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A sort of disclaimer for intolerant and butt-hurt lads.
I recognize the time and effort of the writer and their dedication towards their work. I don't intend to insult or mock their work in any way. I intend to give an honest review of how I feel and see the book. My review wouldn't be applicable after they've edited their book, so don't be the dumbass who wages a war about my review being stupid. Contains spoilers.
TITLE: Close Enemies
Author: @ Gryffindoritnb
Title and Cover - {2/10}
The cover depicts a shadow of a man covered with a white chit spelling out the title in a funny font. It is not enough to generate intrigue for the book. I would strongly recommend choosing a bold font, a better cover design and reducing the size of the author's name. The title is direct, but not enough to make me want to consider the book. It can be improved.
Blurb/Summary - {4/10}
The blurb is short and to the point. It delivers on the mystery aspect of the genre. However, I would request a grammar check and believe the book would benefit from a longer blurb that builds up a mystery or a short one that adds more impact. Tragedy is categorical for the genre, and to transcend the barriers that the genre contains, one must go beyond the common. I would suggest zeroing in on what makes this book unique in the mystery it delivers and crafting a blurb around it.
Grammar and Vocabulary - {2/10}
The grammar requires some attention. Within the first couple of paragraphs of the Prologue, I could notice issues with punctuation, tenses and sentence structures. The book might require a couple of rounds of proofreading as it does cause hindrance in reading ahead. The sentence phrasing and word choice need improvement. The vocabulary can be improved.
Flow and Pace of the Story - {3.5/10}
The flow of the story is often interrupted by grammatical issues as well as the choice of weird phrases. The Prologue is flooded with characters with little introduction and it becomes quite difficult to adapt to it as a reader. I would suggest easing on the introductions and making them a little more detailed, to remember the differences in characters. The story can be improved in pace a bit and the removal of weird phrases in sentences and poor word choices will help the flow of the story.
Detail/Description - {3/10}
The focus of the chapter needs to be adequately managed to describe the scene, setting, and protagonist. The narration style can be given more character to sound personal and styled to the protagonist.
Often words, when descriptive are not lending to the story and seem to be taking me out of it.
For instance, in the following paragraph, there is a description of the actions and appearances of characters, which appear very forced.
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Cliffhangers - {4/10}
The cliffhangers need to be placed in a more impactful manner. The prologue contains the first big cliffhanger which is already established in the blurb and from then on, it is very randomly paced.
Originality - {5.5/10}
The story seems to follow the trope of the happy-go-lucky family amid tragedy as darker secrets unveil themselves. I find it can be very gripping as a premise, however currently, it is very slow-paced with no adequate description or engaging writing to keep me reading.
Character Development - {3/10}
The characters are not well established. I might not come out knowing their names or more about them as people after the first two chapters, which is a little disappointing. The narration as it shifts from April to Sarah doesn't change which makes them sound similar to me than distinct characters.
Overall Score: 31/90
Chapter Feedback
Prologue
The prologue introduces characters a mile a minute, with no clear distinctions and insufficient time to adjust to them as a reader. The dialogue is a little broken as it goes from conversational to often stiff. The grammatical errors contribute to this as well. The first half of the chapter seems rather slow, mainly because it fails to deliver on the one thing it is trying to do – build up the characters in the murder mystery. It is the classic happy setting that is established often in murder mysteries, but it could be more engrossing. Perhaps sowing some seeds of conflict early on would help elevate the story as well.
The Prologue should by all means grip you as a reader, but I found it difficult to get through.
I clocked that there were two couples, and the main character was a virgin who likes a guy and they graduated. But the narration could have made it more personal and revealing if it tried. A lot was telling and not enough showing.
The shootout was not descriptive enough and relied on the imagination of the readers. I was not given enough input into the chaos created by the gunshot. I believe the description can be heavily improved. The same can be noticed in the description of characters and their movements which seem abrupt and almost often are found breaking the flow of the story.
For instance, a description of how she felt, how people moved and what she said could dive deeper and create an atmosphere to transport the reader into the scene.
Chapter 1
The chapter starts a year after the tragic death of Sarah's mum. She is missing her and undergoing grief which seems natural. However, what I struggled with was the atmosphere of the scene again. It felt like a performative enactment of grief instead of the gut-wrenching loss of a mother. She seems to have accepted the reality, even when she blames the system. The sudden pregnancy was abrupt and out of the blue. I do think there was a genuine attempt to showcase the bond between the couple however, her repeatedly vocalising it made it look performative again.
She is dealing with a traumatic loss; the story didn't come across as genuine in depicting that. The chapter is way too short, especially after the way-too-long prologue and ends abruptly. I think it should have covered more ground to create some interest in the mystery.
Again, the problem is the story and the pace with which it is moving, along with the lack of description and wandering characters are not enough to deliver on the genre of a murder mystery which is supposed to be hard to put down.
