𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬

CHAPTER 35

07 January 2017

Have you ever felt that your new year was going to be a disaster?

It was exactly what I felt right now. On the thirty-first night, when the countdown began on the television and finally, the clock struck twelve, I clasped my hands, closed my eyes, knelt and prayed to God, to give me the strength to be strong and help me in finding some happiness. I hoped my prayers would be heard this time. So, with a positive enthusiasm, I welcomed this year.

Not only a week later, I'd become so devastated that, I doubted if this year could make me happy. This time, it wasn't anyone's fault though. The fault was all mine. Despite knowing, not to get too attached, I'd allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable. And the moment my shields were down, my heart was under attack.

When would I stop, being soft with others?

I wished there would be a button inside me to turn off my humanity, then I wouldn't have been so affected by Haider. I wondered, how life would be if I wasn't able to feel anything. Would it be better than this one? It definitely, would be.

Playing games kept my mind from wandering. It was an effective method of staying numb to my surroundings. Soon, the five lives in the game went out, and I used an old trick of opening the calendar to refill it. While changing the dates, my eyes paused over the current date. It was three days.

Three days since Haider had opened up to me, and revealed that he thought his brother died because of him. And his hands still shook slightly, because of the effects of that poison.

"It was like— a blackout."

"You're saying you weren't in your senses?"

"Why is it bothering you so much? I should be one who should be embarrassed to throw myself at you. You should be glad that you never have to know what it feels like to lose a loved one. And worse, when you're the reason they died."

His words echoed, from two days ago. When I'd wanted to console him, he had simply accused me that I didn't understand his feelings. Not only that, but he also stated I had never experienced any loved one's death, to understand what he was going through.

To this day, his words still, managed to inflict pain on me.

Even though I had tried to play games repeatedly, help Mom in cooking, wash my clothes, go out with Dad for grocery shopping, and read motivational books, nothing seemed to be able to distract me. Haider was all I could think about. And facing him in college, by acting all brave and confident, wasn't possible for me. It felt like he would see right through my facade. So, I did the only thing I was good at doing.

I chose to hide.

It wasn't difficult to convince my parents about why I couldn't go to college. They believed me when I said, classes were suspended because of the rainy season. It was somewhat true for other colleges though, the roads got flooded during this time, and that was the reason, the classes were cancelled. Sadly, that wasn't the case for me. Our college's drainage system was well-built which meant there was no chance for water blockage, but my parents didn't need to know that.

The lies were believable when they were dipped in truth, and it was the reason my parents were fooled by me.

I was getting better at manipulating.

An unknown caller ID blinked on my phone screen, and I cursed inwardly at the person for disturbing me. Why couldn't I be left in peace? Normally, I would have straight away hit the block button, but I couldn't do it today because this was my new phone. Even though this was a touch screen, Dad had gifted me on my birthday, yesterday, I wasn't in a mood to do the initial setup.