Draco's Hufflepuff | Emerging

Seventy-Eight: Insufferable Bitch

A/N: Towards the end of this chapter, there are discussions of suicidal ideation and the idea/the very beginning of an attempt (it doesn't go past that, don't worry). Please, be careful when reading it, especially if that is a trigger for you. I completely understand if you felt the need to skip this one! Message me if you need to <3

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Tuesday, 3rd June, 1997

I think I hated the sensation of being irritated more than any other emotion you could have, and for the past few days, that's all I've felt.

Because of my growing annoyance and simmering anger, I had been distancing myself from all my friends too, which probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. If I had to hear them talk about their love lives one more time, I would go crazy.

They all knew about Draco being abhorrent and cruel to me, and whilst they never said it, I could tell they were all pitying me. I knew they were all surprised I was still defending him, too, because I overheard Megan say he didn't deserve it. She's wrong, though. Draco needed to know I still loved him, even if that love was one-sided now.

I was staring down at my Transfiguration textbook, trying not to listen in to all to the conversations going on around me. I was all alone once again. Draco was out doing whatever it was he always was now, and Pansy and Theo were in the library together.

The three seats around me were empty, and it was a physical representation of my stupid, pathetic life. Alone again, with no one and nothing, except the punishing and exquisite pain of loving him mixed with crushing and intense loneliness.

I brought a lot of it myself, I knew I did, because the girls were always trying to include me in their plans, and never failed to ask me whether I was coming down to breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I just couldn't be around them at the moment. Some of it was from jealousy and resentment because they were all loved-up and happy in their relationships. However, I think a lot of it stemmed from the fact I hated the person I was turning into, and I didn't want to infect them with my misery.

They must have been getting annoyed with me now, because even I couldn't stand myself at the moment. I would do anything to be in someone else's skin and mind.

Draco really fucked my head up in more ways than I could have anticipated. He was the sole reason for everything that had gone wrong in my life and making everything go to shit, but I would still take him back in an instant. I would forget about all the harsh words and how he abandoned me, because I would have him again.

The fact of the matter was you could cut me open and all I would bleed was Draco. He was still in everything – my thoughts, my heart, my actions – everything was about him. It always would be.

I tried to imagine loving another person the same way I loved Draco, but I couldn't, because no one on this earth could come close to him. How could anyone compare to Draco? I've loved him for as long as I could remember, and I would continue loving him until the day I died.

His love made you feel important and like you were special. But it also made you feel inferior, because with him, you would always the ugly one, the mediocre one, the stupid one, the lucky one. You wanted him to be comfortable and easy, but earning his love was the hardest thing you could do, and keeping it was simply impossible.

He used to make me feel like there was nothing I couldn't do, but as time slowly went on, I realised that having him by my side was the only time I've ever been strong. I was never going to be brave or impressive ever again, he took that from me, and I gave him the power. I still didn't care, because there was nothing I wouldn't do for him, and there was nothing I wouldn't give to him.