Not Who You Say You Are

Chapter Eleven

Vernon's room stands still. There is not a sound, not a breath, not a creak. The room is as still as he is. Vernon lays in the bed, mouth slightly wider than normal, with his eyes closed. I don't know if he died like that or if Maggie had to close them when she found him. There's a lot I don't know about death, I'm just now realising. I have no idea if you die with your eyes open, or if you close them like you're falling into a deep sleep. I heard that when you die, your bowels relax and you end up shitting everywhere. I don't smell anything, so I think that might be something we told each other when we were kids to freak each other out.

I don't even know if Maggie was the one to find him. I just assumed she did, seeing as her room is right next door and she's usually with him, but there were a lot of people that could have. Wade, Dana, John, and Emerald were all home. Any one of them could have found him, which is awful. 

I look toward my mother, who has tears flooding down her cheeks. It's a complicated feeling I have about his death. Although I am sad, I'm not as sad as I think I should be. He deserted us ten years ago. I thought it was good he tried to reconnect but I'm not even sure he's the one who invited us back. Even when I did know him, he was never very welcoming or warm, so I never really formed a connection. And you can't grieve something you never had. However, Mom had it. Mom loved Vernon, and he loved her. According to Wade, mom was 'Perfect Little Faye'. She took it so hard when Vernon stopped contacting us. He was her dad and now, when she thinks everything is getting back to normal and her dad wants to see her again, he winds up dead. 

Mom slowly kneels beside Vernon's bed and holds his hand as she silently sobs. Ruby joins her, looking equally as sorrowful. Wade and Otis on the other hand stay standing, emotionless. Well, that's not entirely true. Otis looks upset but his eyes are dry, and Wade's face is stoic. I guess we all show grief in different ways.

Maggie looks just as shocked as anybody. I knew he was old, but I didn't realise he was on the brink of death old. I assumed she would have though, but from the looks of it, this was unexpected. Eventually, Maggie quietly tells us to wait outside while she calls the mainland to send a doctor.

"Aren't you a doctor?", Wade asks.

"No", she says, lacking her usual bite. "I'm a caretaker".

Mom and Ruby take a little more convincing to leave the room, but they reluctantly agree when Maggie tells them it will only take a few minutes. The entire family walks through the bookshelf hall and down the grand staircase in haunting silence. I used to pray for silence in this family but I didn't mean this. This is cold and isolating. Everybody arguing is terrible but at least there is a way out of it. You can disengage. But this doesn't go away. You can't disengage from this. We have hit a wall that we have to face head-on. And it's really fucking depressing.

I look for Emerald, wondering how she's handling everything. She looks upset. I want to believe it's because Vernon died, but because it's Emerald, I think the worst. She didn't know him. I bet she's more upset he ruined her birthday and Christmas because he just had to die.

The silence in the crowded foyer is far more unbearable than the silence from being alone upstairs. It's suffocating. A silence that could end but doesn't. I don't know what to say. There is nothing to say. There is nothing I can say to my mother to stop her hurting. This is how it's going to be for a while and I hate it. We stand in this painful silence for what seems like three hours, but in reality is probably fifteen minutes, until we hear footsteps upstairs and Maggie appears at the top of the stairs. She is looking at her phone, slightly confused as she walks down to us.