The Journey Towards Yourself

Chapter 13

One second he was here, one second he wasn't. Is he some sort of ghost? Highly unlikely but I can't rule anything out because this is America and in America anything can happen. At least that's what my teachers told me.

Dr. Lorraine huffed in annoyance, "Gwen I don't have all day."

I walked down the hallway back to her room still full of confusion.

"Wipe that look off your before I get my yellow pad out," she winked at me. That little- she knows how much the yellow pad annoys me.

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"-and that concludes this session."

Finally. FINALLY.

An hour long session of nothing but talking about myself sure takes a lot out of me even though I didn't say much.

"Ok, I left you a little time so you can go hang out with your little boyfriend?" What?

"What boyfriend?"

She looks at me amused, "Honey, please. I am paid to observe. You don't think I haven't noticed you sneaking out of this room to get 'some air' or 'to go to the bathroom', plus his therapist has talked with me about him leaving too, so I added 2 and 2 together."

I took this woman for granted. She smart I give her that, but she's wrong.

"Derrick isn't my boyfriend."

Dr. Lorraine raised an eyebrow, "oh really? Then you must have feelings for him, don't you?"

What is this? Middle school gossip circle?

Well it's better then talking about everything else going on.

"I mean, maybe. Kind of. He's just- I don't know.  He's the nicest guy I've ever met I guess."

Did I really just say that? Wow, I'm turning into a love struck whimp. Cancel the love struck part. I'm just a whimp. A 100 pound whimp.

"Want some advice?"

I laughed, "well that's what you're here for, aren't you?"

She motions for me to enter her room and I willingly do.  "Okay now tell me everything."

I look at her and her excitement is through the roof.  She looks like a little kid about to be given candy.  I giggle at the sight.  She looks like a real person here instead of a strict therapist.

"What do you want to know?"

She smirks a little and says, "Gwen, do you know how to tell if a boy likes you?"

I shake my head and avoid eye contact.  No boy has ever liked me.  I was either to fat or to skinny for their liking.  They usually went for the girls with the big boobs or the ones who would put out on the first date.  I wasn't one of those people.

"Does Derrick's eyes light up when you talk to him?"  I think back to when he talked to me about his family and when I talked to him about mine.  His eyes were dark and gloomy when he talked about his dad, but when I talked about my life and everything he always seemed to be intrigued and was always listening to me.

I shrug my shoulders, afraid to stutter if I answered verbally.  Dr. Lorraine came over and sat by me on the couch.

"You know, some say that it is proven that if the pupils in someone's eyes get larger when they look at you, that means they have feelings."

I can't do that.  I can't look into anyone's eyes without feeling anxious and nervous.  It makes me uncomfortable.  If I look into Derrick's eyes I will probably end up embarrassing myself.

Acknowledging my discomfort with the idea of looking into someone's eyes, Dr. Lorraine put a hand on my shoulder.  "It's okay to feel nervous with someone.  It's natural!"

Natural?  Is it natural to have a constant fear of what people think of you.  To be constantly ridiculed for the way they look.  My confidence has been thrown under the bus so much that it has stretched thinner than a piece of paper.

"Go talk to him before his session is up, ok?  I already talked with his therapist and he is letting him out early too."

I pushed myself off the couch and pulled my sweatshirt sleeves down so my hands were covered.

"Wait, wait!"  Dr. Lorraine shrieked before I was out of the door.  She shuffled over to her desk where her purse was at and hurriedly went through it.  Few seconds went by but she finally pulled out a little tube of something.

"Come 'ere Gwen."  I walked across the room confused at what she had in her hand.  Soon I realized it was just light pink lip gloss.  She opened the tube and walked over to me so she was a few inches away.  She was so close I could smell her perfume, which smelled quite expensive.  She applied a thin layer on my lip and patted my back while saying, "Oh young love."

I walked out of the room, and even though it's just a little gloss on my lip I felt a little bit better about myself then I did before.