Tainted Opal - Kaz Brekker x Reader

13 - Soft Scars to the Touch

I finally walked out of the steamy bathroom after I cleaned away the constricting feelings that clouded my mind.

Clouded my judgement. I let my self become vulnerable; defenseless, with the Bastard of the Barrel none the less. The most dangerous man in Ketterdam. I'm an idiot, I thought to myself as I entered the stunning bedroom. My eyes traced over the ornate adorations once again. I told myself I was admiring the meticulous attention to detail, but I knew I was looking for Kaz. As if he was somehow hiding in the drawn foliage of the wallpaper. It was better than thinking that he had left.

The boy was gone. Though this didn't really surprise me. Things were beginning to feel foggy. I think I was trying to forget about the moment already.

I shook off my thoughts before they consumed me, dressing myself into a nightgown and soft socks. I hoped the comfortable sensation would ease me, but it was futile.

Why do I feel so uncomfortable, so anxious?

Why do I care what he thinks?

As I flopped onto the comforter, I felt as if I was sinking. I hoped, just a bit, that the plush fabrics would meld with my flesh and consume me. Better it than my thoughts.

My eyes fluttered shut and my body went limp, my breath slowed until I let sleep become my companion for the night. But I knew they'd leave before morning, like the other lovers before.

✵ ♣ ✵

"Y/n," a raspy voice called near my ear. I shot up in fear- my right hand clutching the intruder's throat while my left covered their mouth. It had become a habit. Ketterdam is dangerous, you never know if a handsome killer in gloves may wake you up in the middle of the night.

My wide eyes darted to the dark figure, who froze in place, they almost seemed to have stop breathing.

"Kaz...?"

Realization washed over me, while heat bloomed on my cheeks like roses in spring. I tore my hands away from him. He began to recoil, his sickly features only looking more prominent.

Kaz, looking even more pale in the moonlight, awkwardly turned away from me slightly, as he stood near the bed. I tried to say sorry, I tried to apologize- but bile rose in my throat. I assumed Kaz only felt infinitely worse.

"Are you oka-?" I managed to choke out before my voice died out like any dignity I had before. All my arrogance was gone, all I was left with was a crippling fear. An anxiety; I didn't want to hurt him.

"I should be asking you that," Kaz said with a slight shudder. He still stood rigidly, gripping his cane with two gloves hands.

I hadn't cared if I hurt someone else in a long time-

And I hadn't cared if another person hurt me, until now.

"You left...."

Kaz turned his head to look out the window, the moon casting an ethereal glow over his sharp features. "I was— scared." His voice was quieter, like a thin branch scratching against a window.

"Do I scare you?" I tried to sound humorous, but I was pretty sure it just came out as desperate.

"It's how I feel about you that scares me-"

"That's cheesy," I snort, light twinkling in my eyes. Kaz's mouth ghosted a smile, but he sighed. After a moment too long of silence, he walked closer to me, causing the hardwood floors to creak. I turned my attention to Kaz.

I looked up at him with a soft gaze, but his eyes matched my own; deep pools of pain and fear. But I wanted to think there was desire there too. Slowly, he knelt his cane against the bedside nightstand and slipped off his gloves. I shivered slightly as I saw his bare hands again. It still didn't feel normal. I watched attentively as he placed the leather gloves on the nightstand and knelt down towards my lying figure.

My heart sped up as his left hand, pale and scarred, rested on the covers of the bed. His other hand did the same, but this time on the opposing side of my body. He had me trapped, just like in the bathroom. For some reason I was okay with being vulnerable near Kaz.

"What are you doing...?" I whisper, my voice shakes more than I'd liked it to.

"I want...-," Kaz's voice was a distant echo, it felt as if I could not hear him. The world became still. I knew what he wanted- he was still just a man after all. But I also knew what he'd gone through. This had to be his decision.

"You can,"

With my approval, his face inched closer to mine, causing my cheeks to flush. My eyes trailed down his face until my gaze rested on his lips.

Kaz's eyes shut as his lips met mine. It was tense at first, slightly uncomfortable. I felt the scar on his bottom lip on my own, causing me to moan slightly. Kaz smiled into the kiss, and I ran my hand through his dark hair. He groaned, shifting his body weight from his hands to his legs as he climbed on top of my body.

I gasped slightly as he parted from the kiss to lean over my body, his hair was messy and shirt wrinkled. The sight made me dizzy.
As he straddled me, he tucked a hair behind my ear, causing me to shiver.

My thoughts began to race, I want this, but Kaz wouldn't do this- would he?

I closed my eyes as Kaz leaned back down to my body, his lips brushing against my neck sweetly. My eyes fluttered open for a moment to see his bare hands holding my own.

He wouldn't do this,

"You're not real..."

Kaz stopped. His piercing gaze hurt, as if he was stabbing Inej's daggers into my skin. I tried to move away, to figure out the haze I must be in, but Kaz- 'kaz'?- huffed.

"Why don't you just take it when you can get it, whore? Atleast this time you feel something. You're not just trying to steal jewels from me," his voice was a slit in the throat. It was unlike anything he had said before. Kaz was cruel, but this didn't feel right.

"Stop it- you're not real..."

"Really? Does this feel real?" His voice darkened, and so did his gaze as I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to cough violently as bile rose in my throat. I wiped my lips and stared at my hands, my vision blurring. It was blood.

"Kaz!" My voice was shrill as I screamed, tears trickled from my eyes and beads of perspiration clung to my skin. I looked around the room in a rush, fear boiling in my stomach.

I was in the room still, tucked under blankets, but Kaz was not on top of me. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone.

I wasn't sure which felt worse.

I guess my mind was a dark place.

I gave my environment another quick glance, my thoughts began to spill out of my mind like my tears.

Knock knock

The interruption disrupted my panicked stream of thought, my eyes jolting to the door.

"...hello?" My voice was quivering and dry. I cleared my throat as the door knob twisted. As the door creaked, I noticed the leather gloves pushing it open.

"Y/n..?"
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Word count: 1245
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My apologies for the hiatus, life got busy.
Love ya,
Valentine