Love You Twice

Chapter 3

Yunjin

I basically slept the whole flight. My parents are yet to check up on me, and honestly I'm not expecting one.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want one though.

Maybe I just want them to feel bad for everything they've put me through. I think my father does, but my mother...

I've lost my hope with her.

"Jennifer!" My grandmother is standing near the car, with open arms.

I walk to her and hug her tightly. She smells like old people normally do. The scent of roses fill my nose, and I embrace it.

I've always been close with my grandmother. I haven't talked to her since everything came out, but so far so good.

Maybe her living in New York has changed her perspective on the world.

At least I would hope it has made her bearable of it. I don't think I can put up with everything again.

"Quickly get in and we can grab some dinner before going home." She opens my door for me, and I give her a little bow before getting in the car.

She walks to the other side and we start on our trip to her house.

There's a silence that fills the car. It's full of debate. I can already take a good guess on what she's debating.

I don't care for questions, but sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable.

I wish people wouldn't treat it like it's a big deal. I wish they wouldn't see me differently after knowing what I am.

No one really talks about the internalized homophobia that comes from growing up how I did.

It's difficult.

It starts out with you denying everything. Then there is acceptance. You accept what's happening, but that doesn't mean you like it.

There are some days that you are so happy with yourself, and it doesn't affect you. The best days are when you don't even think about it.

Inevitably, mainly at night, the thoughts will come back. The thoughts of it being gross that you like someone the same gender as you. The thoughts of never being able to have everyone at your wedding that would be there if only it was a man in front of you.

It's painful, and hard.

No matter how many times you remind yourself nothings wrong with you, it's always there. The thoughts boiling up in the back of your head, waiting for a quiet moment for only yourself.

Then it boils over, and you have a panic attack that night because of all the confusing feelings.

"So Jen... how are you and that one girl? Sorry, I don't know her name. Your parents refused to tell me." She seemed nervous to ask the question.

I understand why she would be nervous. After everything this one relationship has caused me, I'd be nervous to bring it up too.

"We actually broke up yesterday." My lips form into a thin line from the thought of yesterdays events.

"Oh no! Why?" I guess grandmas are curious. It's just in their nature to ask questions, even when they probably shouldn't.

"She just didn't want to deal with me anymore I guess." I let out a huff, trying to hold back tears.

"What an asshole!" Nona throws up her hands, causing us to swerve a little.

I laugh at her sudden outburst. Maybe living with her won't be too bad.