Shea & War

Chapter 13

Time To Man The Fuck Up Or Fuck The Hell Off

War

Exile hurts, it's fuckin lonely as hell. But I alone put myself in this position almost 3 years ago, so it's not gonna be solved in 6 months, or even ever, and it only gets fixed by me.   I did the crime, and I'm doing my time, I'm in solitary and it's lonely and fucking frustrating as fuck, but we all gotta grow up sometime, even assholes like me.

I've had a shit ton of time to think back on the shitty choices and decisions I've made in the past.  I'm really trying to go back a long way, make myself 'accountable'  for the shit things that I've experienced.  Since I was in my teens, I've been able to throw off a lot of my shitty choices on my fucked up childhood, foster care, that same old shit.  But I'm really seeing now that yeah, my childhood, it sucked, but the choices I made were based on me, not the fucked up circumstances of my childhood.  There comes a time when you can't blame the past for the current shittastic choices we make in our adult lives.

I had an awesome life, an amazing wife, great friends, a real and true fucking family.  I threw it away because I was a whiney little shit, felt bad for myself, sorry that I had shit beginnings, whining because the mean old bitch ruined my marriage.  Spoiler alert, the bitch didn't ruin anything, she tested  us, Shea saw what she was, called her out and shared the info with me, Shea passed the test and I failed.  Lesson fucking learned, perhaps I learned it too late, but fuck if I'll ever forget the lesson.

Since I've been back, I've been working back at the garage, doing all the shit jobs with the prospects, never complaining, just showing up and being here.  Even though I'm the outcast right now, it feels right to be back at the club, helping around where help is needed.  I've also been doing a lot of work at the club house, while I was gone they built and expanded, so now I'm trying to contribute by doing some of the finishing work.  

It's kind of surreal, while I was gone, I was focused on revenge and hatred, blaming the bitch for every problem I've ever had, along with every rainy day and earthquake.  Not her fault, it was mine, but it was easier to blame someone else.  But while I was riding on my extended pity party, everything, everyone here, was living and moving on.  New buildings were erected, old ones torn down, cars sold, new bikes purchased, new club members, and some old club members, my brothers are gone now.  Some of the best people I've ever known are gone forever, and the last memories I have of them are fucking gut wrenching.

My life was pretty much at a stand still, but all these people I love, their lives kept moving on.  In some instances I don't really even recognize who they are anymore.  My best friends, they've lived years of lives that I haven't been a part of, made memories I have no clue about.  It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm just kind of awed at the world I abandoned, and how it moved forward, while I stagnated and rotted in place.

But now, fucking now, I move forward, trying to right my wrongs, fix the breaks I made in the relationships I treasure and move myself into the future.  I don't expect any kind of forgiveness, because I fucking abandoned my loved ones, I don't deserve forgiveness, I'm just hoping that they'll agree to let me move forward in their worlds.  And I'm gonna do that by being 'accountable', 'present', 'open' and 'honest', all the things that the therapist Dev made me go to is constantly spouting.  So, I listen to my therapist, I listen to Dev, and when the other guys talk to me, I fucking treasure the words they give me.  Because, the words I get from them are far and few between, and though they're usually pretty fuckin brutal, they are a conversation, and they are a start to finding a new path.

I've kept to myself mostly, living in the new part of the club, I've met some of the new brothers, they were all aware of me, and so they were pretty fucking wary of opening a door, they know about my fuck ups, and they also know the other guys are pretty fucking pissed at me.  Some of them have opened up a bit, but mostly they follow the examples that the older brothers show.  When Ryder sat down one morning and talked to me, I mean really laid in to me, about how much I hurt Shea, and how that in turn hurt everyone else.  I mean, I knew that happened, but he put it out there, showed me how not only had I hurt them by abandoning them, but how it made them question whether I had really been their brother at all.

That fucking gutted me, and that was probably the biggest wake up call I've gotten.  He put it all out there, how I'd treated their princess like shit, so all they saw in me now was shit.  Fair enough, good point.  I told him the truth, 'You're right man, in everything you're saying, I'm an asshole who hurt the best person I know.  But I'm also the asshole who loves her more than anyone in the world ever could love her.  I'll protect her and take care of her, even though she can barely stand being in the same room as me, I'll do right by her now.  I fucked up, I'd give anything to change the past, but I can't.  So I'm gonna devote the future to making her and the kids life as smooth and easy as I can.  Not because I owe her, but because she's fuckin everything in my world.'.

Ryder laughed in a sick and twisted way, with the facial expression I've only seen on him when he was doing some twisted shit.

"Good luck with that man, our girl thinks nothing of you, doesn't talk about you, doesn't acknowledge that you even live in the same city she does.  But fine, beat yourself up, keep trying and hoping, it'll be a good fuckin show for the rest of us to watch you keep slipping in shit."  Shaking his head, he laughed as he walked out the door, pausing before he shut the door behind him, he stared out at the night sky and gave me some home truths I already knew.

"If you say all this, and work at getting back to her, and I sure as fuck don't think she'll ever let you back.  But if by some miracle, you get back in her heart, and then you decide to fuck off again, buddy, I'll fucking annihilate you.  I'll give you pain for months, keep you living just to continue torturing you, I will never let you hurt her again and live.  Brother, former brother, friend or fucking whatever, you will not survive ever hurting her."  With that, he disappears into the black night sky.  I didn't get a chance to tell him, but if I ever hurt her, I'll willingly turn myself over to them, I couldn't fucking live with myself if I ever did that again.