I huff as I sit in the big chair, War pulls an ottoman up next to me, and sits on it, so we're facing each other.

"Baby, we're back together in all ways, except for the sex and the words.  I'm sleeping on the couch every night, I'm doing the car pools and helping with the market shit and all the other crap you did by yourself.  But now you don't have to, I'm here, I want to be your husband, I think you want that too,  we just don't talk about it, I know that you've got some things you want to say, but you gotta say them babe.  We can't pretend that the shit times didn't happen, we gotta move past it.  I love you, let's move forward, ok baby?"  War has my hands clasped between his, and I think I want to hit him.  His stupid placating sweet and sincere voice makes me want to hurt him, why is he making me do this?

"Fine, you want to talk War, then you start, just know that I don't want to do this, I want to just move forward.  Is this because you want to have sex?  Is that why you're making me go through this?  We'll have sex again, you can move into the bedroom, we don't have to rehash everything!"  I can't believe he is doing this, freaking asshole, he just doesn't want to sleep on the couch anymore.

Taking a deep breath, he squeezes my hands and looks into my eyes.  His face is serious and sad, his eyes are full of all the regrets he has that I don't want to think about or talk about anymore

"Baby, you know this isn't about sex, yeah I fucking want to sleep in our bed and love on you every night, but it's more than that and you know it.  I've fuckin loved you forever, but I fucked up and threw a bomb into our lives, then I tore out on my bike to leave you to deal with the fallout by yourself.  I left you at the worst time in your life, you lost your brothers and I failed you again.  I wasn't here to help you or love you, to heal or help you, I just was fucking gone."  His voice is raspy and his eyes are watery, the more emotional he gets, the calmer I become.  I watch him as he lays his soul bare, digging up every hurt and injury he gave me, but I watch, and I start to burn in the iciest of ways.

"I think when I left, I didn't expect to be gone so long, I left, I got my payback, but I stayed gone.  I was embarrassed and ashamed, but more, I was too fuckin scared.  You saw me at my fuckin lowest, just a fucked up asshole who lied to you then abandoned you.  I was afraid if I came back, you'd already be fucked of me.  I was afraid you'd moved on, so I was a little pussy who didn't read texts or listen to messages because I was afraid you or someone else would be telling me it was over.  So as long as I didn't look at the messages, then it couldn't be over.  In my heart and brain, we could never be over.  I learned while I was gone, that without you, I just breathe, I'm nothing and no one.  My life and world are you, I didn't start living till I was back here with you.  You wouldn't talk to me or look at me, the kids hated me, but you looked like you didn't care at all.  I didn't exist for you, I was someone who just took up space in your life, an obstacle you had to walk around.  It fuckin killed me baby, but I'd earned it, I knew that all I deserved was the shadow you cast when you walked around me.  So I tried to do what I could for the boys, it wasn't to try to manipulate you, it was cuz I knew that part of Rocky and Jax that I could share with the boys.  And you let me, you let me talk with them, and I saw you, how they all saw you as the sun that warmed them.  After a while, they trusted me, I just wanted to be around you guys, because you're everything baby.  So I did my best, teaching them about Rocky and Jax, and little by little, they let me in, first the boys, then our girls.  But you kept me out, even when I started having dinner with you guys, I was still outside your heart.  I watched you live and thrive, you loved the kids and you were a family, I watched you go on dates and that fucking sucked.  But it was my fault that I was on the outside, it was my fault you had to see other guys, I did that to us, so I accepted it, because I fuckin earned it.  Fuck me, I did that to us and it fucking hurt."  His voice is raspy, and he rubs his hands through his hair, settling his elbows on this thighs, resting his head in his hands.