Beyond the dreamgate | A Caspian love story

Chapter 13

WA: Mention of attemed SA
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I was standing in the middle of the bushes where Caspian was just minutes ago. Suddenly I felt something grab my wrist and pull me down on the dirt.

"Hello Love." Caspian had a grin on his face but it quickly wiped away when he was my face. "I am so sorr-."

I jumped into his arms when I saw he was totally fine. My breathing was going at a rapped pace.

He is okay, he is still alive.

I felt his arms circle around my waist a I started to calm down when I heard his heart beat.

"I am so sorry I did that." I heard him whispering in embarrassment.

After I calmed down we started walking to our mats at the rocks. I saw Lucy sitting upright and looking at me. I gave her a slight nod to let her know I was alright.

I feel so embarrassed. I am a 20 year old women and I am afraid of the freaking dark.

"Are you alright." Caspian passed me a cup of water and took a seat next to me. I was debating to tell him the truth about me being scared of the dark, but how would that make me look.

"I am okay." I decided to tell him. I averted my eyes so he wouldn't know I was lying.

"I know you are not telling me the truth." He placed his hand on mine and rubbed his thump over my hand.

I gave in a sign and started my story. Maybe it is good to talk about it other then my therapist.

"Have I ever told you about my brother?"

"Brother?"

I gave in a slight smile at his confusion. "I used to have a brother. He was 2 years younger then me. I was around 15 years old and he was 13 years old when it happened. My parents loved him, saw him as the golden child who could do nothing wrong."

I grabbed a little twig on my side and started to fumble with it with one hand. I wish I was a twig right now.

"He has some mental illness my parents will not tell me what. It made him touch me all day long. At first he would touch my arm and hands. I didn't mind that much, because he needed the physical touch and my parents told me my brother needed the comfort."

"You said Loved?" I gave a slight chuckle at his sharp listening.

"I will get there. It was all innocent at first until I turned 15. He took a great notice at uhm- my bum. He would touch it when I passed him and when we sat on the couch or at the dinner table. It made me very uncomfortable and I started to avoid sitting next to him. I told my parents about it and we had a long talk about it with my brother. He was allowed to touch me, but he had to ask for my consent first. They also told me that he couldn't touch me anymore below the belt."

My mind raced back to the memories of that night. My hands were slightly trembling. I let go of Caspian's hand and started to play again with the twig. I took in a deep breath to calm myself a little bit.

"He followed the rules, but my parents forgot about one thing off my body." I took a look at Caspian and he was looking straight at my face. I knew he knew what part of my body I was talking about and he didn't look at it, which I appreciated.

"There was a power problem of some sort." I saw the confusion in his eyes and I laughed at him. "Its like fire but, okay you know what. It means that everything turns dark." I chuckled at my answer. No one can describe what power is to be honest. At least, not really to Narnians.

"My brother and I were watching tv at the time and there was a heavy storm going on outside. All of the sudden everything turned dark. I heard my brother scream and I felt arms all around me. Hands were groping my body, my uhm- legs and – my upper b-body. He squeezed them very hard and I quickly pushed him off of me. It didn't stop him to jump on me again. R-ripping my thin shirt a-and touching me for his comfort. I called for help and eventually my mother came running downstairs. She ripped my brother off of me and I saw him pulling his hands out to get back to me. I know he has that mental illness and I know he has to learn a lot, but I just didn't feel safe anymore. What would he do if it happens next time, you never know. They say it is because of his mental illness, but now – I am not so sure."

"What happened then?" Caspian asked. He softly grabbed my hands that were done fumbling with the twig. I was now picking at my nails, a very bad habit I picked up. He feels warm and listened to everything with great interest.

"CPS, Child Protection Cervices took him away after my grandpa heard about it. My parents wanted him to stay and learn with them by his side. Completely forgetting about me, but my grandpa told them it wouldn't be safe for me. It will leave a permanent scar for me if it happened again, but that already happened. They got him the help he needed and I didn't see him since. But at that point my parents started to ignore me. I took their child away – in their eyes, their only child."

My heart still hurt every time I talk about it. I was the reason my parents started to neglect me.

"After that I started to have nightmares. Sitting in the dark and feeling hands all around my body, not knowing who or what it was. I still feel the slight touches on my body when I am alone sitting in the dark. Over the years it has gotten better, but the dark still scares me. The feeling that it will happen is still there."

It was silent for a few second. I was to scared to look at Caspian, scared I was overreacting. But when I had the courage to look at him I only saw pity in his eyes.

"That is why I don't love him anymore." My eyes went back to my hand in his. "I don't know what made him touch me inappropriate, but a brother should not touch his sister like that. So they took my brother away and the love I held for him too."

I felt his warm hand on my cheek and moved my head to his. I was looking straight into his dark brown eyes. If I looked closely I saw the bright stars shining in them.

"I am so sorry that happened to you." He rubbed his thump over my cheek. His eyes scanned over my face. "But now you are here, safe and sound. Safe with me by your side."

"I am not overreacting?" I was still doubting myself, every hour and every day.

"No you are not." He moved closer to me so he was a few inches away from me. "I think you are very brave. Not a lot of people can stand up for themselves, because deep down they know nothing will change. But you did it, you made that change."