Draco's Hufflepuff | Emerging

Sixty-Nine: Worthless

A/N: There is an instance of a brief physical assault and self-harm behaviour in this chapter, as well as a lot of self-loathing language, and discussions of feelings of possibly not wanting to live.

**

Tuesday, 25th March, 1997

I was still a complete wreck without Draco. If I wasn't crying my eyes out, I was either asleep, or working myself up so much I threw up. I wasn't sure if my friends were getting fed up with me now, but if they were, they never said anything. They were all being supportive and compassionate.

Madam Pomfrey discharged me from the Hospital Wing late Wednesday evening. I was expecting to get told off, as I was wasting a bed and resources being there, as I wasn't really ill.

However, she sat down next to me, and she spoke to me for a little while. She recounted the times she'd gotten her heart broken and reassured me that it would get better over time.

She told me that heartbreak is one of the worst things we go through, and no one ever seemed to acknowledge the physical toll it took on us, but time really was the best healer in my case. Getting through the initial rawness was going to be tough, and Madam Pomfrey told me I was lucky to have such a good group of friends.

Justin had been asked by Madam Pomfrey to help walk me back to our common room after dinner, even though I didn't touch the tomato soup with bread and butter. As soon as I got back, however, Hannah threw her arms around me and then all the other girls hugged me.

Leanne was now in a proper relationship with Luke, and I only found out because I overheard them talking about it. With a heavy heart, I forced myself to ask about it, and Leanne felt awful, I knew she did, I could tell by her face.

Apparently, she only kept it from me because she didn't want to rub it in my face or anything or hurt my feelings. I was happy for her, I really was, but that didn't stop the bitter resentment and jealousy from creeping in. I tried to put on a brave face, and I reassured her that we were okay, but then I burst into tears once I was alone.

**

I had spent the entire morning being sick and heaving out of pure anxiety and nerves. I hadn't seen Draco since that night in the Astronomy Tower, but I knew he was going to be in classes today, because I heard the Slytherins talking about it.

I could only assume he was still working on this thing for Professor Snape, and that was the reason he was being pulled out our classes.

Why did he choose today to come back to classes? They day we had double Transfiguration, the day we had to sit together for two whole hours. I tried not to think it was a calculated move on his behalf, and it was just a coincidence.

Unless...

Unless that meant he was just as eager to see me as I was him. Was he missing me too?

Loving someone to the extent I loved Draco was dangerous and brutal. I gave him the power and ability to control my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions. My life revolved around him, and he'd just cast me aside like I was nothing, as though I just an old copy of the Daily Prophet. I would do it all again, and again, and again, until I had nothing left. My soul was always his after all.

**

Seeing him for the first time since that night in the Astronomy Tower, and my heart dropped into my stomach. It was as though the ground had been pulled out from underneath my feet, and I was falling and falling, but there was no end in sight.