COMING OF AGE | Nishimura Riki

027 | the healthy option

nishimura riki 
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If I was born "normal", what would my life look like right now?

What would my personality be like? What would be my interests? What type of style would I wear? Who would my friends be? What relationship would I have with my parents?

I used to dream about waking up as someone else, which led me to have another reason to feel disappointed when I woke up every morning. Just for one day, I wanted to be someone else and escape the nightmare that was my daily life.

A little kid isn't supposed to think like that. No one should think like that, especially a little child who has their whole life in front of them.

When you are in these moments, life feels like nothing but a punishment. You keep trying your best to make it right, but you keep getting the punishment. Over and over again.

"What's wrong?" Mai suddenly asked me.

She is looking at me with pity in her eyes. She is worried about me. Whenever I look at Mai, I can't help but look at her with the same pity eyes.

You might think telling her I'm the Crown Prince is not a big deal. But you are probably thinking that because you are not in my position. You don't know what it feels like to be me.

"I'm sorry" I say with a slight smile as I take her hand.

I'm sorry for making you worried.
I'm sorry for not telling you the truth.

"Everything is fine. I just zoned out" I added.

Mai opened her mouth to say something but got interrupted by my vibrating phone. I took out my phone, seeing His Majesty's name on the screen.

I quickly hide my phone in my pocket again, pretending someone is not calling me right now.

"You should answer if it's important" Mai said.

I wonder if Mai saw the caller ID. What if she has already figured out I'm the Crown Prince and is waiting for me to say it? Just like I have done.

I already knew Mai's Dad was in prison, but I wanted her to tell me that herself. In case Mai already knows about my position, I can't blame her for not telling me since I have done the same.

"You are more important" I replied with a smile.

We are sitting on the hill again. It's mid-day and a lot of people are running around town. During hours like this, Mai and I only have two options for a hangout place. It's either the warehouse or the Minato Ward Hill.

A part of me likes the sneaking around and the adrenaline that runs through my body when we are about to get caught. But the other and bigger part of me wishes we didn't have to sneak around.

My biggest fear is causing a misunderstanding. I don't want Mai to think the reason why we are hiding and sneaking around is because of her. Because it's not because of her, it's all because of me.

If I was born "normal", we could have been "normal". Instead, I'm forcing Mai into this while she thinks she is the one forcing me into this. I want to stand up and scream out to the world that I like Mai. But that's easier said than done.

"Mai?" I said.

"Thank you for being patient with me" I replied.

Mai smiled through the confusion. In her eyes, that sentence came out of nowhere. But if Mai could read my mind, she would understand.

My phone started to vibrate again. I let out a sigh and ignored it, pretending it didn't exist.

"You should answer" Mai said.

I decided to listen to her. I took out my phone the same second it stopped ringing. Both His and Her Majesty have left hundreds of messages, ordering me to come to the castle immediately.

Thousands of thoughts are passing through my mind at once. What is going on? What has happened? Are we in a crisis? Is something dangerous about to happen?

"Are you okay?" Mai asked me while looking at me with her pitiful eyes again.

Does avoiding the truth count as lying? If it does, then I'm lying to every single person who is around me. No one knows the real me and what is going on in my life.

If I was born "normal", I wouldn't have to lie this much. I could be honest with everyone without it being weird. No one would try to convince me I'm going through a phase.

I wrapped my arms around Mai's waist and pressed my face onto her shoulder. Suddenly, all emotions are hitting me. I'm feeling confused, scared, ashamed, gloomy, embarrassed, and safe.

Is keeping everything to yourself a healthy option? It does feel like a healthy option because it doesn't hurt anyone, but it hurts me.

"Thank you for being patient with me" I said as I slowly removed my arms from Mai's waist.

"You don't have to be worried. It's a family situation going on, but it's nothing to be worried about" I explained.

"Are you sure?" Mai asked.

"I'm sure" I answered.

I gave her a peek on the cheek before I left. I feel bad, leaving Mai there all alone and confused. I didn't even give her a proper goodbye, I just left.

However, it means I have someone in my life who makes saying goodbye so hard.