COMING OF AGE | Nishimura Riki

030 | honest feelings

nishimura riki 
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Somehow, it feels like I have been lied to. It feels like every single person I know has gathered up together behind my back to plan and perform a prank on me. I feel like the elephant in the room and that one idiot who doesn't understand people are fooling him.

I know no one is joking around, I know for sure His Majesty isn't joking around right now. But I can't help but feel so dumb and stupid. His Majesty spent all yesterday's power to scream at me which means I have done something wrong. However, I don't see it as a big problem like His Majesty.

I noticed in the corner of my eyes my bedroom door slowly opened. I looked up and saw Her Majesty walking in with a tray in her hands. She placed it on the bedside table and then sat down on the edge of the bed beside me.

"Tea?" Her Majesty asked as she handed me a cup.

I nodded as I took it. Her Majesty took the other cup and the two of us sat in silence for a few seconds, just taking the first sips of the tea while enjoying the other's presence.

"So, Mai was my childhood friend, and her Dad was the servant we had to hire because he was unreliable and a threat to our family?" I asked.

Her Majesty didn't reply, but since the tension in the air rose, I understood the answer was yes.

"Why didn't you tell me my childhood friend is Sato Mateo's daughter? He is not a stranger to me so why did you address him as one?" I asked.

"His Majesty and I want to move on from the past and focus on the present only. We don't want to dig up the past by having a conversation about it" Her Majesty explained.

"When you were young, we made sure his name was printed inside your head. But once you reach your teenage years, we realize there is no point in continuing to dig up the past since you had nothing to do with it" She added.

"Was Sato Mateo really that wicked? Based on the few memories I have of him, I don't recall him as a villain" I said.

"You never saw those sides of him. Countless times I caught him stealing jewelry, both my personal and also the jewelry on our crowns" Her Majesty replied.

"He always asked for a tip or salary increase. He started to beg for it at one point while using his I'm-so-poor and my-wife-is-sick card" She added.

My mind started to travel back to one conversation I had had with Mai. One conversation we had the first time we visited Minato Hill. Mai asked me if I knew the Crown Prince and revealed she would like to meet him.

How would things change if Mai knew I was the Crown Prince when we first met? I have a feeling that things would be different, I believe Mai would rather die than be my friend.

However, if I knew Mai was Sato Mateo's daughter, I would still be as attached to her as I am right now.

"And the other servants thought we were favoring him since we let him bring his daughter to work. Little did they know we wanted to fire him for years but couldn't due to the lack of servants" Her Majesty said with a chuckle.

I can't hear stories about Sato Mateo like I used to. After hearing a second version of a story, the first version doesn't sound right. Whenever I heard His and Her Majesty talk about him, I believed in them and their version.

But there are two sides of a coin and two sides of a story. I still haven't heard Mai's side of the story. But I am closer to her than to my parents. To me, she is more trustworthy than my parents.

"May I ask you something? Do you like Mai?" Her Majesty asked.

"I like Mai" I answer without a doubt.

Her Majesty looked at me into my eyes as she grabbed my hand. Is she about to convince me to break contact with Mai? Or try to convince me my emotions are a phase and they are caused and controlled by puberty.

"I want you to know, it's okay to feel this way, there is nothing wrong with experiencing human emotions, okay?" Her Majesty.

Before she had a chance to continue, I removed her hand and stood up to walk away. I didn't go anywhere though. I was just standing there with my back against Her Majesty. I want to leave the room but I have no idea where I'm supposed to go.

"I would like to be alone" I said.

"But we have to talk about this" Her Majesty replied as she grabbed my hand to make me sit down again.

"It's enough for today" I responded.

Her Majesty listened to me and let go of my hand and left my bedroom. After she closed the door, my knees fell onto the floor while my eyes kept staring at the wall in front of me.

The plain white wall represents my mind. My mind is usually busy dealing with thousands of thoughts at the same time, but not now. It's empty like someone did a deep cleaning inside of it.

It's been a while since I have felt this empty. I have had an empty feeling inside of me until I met Mai, meaning I have it for a very long time. Still, having it back feels weird since I'm not used to it anymore.

I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of playing along to make the people around me satisfied. My feelings are always put aside because they don't matter or are unimportant. My feelings are not real, they are always a phase and will go over soon.

Either of the feelings I have had for the past years has been a phase. The feelings I have inside of me exist for a reason and that is to express it.

His Majesty is going to scream at me until he loses his voice. But I allow him to scream at me as much as he wants. If him screaming at me is the only way for me to meet Mai, it's all okay for me.