Basketball player ● cakeツ

✦ thirty four ✦

warning ; self harm/emotional talk ¿
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[hemmings]

self destruction.

One thing I'm good at . . sometimes. Maybe somedays I'll be sad and handle it by crying in the shower. Maybe somedays I'll think of suicide. But maybe I shouldn't.

I sighed, throwing the blade across the room. The first cut hurt and I just couldn't stop after it. I feel as if I shouldn't be doing this. I'm not the type to tear myself apart just by a small blade or a knife. I'm the type to tear myself apart mentally.

I'll think of the most horrible scenarios that make me emotionally damaged and I'll just be torn apart by that, thinking it's true. But it really isn't.

I like being alone. I mean, my parents are never home. I'm usually with people, maybe throw a party once and a while but I really never thought being alone would be a huge advantage; it is.

I can cry out loud. I can scream until my ear drums bleed. I can leave trails of blood on the walls from the small slits that are open in my wrist. But I physically can't bring myself to do anything of those things. I feel like I can't do anything without Calum.

I finally pulled myself up from the white carpet which I hope is stained with dark red blood. I never saw myself doing something like this; self harm. I traveled on my feet to the bathroom, finding myself staring at my reflection in the mirror.

I shook my head in disapproval as I saw the blood drip from my fingertips. I sniffled and grabbed a white towel, wrapping it securely around my wrist. I'm not doing this about Calum, that'd be silly.

Part of it may be about him. I'm in love with that boy and it's hurting. He doesn't love me back. My parents don't love me. No one loves me. Am I worth it? I don't know. I have no one that cares for me.

I have so many questions that aren't answered. I closed my eyes, sliding down the pure white wall that feels icy cold on my bare back. I think about when I made Calum smile.

He was laying in the hospital bed, looking lifeless but still didn't fail to look beautiful. I teased him about his bed hair and he laughed and told me to kiss him. I thought it was cute.

I feel damaged. I feel like crap. I want Calum sitting on my lap whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I miss him. I can't let him see my damage. It may hurt him, I hope it doesn't.

I laughed to myself, it felt like maybe it wasn't necessary . . well it was. The laugh just reminded me of how much if a coward I am.

[hood]

I miss Luke. I feel bad for what I said to him, but I really can't control my mouth sometimes. I want to go see Luke. But he may hate me because I said those mean things to him.

What if he's slacking off to some whore? I don't care, right? Why am I asking myself these questions . . he wouldn't. Maybe I'm just paranoid and have trust issues. Maybe? Of course I do.

I want to call Luke but I also don't want to. We just argued, probably the biggest argument we ever had over nothing really. "I-I want Lukey." I cried. I sniffled, climbing under my blankets but immediately groaned when I heard a knock at the door.

I slowly got up, trying to help myself look presentable. I opened the door to reveal Michael. I gave a small smile, "Calum." He breathed, entering my home. "What are y-you doing h-here?" I asked, leading him to my room. "They said you weren't at the hospital when I went back, I got panicked I guess." He was pacing back and forth.

I gulped, "Y-Yeah." I began to nod. "Uh- well . . Sorry, I'll um, go." He was going to leave, but I stopped him. I felt alone and I needed someone in this time of mixed emotions that are running through my brain.

"S-Stay with m-me?" It was more of a question, I didn't want to force him. "Are you sure? I kind of just barged in." He look un steady. I huffed, "J-Just stay." I closed my eyes. "Alright." He smiled, going over to my bed.

I was a bit un easy about this because I know Michael still may have strong feelings towards me. "Turn o-on Netflix." I suggested but more of demanded.

[clifford]

It wasn't bad to say that I missed Calum, I felt like a utter dick for earlier today and just felt like seeing him and showering him with sorries and maybe some kisses.

I heard a small giggle come from my left. I smiled, it was Calum. I put on Disaster movie and apparently he's a laughing at the Hannah Montana part, what a weirdo.

"Calum?" I blurted out, pausing the movie. I didn't know why. "Oh cmon! I-It was g-getting to the best p-part." He laughed again. I looked at his lips then back into his eyes, I want to let these strong feelings go but I can't.

"Come here." I whispered. He tensed up, slowly moving his petite body close to mine. I almost stopped breathing. "I really want to kiss you." I cupped his cheeks, our eyes focused. "I- . . s-stop." I felt his hands push me back and I felt horrible. I keep taking advantage of him in some way. "Sorry." I mumbled.

"No, it's f-fine, let's c-cuddle." I felt his head lean onto my chest, I smiled for the 100th time this minuet. I took my arms and wrapped them around him securely. I felt like he was just giving pity but I didn't care as long as he was in my arms.

Soon after a bit of the movie, I heard soft snores and it honestly scared me. I peeked down at Calum, smiling small as I seen his eyes closed and his lips parted. The snores were escaping his lips, it was very odd because I never saw him snore before and I have to admit it's the fucking cutest thing in the world.

I sighed, shutting off the movie and pulling Calum close my chest once again. I don't want to stop liking Calum and I don't know if I can't but I have to get over my stupid little crush.

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✦ GUYS THIS WAS THE MODT SHORTEST CHAPTER BUT IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENED, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOY THAT THEY DIDNT HAVE BASKETBALL PRATICE OR ANYTHING YET SOO..

I LOVE U GUYS

✦ Gucci_muke