𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬

CHAPTER 34

05 January 2017

During a highly emotionally vulnerable state, people tend to do what they have always wanted to do, but have repressed, afraid of the consequences. Worried about what people might think of them. It's almost like a drunken state. When they come to their senses, they struggle to face the reality of what they have done. Haider had never bothered to talk with me until two months ago. Which raised the question: Why did he confide in me? Was I someone he had wanted for a long time and I wasn't aware of it?

I stared at the wall. Part of me understood him now. Why he had glanced away from me the first time our eyes had met and why he had avoided talking with me since then. Simply, because he was dealing with his trauma and had wanted to retreat, and cut all ties with people. He wanted to punish himself for his brother's death. And he believed, that not making any friends, and not staying truly happy, was the only way of doing it.

I wished I could say to him how wrong he was. His brother would never be happy to see him suffer. And I would find a way to make him realize that. Given that, I would be able to confront him after our near kiss. The image of us, back together on that old airport road popped up, and the entire night, I tossed and turned, wondering about my feelings about Haider. There was no way I would be able to sleep.

What have you done to me, Haider?

I wished, that if he had been a little less mysterious, less emotional, less caring, and less vulnerable, then it would have been easier for me to walk away from this potential mess. But he was not. He was very much unique, and the fact that he had chosen me to confide his secrets in, made this all the more complicated.

I wasn't sure, what I wanted from him anymore.

At first, it was so simple, where I'd just a simple wish to talk to him, right from the first day our eyes met. When my wish was fulfilled two months back, I wanted to be his friend. It was fine until then, but when he made the bold move of almost kissing me, everything else seemed to be a blur.

I no longer wanted to be his friend.

Rather, I craved his touch.

Was it normal for me to feel anything for Haider? Wasn't I supposed to drown in my guilt forever, over my useless life? The fact that Haider's tears made me more bothered than my pain, terrified me.

I'd never felt this way for anyone.

Not even my exes were able to inflict such emotions on me. I had always kept my boundaries but Haider made me want to blast all my walls and fling myself upon him. Yet, if I did that I would be giving him the power to break my heart.

Only two months back, I had broken up with Jai. It wasn't enough time to get over someone as per my standards. People would label me as a slut, if they got to know, I was already planning to latch onto another guy. They would think I deserved to be cheated. Because what difference would there be between Jai, and me? He loved to whore out with others, and I was doing the same thing. We both were alike.

I didn't want to be this way.

Plopping down on the bed, my eyes skimmed over the various books and movies. They all portrayed that every girl had a best friend with whom they could share every detail of their life. It seemed so easy to speak out your problems to them. Maybe it was, for others. Not for me. I had two best friends, Livi and Luce. They would always make me laugh, and feel wanted. Yet, sharing the choices I have made, with them, felt revolting. It might be because I didn't want to make my life, gossip. Rather, I wanted someone to hear it as a story and cherish it in their memory.

Still, I wished to be the carefree girl, who could happily share her problems, and seek validation from others, whether she did the right thing or not. Maybe, someday I would be able to. There was nothing wrong in hoping.